Sarah, a former student, brought up an excellent point which she posted as a comment under the "Is Labor About How 'Tough' You Are?" post. I want to share her comments before I comment:
"I'm glad you addressed this issue, Donna. Funny. It seems many women get told they must be "tough" to have handled NCB. I can't remember *one* time I've been told that. But most people who don't know me well don't know that I do NCB, either. I don't exactly advertise it! (Perhaps that makes a difference?)
Most of the time, if it does get brought up, women will think I must have had really easy labors. (Especially because I'm so positive about it--I'd love to do it again!) Some will even reply that *their* labors were **hard,** so *they* **couldn't** go natural; essentially cheapening all the hard work that went into my "easy" births.
I've said it before, but these responses remind me of a Napoleon Dynamite favorite quote of mine: "Lucky." Like I just *happen* to have NCB! It's annoying and a little demoralizing. I know I'm not alone in this, because I've had this conversation with my sister. But it seems like it's common with your commenters that people assume they're tough.
Like you say, it isn't about being tough. And, like you say, it isn't about labor being easy, either. I feel like all the education and preparation I did is completely overlooked when people assume that it was easy. (I think this may be why I don't advertise that I "do" NCB to general acquaintances.) It feels like a slap in my face, whatever it is they assume about me. And, no, it never has been that I must be "tough." I almost wish it were! At least that would be a compliment, right? The "easy" assumption is by far the usual response I get. Am I alone among your readers? Please address this issue, if you have anything to say about it! Thank you!"
My friend, Janet, after having a 3-hour labor with her second baby, routinely heard other women say to her, "Well, if I had a 3-hour labor, I could do it without an epidural too!" This totally undermines the work of that mother. Sarah has heard me say a number of times that a longer labor is "easier" than a shorter one. Your body builds up to the longer and harder contractions. Fast labors are usually one contraction on top of another, while the cervix dilates very fast.
I rarely have students go through my class who just decide that labor is too hard, give up, and have an epidural. But a few years ago, I had this woman go through my class who had an epidural when she was dilated to 4 cm. I was so surprised, and disappointed. I'll never forget what she said to me: she said that she thought her labor must have been harder than most women's labors. Aaarrhh!
Deep down, I believe that women know what is the right thing to do -- for themselves and their baby -- but they CHOOSE to ignore that intuition or instinct, and make excuses (my labor was too long, too short, too painful; I have a low pain tolerance, etc.) so they do not have to take responsibility for their actions.
I also liked your commentary, Sarah, on the fact that people believe that if you actually ENJOYED labor, it must have been easy. Part of why I enjoyed my labors was because it was HARD, and I did it! You cannot beat that feeling of accomplishment.
Comments such as these are meant to lessen what you have done. When my friend, Alisa, the one I wished would fail at NCB, had her baby without drugs, I easily could have made up reasons as to why she was able to do it and I wasn't. My reaction was different though, for some reason. I thought, "If Alisa could do it, I could do it!" I wish those of us who choose NCB could inspire that sort of confidence instead of these ridiculous comments that people make.
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