Hello. My name is Donna Ryan. I am the writer of this blog. I have strong opinions on many topics. I am not shy about sharing them. I encourage others to do the same. I love a good dialogue, but I insist that it remain cordial. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not mean, just outspoken. I will never delete a comment someone makes here unless they are being rude to someone else other than myself. I do, however, delete my own comments quite frequently!
I have had a pretty good life. I'll be 40 in January and I count my blessings. I have had some obstacles in my life, including getting booted out of my house when I was 16. I was quite the rebel, with a boyfriend 5 years older than myself. I was a two-pack-a-day smoker and just could not ever get along with my dad. I caused a lot of problems between my parents. So, I went to Indianapolis to live with my aunt and uncle. I was arrested for shoplifting just 6 days after I moved there. My aunt and uncle had been my legal guardians for just 55 hours. Can you imagine?
As it turns out, this was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I developed a wonderful relationship with them, my relationship improved with my parents, and I found a bit of direction in my life. I lived with them for over 2 years.
I barely graduated from high school, but did go on to get a Bachelor's degree in Broadcasting. I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship for a period of time in college, but shortly after that, I met my husband-to-be. That changed my life forever. Truly, I married the greatest guy on the planet.
I joined The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my life is forever changed. I waited for David while he served a mission in Quebec. He was gone for 2 years and we got married in the Salt Lake Temple two days after he got home. Despite being apart from David for 2 years, the hardest thing I ever did was quit smoking. Through that process, however, I learned that my Father in Heaven loves me and is so mindful of my needs. It was the most spiritual experience of my life.
My relationship with my dad was never perfect, but it did improve over the years -- as he matured, I often joked. He died in June 2006 of a massive heart attack at the age of 66. He had had a series of heart attacks in 2001 right after 9/11, but after receiving 7 stints, he seemed to do better. I received (and continue to receive) great comfort through the Holy Ghost when he died. I also took comfort knowing that I am not the only person to experience loss. Everyone will go through this. For whatever reason, that made it easier to bear.
I am so grateful for the experiences that I have had -- good and bad. They have made me who I am. They have built confidence in myself, in my self-esteem. I don't know where I learned the coping skills that I have, but I feel pretty resilient. Life goes on and will get better, no matter how hard things are at a certain time in life. I believe that and I live like that. I like life.
How is this related to my blog? If you've made it this far through my ramblings, I'll tell you. When I wrote my post last week about doulas, people twisted everything I had to say to get all worked up and offended. Why? I wasn't writing to the doulas. I was writing to the couples who are committed to having a natural birth. I was slammed for keeping statistics, for crying out loud! If we don't keep statistics, how will we know how we are doing, if we are making a difference, and where we need to improve? Statistics say a lot! I was called arrogant and an obnoxious snob. I am not necessarily "a sensitive type" as someone said to me recently, but I am human and I do have feelings.
I'd like to explain briefly why I do what I do, as there as been speculation this week. When I was pregnant with my first baby, I remember looking down at my belly, watching it grow, and being scared to death of how the baby was going to come out. I was 25 years old. I was scared of labor and scared of birth. I wanted the epidural. I didn't want to know anything. I trusted my doctor. My labor was the typical American birth. I didn't feel anything. One minute I was pregnant and the next minute I had a baby in my arms (after the respiratory team paid him a visit for meconium staining, of course) . It had very little to do with me. I was scared to death to take this little person home from the hospital.
Through a series of events, I did things differently with baby number 2. We took a Bradley class and prepared ourselves. We hired a midwife. We had a dear friend attend our birth with us, supporting us and encouraging us as we labored and birthed without medication. It was a life-transforming experience! Was it hard? Of course. And that's what made it so amazing! I DID IT! Talk about building confidence. I went on to have a water birth at home before getting my Bradley certification. I have since also certified with the International Childbirth Education Association, or ICEA.
I have taught Bradley for over 7 years now, serving nearly 200 couples. (For those interested, I have worked as a doula at a number of births, but didn't particularly enjoy it. It was exhausting work. I do, however, have a certificate as a Bradley Doula. I am trained, but I choose to only educate.) I have literally seen women transformed by their birth experience. They were shy and withdrawn before, but are full of confidence after doing this thing that everyone in their life told them they couldn't do.
Fear governed my actions before learning about the process of labor and birth. I believe this is why women trust their doctors and want an epidural -- fear of the unknown. Fear of the pain. Education was incredibly huge for me. Knowing and understanding this process made it less scary. After Vena was born, I remember thinking, "If I can do this, anyone can do this!" And I 100% believe that. We are not victims! I mean, you can let yourself be a victim of anything, I suppose. I could still be dwelling on the fact that my parents kicked me out of the house nearly 24 years ago, but why? Things happen in life. So much good came of it as the years went by.
Back to my doulas, I'm terribly sorry that there were people worked up over what I had to say. I am not going to justify what I said. I stand by my list. I think its pretty good. I also expect couples to think for themselves. I don't have to tell them to ask if their doula has had a baby! They will do that on their own! I have stepped back this week and really thought about why I have picked the doulas to work with that I have. They all have different qualities and none of them meet all the "criteria" I listed in the post.
I asked one of my preferred doulas -- the one that had a very difficult labor and recovery this summer -- about why she isn't vocal about her birth experience. I've never heard her refer to the experience as "traumatic," just hard. When I asked her about it this week, she responded by saying that if she went around talking about how hard it was, all the while encouraging people to have an unmedicated birth, they'd think she was crazy! They would all be begging for the epidural! She is not a victim of her birth. She has become stronger because of it, not dwelt on not having the perfect birth she had hoped for. I am so proud of her.
I mentioned several times in my follow-up comments that it's about attitude. Not just attitude about birth, I've decided. They all have a positive attitude about life. Yes, life is unpredictable and sometimes even seems unfair. But how are you going to deal with it? Will you be a victim of circumstance? Or will you overcome? All of the doulas I recommend are and have been smart, fun, positive women -- women I would want at my birth. Women I am proud to call friends and colleagues. They know if intervention or medication is required, and they are able to help their (my) client through that experience -- not become a victim of the experience. This is the quality that I find most desirable in "my" doulas.
I do what I do because I believe that birth is an amazing experience. I believe in women. I believe that all women should have a doula by their side as they give birth. I've said this many times. I am saying this as the writer of Banned From Baby Showers, a Bradley instructor, a mother of 4 children. My life isn't perfect, but it's pretty darn good. Or maybe I just think that.
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