Letter to a Baby Not Yet Conceived - Anonymous Post

The following piece was submitted anonymously as my family and friends do not know that my husband and I would like to try for another child. More controversially, they do not know that we intend to deliver said baby in our home with a midwife. I’m not sure how this will go over with my family and do not want to find out just yet. 

Dear Baby #4:

Last night, Daddy and I watched “The Business of Being Born” and our minds were blown away. We had heard of people having homebirths or water births or using midwives instead of OBs but honestly, it all seemed like hippy stuff to us.

I’m almost ashamed to admit it but I often looked at women who did these things as crazy for risking their baby’s life. For all I could tell it was just for a power trip. But last night it clicked. The realization of just how broken our maternity system is was shocking to me. I sat nearly in tears as I thought over my births in a new light. Our experiences would have been exponentially different if we would have been one of these freaks.

#4, I never thought we’d have you. With three big sisters, (and really only planning on two of them) you’d think we were done. And we thought we were. We really did. But you are in our hearts so deeply right now, no matter how crazy it would be. You are the hope we still hang on to. We have to make sure life works out to fit you into it. Finances and space are two big factors. Your sisters are still too young for us to even think of expanding yet. But this gives us time; important time to research everything we want for you.

I’m sorry I didn’t know more when I was pregnant with #1. I took a few basic classes. I wanted to try delivering naturally but it wasn't an overwhelming passion. I had no idea what the body was capable of and I didn't give mine a chance. I made it to 7 cm (which was further than I really thought I’d make on my own but I progressed quickly and reached this point after only a couple hours of labor.) For whatever reason, I gave up; thinking I still had hours to go. The epidural was placed but within minutes your sister was ready to come out. The nurse insisted I hold her in as the doctor wasn’t near. I hadn’t even seen a doctor yet. Heck, I was just getting settled. A few minutes later, an on-call doctor rushed into the room and out came your sister. She was delivered by the hands of a stranger. I tore even though there was no real reason for it. Looking back, I see it was resisting pushing that caused the extra strain.

I had an epiphany this morning as I dreamed of you becoming a real part of our lives. The doctors treated #1 as preterm. I had an early ultrasound with your sister that dated her as being younger than we thought. I had regular cycles and knew when the exact date of conception. The due date shouldn’t have really been negotiable by that much. But for whatever reason, the ultrasound tech moved the due date back by five days. It was no surprise that I measured ahead the entire pregnancy. And when your sister arrived late in the 36th week, she was treated as a preemie even though she very much came on her own time.

She was healthy but the doctors were scared. I should have stuck up for her but I didn't know I could. I didn't know that as a mom, her rights were up to me before she was even born. I wasn't given the chance to nurse her right away nor do kangaroo care. Her apgars were in healthy range. She had good color though and was breathing just fine. But that’s not how they treated us. With no nourishment, they stripped her down and took her from me for several hours. It was no wonder that she then showed low glucose levels and colder than average temps. Without even giving me a chance to help her, she was whisked away to the NICU.

The experience wasn't what we planned but we got home a few days later and settled into a very comfortable routine. I was lucky that after the separation, she still learned to nurse like a champ. I wore her often. The natural side of me came through and I soon forgot about the emotional pain and what if’s from her delivery. The time came a few years later that we decided to try again. The second time around, I knew I wanted things differently. I had it all planned out. 

And then the egg split.

I know now that this shouldn't have ruined my plans. I had more options but I didn't take them. I didn't know then that I even could take them. Instead I laid in a hospital bed for months on bedrest, was cut open without so much as a try for a vaginal birth. I was ripped away from my family and faced with a threat of endangering my babies at my weakest moment. I was limited in my interactions with my tiny newborns born too early.

In those moments I failed your sisters. Yes, they were born early and I am grateful to the NICU for giving them the extra assistance they needed. Yes, I needed to be off my feet and resting to keep my uterus calm but the constant monitoring just lead to more scares, more internal checks, more irritability, more contractions; it was a vicious and stressful cycle. The c-section was possibly preventable. I know this now. Sister #2 was head down and ready to go. My body could have done it. My doctor didn't trust my body. Since Sister #3 was breech, there’s no way to know what would have happened. I’d like to think she would have happily changed positions and come out head first like nature intended but I know maybe that wouldn't have been the case. 

I wish I would have thought ahead and consulted a doctor who was willing to do a breech extraction. Mine was not. I think I have a good doctor but she likes to play it safe. And while I always leaned towards safe equaling better now I realize there’s a wide variety of “safe.” I was afraid of the idea of having a split delivery with my twins but I never considered the emotional aspect of what would happen after the c-section and after not getting a chance to try.

So baby #4, if there is a you at all, I’m going to do it right this time. I want to know all my options and face all my fears. It won’t be easy. Daddy supports me as well as a wide community of online supporters but the ones closest to us don’t seem to understand. They see you as a risk they don’t think I should take. They think the things I want are kooky. I wish they could read my mind, feel my pain and my emotions, and understand the excitement that you bring to Daddy and I even as just a plan or a thought and not even as a conceived baby yet. 

I often think of you as a rainbow baby. Rainbow babies are created after a loss and most often referred to as a baby after an infant is loss, a stillborn or a late miscarriage of a little one. I didn't lose your sisters. I don’t intend for my pain to take away from that type of pain because I do not know it but I lost part of me during their births, part of me that I’ll physically heal from but emotionally will always be with me. So even though we never thought of having another baby, you were put in our minds and hearts as our rainbow baby.
Midwives like to say that homebirths are 90% excitement and 10% fear. So this is me facing that 10%, going outside of the normal.

Love,

Mommy 

Mommy is an upper twenty something freelance writer and parenting blogger that stays home with her girls in their Midwest home. Her passions are breastfeeding, babywearing, cloth diapering and holistic medicine. She has three beautiful daughters age 4 years and 18 months x 2.

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Media Portrayal of the Labor Day Rally for Change

Nearly 10,000 women, men, and children attended the National Rally of Change by Improving Birth in 110 cities across 45 states in the US on Labor Day.  It was the largest women's rights rally in decades.  Expect more to come in the next few months.  The work is only beginning!

Rally at Medical Center of Arlington, TX 

Most rallies did get some media attention.  People say that some attention is better than no attention, but some of the attention perpetuated the problem!  Check out one of our media spots from Arlington, TX:

I don't want to nit-pick it to death -- and we are grateful for the coverage -- but when the anchor/reporter makes comments like "...They are calling for change in maternity care that shifts away from inductions involving  drugs and c-sections to, what they say, are safer methods of delivery..." it makes us sound like we are just making stuff up.  She kept calling it the Birth Change/Method Movement, which I thought was funny.

I sincerely don't understand why the media has to make birth advocates look ridiculous and on the fringe.  All the media clips make birth look so scary and the women look like they are beyond miserable.  Who wouldn't want an epidural after watching these clips!?

Take the clip here where the woman is screaming in one long tone.  The reporter's voice-over is actually valuable information that is pertinent to our cause, but you a) can't hear it because of the yelling, and b) can't take it seriously because who would ever want to have a natural birth if this is what you might sound like?!

The topic of birth makes people so uncomfortable that they have to make fun of it, or show "funny" movie clips to get through it.  I believe that is part of the bigger problem here.  No one wants to have a serious conversation about birth.

Abbey and I actually spent quite some time with a couple of reporters discussing some really pertinent issues.  Abbey, a VBA3C (we had 3 of them at our rally!) , gave these reporters lots to work with as far as VBAC myths, but none of that made it onto the news.  I really believe that people just don't want to know.

I'll leave you with the other media clip, which was only 49 seconds, but at least we didn't look like we are on the fringe, mostly because I told the reporter we aren't trying to take away anyone's epidural with our rally!  If they only knew...

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Sounding Your Labor: Are you In or Out of Control?

If you are a "birth junkie" you've probably watched dozens of birth videos.  Or maybe you are pregnant for the first time and are pretty freaked out to watch them!  So many of the birth videos out there seem to play serene music as the baby is born, dubbing over the sounds the mother may be making.  The viewer is left with this impression that the birthing woman peacefully -- and quietly -- pushed her baby out.

When I was pregnant with my second baby -- first unmedicated birth though -- my friend Janet told me that "sounding" her labor helped her so much.  I don't know that we spent much time talking about it, but I must have remembered her telling me that because I was definitely "sounding" out that labor!  At one point, my midwife could tell that this was helping me so much and she calmly said, "Donna, you sound fabulous.  Keep doing exactly what you are doing."  This was huge for me because in my head I thought I sounded like a lunatic, and yet, I didn't want to stop doing it because it was helping me stay calm and focused and relaxed.

As the baby descended and was coming through the birth canal, I got a little panicked and wild.  I screamed "IT BURNS!" when the baby's head crowned.  The whole scene was followed by lots of euphoric crying, "I did it!  You're here!"  Needless to say, my first birth video looks nothing like the pretty ones I show in class!

Despite my midwife's words, I spent years feeling bad for sounding out my labor and especially for screaming the way I did when her head was crowning.  I felt that I should have been quiet and turned inward, welcoming my baby into a quiet dark room -- just like the women in the videos.

To this day, that birth video is still the most emotional to watch and listen to.  I just love it.  I love the way I sound when I hold my baby skin to skin, fresh from my womb.  I went from the most intense and painful thing I'd ever experienced to absolute euphoria and joy!  And I can hear every bit of it!

My 3rd baby, if you've read my birth stories, was the hardest of them all, simply because I didn't prepare on any level.  I was a know-it-all.  I hollered so loud when that baby came through, I scared the mailman right off our porch!  I yelled because it hurt, but looking back on it 10 years later, I think it's also because I was so angry at myself for letting myself  begin labor without even preparing for it.  I hate listening to that video.  I sound awful.  It is so obvious that I was struggling.  There was no euphoric "You're here!" when the baby was out.  I was just so unbelievably grateful that it was over.  Completely exhausted.

By the 4th baby, I was fairly comfortable with the fact that I am a what-I-call "vocal birther".  I had been teaching childbirth classes for a couple of years by the time I had her and talked about this in class.  I had attended a handful of births as well and learned quite a bit about this "sounding".

Several days ago, I asked on my Facebook page if anyone had any topics they'd like me to write about, and one of the midwives I work a lot with, Melody, asked me to write on this topic of sounding out your labor:  

"... Making noise and being "open" in labor! So many mommies think they didn't "birth well" because they thought they were loud or " out of control" when they are comparing with birth videos etc. It's not uncommon for women to apologize for how they responded or the noise they made. I would love to see a post on this topic!"

I could relate to this sentiment because I felt the same way with two of my babies.  The truth is actually quite the opposite.  I spend 12 weeks teaching relaxation - physical, mental, and emotional.  Sounding is so closely tied to physical relaxation.  When a dad calls me when they are in labor, if I can hear the laboring woman, I can tell how well she is handling contractions.  How?

OK, from your computer, do this with me.  Reading this on your phone in Walmart at the check-out?  You might wait till you are in the car!

Take a regular breath and let out a high-pitched "aaahhh".  This is the sound that many women make on TV when they are in labor.  It's high-pitched and obvious that she is in pain.  In fact, we are all in pain from listening to her!

Now take a good deep breath from the abdomen, open your throat, and let out a low-pitched "aaahhh".  Let your shoulders drop.  As the laboring woman peeks in her contractions, this sound will like get louder and longer, and hopefully lower.  The lower the sound, the more open her throat, the more relaxed and deep her breathing, the more her shoulders and jaw drop.  Without the noise, she simply cannot be this relaxed.

A person can lay perfectly still and quiet and be completely tense.  Noise is good.  It's good for mom.  It's good for baby.  If mom is taking these good, deep, long breaths during contractions, baby is getting good oxygen.  If she is chest-breathing and letting out short, high-pitched sounds, baby is not getting good oxygen and mom is tensing up in the shoulders, the jaw, and the abdomen, and therefore the uterus.  Sounding is even good for your midwife!  It helps her know how you are doing and perhaps how she can help you.  It also helps her know where you are in your labor.  By the 3rd baby, David knew exactly when that baby was on it's way out by the sounds I was making!

Think O-P-E-N and L-O-W sounds.  Should the mom sounding out labor feel bad about the sounds she's making?  No way!  Giving birth is, in the words of my last midwife, Barb Pepper, "animalistic".  She'd tell me to make some noise, let it out!  It's normal, it's healthy, and it's expected.

So what about those birth videos?  What should we do about them?  They are great visually, but they do women a disservice by editing the audio.  Hearing birth is equally important.  This is one reason I strongly suggest my students watch Orgasmic Birth.  We get to hear birth and lots of it!  It's real.  Don't be afraid of the name, if you haven't seen it.  It's a fabulous film on many levels, but for the purpose of this post, we're just focusing on the sounds of a laboring woman.  Dads should watch this movie too.  Many men are uncomfortable with the sounds their wife might make in labor, and it is so important that they become acquainted with these sounds and welcome them.  Recognize the high and low pitches and help her stay low and open. 

Most importantly, this is your labor.  No one will ever give birth exactly like you.  You can't do it wrong.  You may not be a "vocal birther" like me.  You may be very quiet and do all your relaxing through your breath.  That is OK too.  Find your ritual and run with it.  If sounding is a part of that ritual that helps your through labor and birth, great!  "Sound" loud and proud, Mama!

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When We Want our Friends and Family to Birth Like We Do

Natural birth advocates get a bad name sometimes because people perceive us as cramming our opinions down their throat.  The same could be said about all the folks who tell you to "just get the drugs!"  They often encourage a pregnant mom to be induced, find out the sex of their baby, and of course, get the epidural.  Rarely do I have people sitting in class who say that everyone in their life is supportive of their natural birth choice.  Often, class is the only "safe" place where they can talk about their desires for a natural birth and prepare accordingly.

I used to encourage friends to have a natural birth and talk to them about my class.  Some cases have worked out great, but more often than not, it backfires.  I have learned over the years that the desire to have a natural birth must come from within.  I have a friend from church who says of "the other side" that they just aren't ready to hear "the gospel of natural childbirth!" 

I heard of a couple recently that took a Bradley® class, hired a doula, and birthed with a group of CNMs in a hospital.  She has family members that are natural birth advocates and encouraged her to do all the "right" things as listed above.  Now, I don't know this woman, so I am speculating.  She ended up with a c-section, one that was very likely not necessary based on what I heard of the story, but I don't think her heart was in it at all.  In hearing the story, I've heard the midwives blamed and also the Bradley® teacher.  I don't think either is at fault.  The mom just wasn't committed to having a natural birth and was subconsciously looking for a reason to abandon the natural process.

I believe that when people want you to get the drugs, it's because it makes them feel better about their own birth.  I did this with my friend, Alisa.  I had given birth to one baby with an epidural. I didn't feel a thing and narrowly escaped a c-section.  Alisa was planning an unmedicated birth.  I wanted her to fail.  Somehow, that would justify my birth choices.  A bit twisted, I know.  I think that a lot of women that have c-sections want others to have them as well.  They would never come out and say it, but I think it's there.

I love it when women have a natural birth and everyone says to her how lucky she is that her labor was only 3 hours (the hardest 3 hours of her life!) -- "If my labor had only been 3 hours, I could have done it too!"  I had someone in my class a few years ago who said to me after her labor, "I just think my labor was harder than everyone elses, so I had an epidural."  Women who have natural births are working hard and are committed to the process!  They aren't lucky, have high pain tolerances, or have easy labors!  It comes from within.

It is interesting to ask people on the first night of class why they have chosen to have a natural birth.  Rarely is the answer, "My friend had one and so now I want one."  I will admit, however, that was a factor in my decision to birth naturally with the second baby.  I knew that if Alisa did it, I could do it too.  I don't remember her telling me that I should do it though.  Reading the birth stories of Martha Sears in The Birth Book played a big role in my decision, and also the history of childbirth in America.

Ultimately, I believe the reason we want our friends and family to birth naturally is because we have seen how powerful it has been in our own lives.  In most cases, it was probably the hardest thing you have ever done, but the joy and empowerment that followed was unbelievable!  We also know that they can do it but are choosing not to.  That's the most frustrating part of it all.  If they would just give in to the process and let go of the fear, they too could have this amazing experience.

Our reasons for wanting our friends and family to have natural births is anything but selfish.  We want this experience for them, to feel that they accomplished this amazing goal -- one that most of us will only experience a few times in our lifetime.  If they didn't grow into teenagers, I'd have a dozen babies!

So, my natural birth "junkies," lead by example, like Alisa did.  Give your friend or sister a book to read full of good birth stories.  Be available for questions.  Let her borrow your copy of "The Business of Being Born" or "Orgasmic Birth."  Everyone is coming from a different place.  Sometimes we have to have our own (bad) experience to start listening to other options.

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"Orgasmic Birth" Screening July 11

"Orgasmic Birth" will be shown at the Mansfield Public Library, Mansfield, TX, on Saturday, July 11 beginning at 7:00 p.m. "Orgasmic Birth" was featured on 20/20 recently, and has contributed heavily to couples seeing a completely different side of birth that we have been taught to believe. I was fortunate to meet Debra Pascali-Bonaro, the director and creator of the movie, at the "Controversies in Childbirth Conference" and am excited to share some of her thoughts about the movie, including how she came up with the name!

If you live in the DFW area, I encourage you to come. Bring a friend, or better yet, your spouse! It is free and we'll have discussion afterwards. Hope to see you there.

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"Orgasmic Birth" Needs Your Help by June 1st

Debra Pascali-Bonaro, Director of Orgasmic Birth, along with Elizabeth Davis, CPM, are putting a book together and they need our help. Here's your chance to be famous! These are Debra's words from Facebook:

"Elizabeth Davis, CPM and I are writing Orgasmic Birth: Your Guide to a Safe, Satisfying and Pleasurable Birth Experience to be published by Rodale in spring 2010. If you have any great comments about sex during pregnancy please share and encourage other too and/or pleasurable, ecstatic and orgasmic birth stories. Thanks!

We appreciate all stories and comments to us by June 1. The sooner the better, especially any comments about how women felt about sex during pregnancy. Thanks so much for your help. I really appreciate it! Please ask people to submit to us on our web site www.orgasmicbirth.com/share-your-birth-story"

Don't be shy. Rethink your births and submit them. What an exciting subject to be famous for! Good luck!

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Controversies in Childbirth Conference

I have spent the last 3 days at the Controversies in Childbirth Conference here in Ft. Worth. I had no idea what to expect, and I must say, it exceeded my expectations. There were roughly 200 people attending from all over the country. Midwives of all types, doulas, educators, family practice doctors, OB/GYN doctors, nurses, community health workers, attorneys, etc. It was great.

I took pages and pages of notes, so I'll be reporting on it, probably, for weeks. My house, as you can imagine, has fallen apart while I've been away, so I'll be catching up with laundry and doing some major clean up. I did want to share some of the highlights of the conference through pictures, however.


I got to meet Debra Pascali-Bonaro, the director of "Orgasmic Birth" and even eat lunch with her and some other fantastic women who are "movers and shakers" in the world of birth. She also started out as a Bradley Instructor many years ago before moving on to other things. It was fascinating to hear how the movie came about. I'll share more about that later. She was a delightful person.


I recently read a book called "Homebirth in the Hospital" by Dr. Stacey Kerr, a Family Practice doctor working in CA. I didn't realize it at the time of reading it, but she was asked to be a speaker at the conference. It was exciting to get to meet her and get to know her a bit. If all women could have a doctor like that by their side when they give birth, we'd certainly be in good hands. It's a fabulous read, for anyone interested. It also has a chapter in the back of the book written for the doctor who is interested in implementing a program like hers into his/her practice. Amazingly, I bought mine at our local Barnes and Noble.



The next person I met was the President of Choices in Childbirth in NY, Elan McAllister. You'd recognize her from "The Business of Being Born." In fact, my favorite "feel good" quote from the movie comes from her -- when she describes that moment in birth where you think you just can't do it, and then you do it, you "scale the wall." She was great. Definitely a person making a difference in a big way. She is very involved in The Birth Survey, which I will talk more about later. She said that my movie cover is the first she's ever been asked to sign! I hope it was as fun for her as it was for me.



The last person I got an autograph from and picture with was Robbie Davis-Floyd, who appears in all the recent birth movies. She is the anthropologist who gives so much history of midwifery and really helps us understand where we came from, where we are, and where we are going, in terms of birth in not just this country, but in the world. Again, I have lots to share from her talks at the conference.

It was such a privilege to meet all these women who are making such big differences in the world of birth. They truly do it for the women and the babies. Stay tuned for lots of exciting information from the Conference.

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Orgasmic Birth on 20/20 Tonight

I just wanted to let anyone who checks my blog today know that the segment on Orgasmic Birth will FINALLY be shown on 20/20 tonight, January 2. I hope it is good. The movie is fantastic, if you have not seen it yet. Visit www.orgasmicbirth.com for more info on the movie.

If you miss it, you can watch the clips online at www.abc.com.

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"Orgasmic Birth" Screening

Here is the date and time to see "Orgasmic Birth." It will be held on Thursday, November 20 at 7:00 p.m. If you are interested in seeing the movie, please contact me (donnaryan@juno.com) for the location. There is no charge. The movie runs about 90 minutes and we will have discussion afterwards. There are limited spots left for this showing.

I had a great response, so I am having to do another screening on Thursday, December 4 at 7:00 p.m. Please let me know asap if you would like to come to this date.

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American Birth Movies and a Few Other Thoughts

Just a few comments:

My sister said that her husband is so impressed with my blog. I am not sure if that necessarily means content, as they have no children and no interest in that area. He thinks it is great that I am disciplined enough to sit and write all this out. I had to laugh because that is not where the discipline comes in! I am disciplined only when I am not writing! I would like nothing better than to sit here and write about these topics I feel so strongly about, but, as any mom knows, her house would fall apart, no one would be fed, they'd all be wearing dirty laundry, and crying at her feet.

I've had several people (you know who you are, you birth junkies!) tell me they wish I'd post more often, but I am forcing myself to not let my house fall apart! I am thinking about what to write about all the time. Let me know if there are topics you'd like addressed. I'm trying to get to them all. I did go through and answer some comments that have been posted over the last week or so.

I have someone in labor tonight. Her water broke almost 24 hours ago. Her doula is a former student of mine. We've been in contact most of the day. The baby is posterior, or sunny-side up, which usually creates a longer labor as the baby tries to turn. So far, so good. It's hard not to think about it all the time, wishing I could help... Ultimately, each woman has to dig down deep and find out what she is made of. No one can do that for her. It is truly a transformative, life-altering experience. I hope she continues on through the night. If she uses sleep as her friend in the relaxation process, instead of her enemy as an "excuse" to have an epidural, she'll be ok.

I watched another great movie the other night: "Orgasmic Birth." It follows 11 couples and their births. I think I might do a screening in my home. Let me know if you are interested in that. I did a screening of "The Business of Being Born" at the public library in April, but I don't feel like I can promote this movie because of the name. I wish it had a different name, and yet I completely understand it. Birth can be so different than how ER portrays it! In a word, orgasmic! In my experience, it wasn't physical, but definitely emotional. "Orgasmic Birth" -- a must see.

There is another birth movie out this year too, but I haven't seen it yet: "Pregnant in America." It was released in August, probably at nationwide screenings, but I never heard of one in my area. It is being released in December on DVD. Yes, I have mine pre-ordered!

I am so pleased with all these movies about birth in America. We need a giant spotlight on this problem! Be vocal in your communities. Encourage couples to see these movies. Share your birth stories. Empower those around you. Encourage normal birth.

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