Joseph, Dads, and Random Thoughts to Round Out 2012

I wanted to share this picture one of my best friends got for me for Christmas to hang in my famous bathroom.   Maybe you've seen it before, but it was new to me.  I loved it. 

"Nativity" by Brian Kershisnik

The focus on nearly all nativities is baby Jesus - rightfully so - followed up with Mary.  My animal-loving 7-year-old would say the sheep and cows are the second most important feature of the nativity.  Rarely do we focus on Joseph.  This depiction was one of the most interesting I've ever seen for 3 reasons.

Reason 1:  Mary can't see Joseph's face and he doesn't know all those angels are surrounding him.  He must have felt tremendous pressure all those months leading up to the birth, about to father the Son of God on Earth.  And then the strenuous journey with his laboring wife, not able to find someplace for her to give birth.  While he didn't have the media to provide him with scary birth images, I imagine there was some anxiety about the actual birth.  After the Savior was born, the relief must have been overwhelming.  I'm sure also on his mind was what was to come.

I just want to put this out there that I think many dads feel the way Joseph might have felt.  I'm sure he loved Mary very much and wanted her to be safe and happy.  I have lots of moms in class that want to birth out of the hospital, but the dads are scared.  I've seen a lot of emotions on both sides, but I just want moms to remember that he has likely been exposed to fear in our modern culture surrounding birth.  He loves you and may still have some fear of his own to work through.  It's a lot of pressure to become a dad, supporting and caring for his wife and new baby.  Help him through education, but have some empathy along the way.

My famous bathroom

Reason 2:  Mary is breastfeeding!  This is why the picture will find it's way to my bathroom walls.  I've commented before that of course she breastfed baby Jesus, and I'm sure she co-slept too.  "Away in a Manger" always cracks me up when we sing about "no crib for a bed" - surely it was written by an American, for I don't know that other cultures would worry about not having a crib!

Reason 3:  I love the angels surrounding the scene.  I'm sure the heavens rejoiced when the day finally came when Christ was born, come to Earth to save us all.  On a much more personal level, I believe angels surround each one of us.  I believe they are actually relatives that have already passed on, sent to help us by our loving Heavenly Father, to help answer our daily prayers on our earthly journey. 

As we round out 2012, it's been a wonderful and exciting year.  Launching Birth Boot Camp was intense, but I am so proud of what my team and I have put together.  2013 promises to be another great year.  I love the goal-setting aspect of starting a new year.  We have many exciting goals to accomplish, and I truly believe that getting there is half the fun!  May there be many babies born this next year by parents who have wonderful and empowering births.  Set a goal to breastfeed your baby.  It will be one of the greatest and sweetest experiences of your life.

A quote to end with by Theodore Roosevelt:  "Be practical as well as generous in your ideals.  Keep your eyes on the stars, but remember to keep your feet on the ground."  Thank you for allowing me to be a small part of your life this past year.  Here's to 2013 and another great year!

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Transitioning from Co-Sleeping

This is a bittersweet topic for me.  Probably for you too if you are in the middle of transitioning baby/toddler from your bed.   I've got a couple of friends going through this right now, so this post is for them.

Let me clarify - I don't miss the days of having a toddler in my bed, but I really do miss having a small baby.  I loved the smell of that little one and feeling her little body mold to mine as she nursed throughout the night. 

I have talked about co-sleeping and bed-sharing in previous posts over the years.  Here's one, two, and three of my favorites.  But there does come a time when you -- and baby -- are done and just want your own sleeping space.  And that's OK.  Even exciting.  My number one bit of advice is to be patient.  I know this is easier said than done on some nights, but I promise that they will sleep in their own bed one day and it will be all night long. 

Everyone's circumstances are unique and all babies are unique.  Take what works and throw out the rest.  I'm going to tell you some things that worked for us with our 4 children -- who are fabulous sleepers now at ages 15, 12, 10, and 6.  They weren't always that way though...

Baby #1 was not exclusively co-slept.  He was back and forth all night long.  He stopped breastfeeding at 15 months, and while I hesitate to say this -- that is when he stopped waking all night.  Now don't go use that as an excuse to stop breastfeeding!  I wasn't trying to wean him, I just realized on Friday that he hadn't nursed since Tuesday.  He was still in a crib though until about 21 months. 

Moving out of a crib and into a "real" bed is really the same as moving out of mom and dad's bed and into their own bed.  The techniques we used were about the same. 

Baby #2 always slept in a crib and wanted to be left alone.  Ironically, she has been our worst sleeper since about the age of 6 -- hard time falling asleep and a light sleeper.  There was no transitioning with her.  She never nursed to sleep.  She always wanted us to put her in her crib and leave her alone.

Baby #3 was our hardest.  We had the crib and by the simple nature of having the crib set up, we felt obligated to use the crib.  If we had just been co-sleepers and not tried to force her into a crib, we probably wouldn't have had the difficulties that we did.  All night long, she rotated from the crib, to our bed, to a playpen.  That being said, I can appreciate that many of you are in this situation right now and you do not use a crib.  So how do you lovingly transition baby to his own bed?

 You've taken extreme care in helping your baby feel secure about sleep up to this point.  She's learned that sleep is pleasant, but like any change, it takes some getting use to a new bed and surroundings.  It can be exciting and scary for your baby.  Be patient.

Baby #4 never had a crib.  When she moved to her own bed, granted, she had two sisters in the room with her.  It was exciting for her.  She was one of the big kids.  She was 28 months old.  She had had her bed in our room, but she would never stay in it.  Moving it to the girls' room was best for her.  We had tried to move her at about 20 months to that bed (in our room), but she just wasn't ready.  It was too much work.  If it's that hard, they aren't ready!  She stayed in our bed another 8 months. Again, ironically, when she quit breastfeeding at 28 months, this is also when she transitioned, and slept through the night.

OK, there's a little about our experiences.  On to some of our tricks:

One of our tricks with baby #1 and #3 that helped was to sit outside their bedroom in the hallway.  This sounds crazy, but it gave them the security that I was there, but they needed to learn to sleep in their own bed.  Key advice here:  Have a good book and a book light!  I found myself looking forward to this time of night because I didn't feel like this was a time-suck, sitting in the hallway.  When I didn't have a book to read, I hated sitting there thinking of all the things I needed to get done.  "Hurry up and fall asleep!" was all I could think.  I became impatient and toddler felt that, cried, and became more clingy.  Fail.

They will come out of bed, likely, several times.  That's OK.  This is new and exciting to be able to get out of bed.  They feel independent.  And if they have mostly nursed to sleep up until now, this may be quite new for them.  We kept a sippy cup of water by their bed.  When they get out of bed and come look at you in the hallway, simply put your book down and tuck them back in.  I didn't talk to them at all, especially after several times of getting out of bed.  Initially, I would remind them that I would stay until they fell asleep, but eventually they get bored with the whole thing and fall asleep. 

I never did nightlights for any of the kids.  I felt like it kept them awake.  They had never slept with one in our room, so why start now?  I felt like knowing I was nearby is what made it all OK.

Some parents have a pallet on the floor in their room and try that initially.  It's all the same idea, really -- just letting toddler know that you are still nearby.  I never liked doing the falling-asleep-next-to-baby and then sneaking away, even if their new bed was big enough.  It was no different than what we had been doing.  Plus, I found myself feeling like my evening was shot.  Yes, I am selfish with my time.  If I was reading in the hallway, I was good with that. 

Whatever is going to make you the most patient parent, that is what I suggest!

I know the next question is "How long did it take?"  I sat in the hallway with #3 for probably 2 weeks.  She was 2 years old.  And stubborn.  Still is.  She's also the most organized and responsible, so I let it slide!

If transitioning is a really awful experience, just wait a few weeks or months and try again.  I promise, this will not last forever.  They will sleep in their own bed.  You want them to feel proud of themselves though, kind of like potty training.  If they aren't ready and you are making them do it, your whole family will be miserable.

 Roll with the punches (even the ones in the back in the middle of the night!).  Know this phase of co-sleeping with this baby is almost over.  You don't get that time back so enjoy every single minute.  It'll make getting your own bed back that much sweeter.

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The Etiquette of Attachment Parenting

Really, I'm not trying to become one of those old ladies who criticizes how everyone is raising their children.  This is one of those posts that you think, "Should I say it or should I not?"  I'm gonna say it.  Don't hate me.

My experience with Attachment Parenting (AP) has been this:  My hairdresser turned me on to Dr. William Sears's Baby Book in 1996.  After a couple of months of searching for a sling and finally finding a tie-dyed one, I started wearing my baby (back when no one did this) and sleeping with my baby.  I tried to establish trust and a healthy relationship simply by meeting my baby's needs, often before he even knew what he needed.  The idea behind Attachment Parenting is that you and your child are, simply, attached.  He respects you because you respect him.

My babies never cried themselves to sleep.  They nursed.  We got better with each baby mostly because we looked at our big kids and realized how fast the time went with the babies.  We held them and enjoyed our time of their being little.  We also had the advantage of seeing that, yes, they do eventually sleep -- even in their own beds -- and do other things that you can't imagine them doing when you are immersed in the craziness of toddlerhood.

We always did time-outs, which may be controversial in the world of Attachment Parenting.  In fact, I'll be real honest.  Our time out chair was an old car seat that no one could get out of.  (Eventually, Daymon figured out he could just stand up and walk around with it attached to him and at that point, we moved on to taking away privileges, etc!)  Time outs lasted however long their age was.  For example, 3 years old = 3 minutes of time out.  It was very effective.  Usually the threat of time out was all that was needed, especially as they got older.  I don't remember using timeouts after the age of 5.

Sometimes I totally yelled -- still do -- at my children.  They will be the first to tell you that.   Often, I was -- and still am -- the one taking the time out!  I am, by no means, the perfect parent.  I can name lots of people that parent better than I do.  I do like to think, however, that I have well-behaved children.  Again, not perfect, but pretty darn good.

I've seen a trend over the last several months, under the umbrella of Attachment Parenting, that I would venture to call  "permissive parenting," stolen from my friend Shannon's quote on someone's wall this weekend.  She summed it up beautifully and I hope she doesn't mind me swiping it off Facebook!

"AP parenting is building a foundation that does last a lifetime. We are teaching our children that we will provide for them in a fundamental and practical way, emotional and practically. This can be done with bottle feeding, but it is not as easily done (it takes a LOT more effort), and the nutritional benefits are lacking.

That being said, it's sad to see the "AP" movement turn into a permissive parenting perspective that undoes much of what attachment parenting practices should do, establishing boundaries in a safe and loving environment."

Yes! This is what I'm talking about!  I have seen parents who claim to practice AP let their children run wild, often in places where it is quite disruptive.  I will refrain from expanding on that statement.  

It is OK to discipline your child and teach them that there are appropriate places to run around and be loud.  There is a time and place for everything.  But it is OK -- and expected by old people like me! -- that parents will also teach their children how to sit still, be quiet, and listen or play quietly with a book, etc.  If parents don't teach them, they will be forced to learn it in school by someone other than their parent.  They will be labeled at that point.  (A lot of AP parents homeschool and think this is a moot point.  It's not.  At some point, people will see your child as disruptive, disrespectful, irreverent, and possibly obnoxious.)  Parents have a responsibility to teach their children how and when to be quiet!

I also see a lot of AP parents doing things for their children that I believe the children should be doing themselves, or at least learning to do.  Picking up after themselves, for example.  Occasionally I  have people at my house with small children who play with the toys Darcy still has out. (Those days are limited for us, now.  Soon they will be gone as she gets older.)  It's interesting to watch how parents respond to the toys and the mess their children have made.  Some parents will have their child pick them all up, while others will insist on their child helping to pick them up, usually explaining why it's important and respectful to do so (this is AP parenting!).  Others will pick up all the toys while their children watch.  Where is the lesson in that?  Every now and then I have parents (and their children) who don't pick up any of the mess their children make.  Don't get me started on that one.

I have to use another comment from a former student of mine that I read on Facebook this week.  Again, I hope she doesn't mind me lifting her comment:

"...People may think I'm strict or unreasonable in training my kids to sit at the table and eat, but the reward comes when I can have a lovely dinner date with just my boy and girl.  We talk, laugh, and eat, and it's usually quite nice.  When he uses the manners we've taught him in dealing with the servers it makes me quite proud.  He's such a sweet and grateful boy."

And that about sums it up.  I might add that her children are very small.  Yes, it is often more effort to correctly practice Attachment Parenting, but the payoff is tremendous.  

I've thought a lot lately, as Daymon is approaching his 15th birthday, about Attachment Parenting and its significance it's played in my life as well as my childrens' lives.  They do not remember being little -- breastfeeding, cosleeping, or constantly being carried in their sling.  Their memories are scattered from when they were little.  But, like Shannon said, AP parenting provides a foundation from which to build.  A foundation of trust, of boundaries, respect, and growth.  We want our children to grow into responsible, independent, trusting, and capable adults.  

I look at each of my children, and while they all have different strengths and weaknesses, they have a good foundation.  They are civilized and respectful and caring.  The foundation is there, even if the memories (of things that were so important and significant to me) are not.  When they are driving me crazy, I just reach back into my file and pull out a sweet memory of when they were little.  I expect to do that a lot during these teenage years!

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Dads Begging for More Babies

My husband came home from a church activity a few weeks ago where he had been talking to this woman who is pregnant.  He was getting ready for bed and just sort of rambling while putting clothes away and turning down the covers.  In the middle of it all, he expressed that he felt jealous of people in that stage of life.  He went on to talk about how exciting those times were, waiting for a baby.  Wondering what would our labor be like.  And then those early days and months of having a new baby in the house.  Sigh.

So often I hear women say that they'd love to have more children but their husband is DONE!  I rarely hear a woman say that her husband would love more but that she is the one who is done!  Why is that?

I must admit that my husband is a unique breed.  He's sensitive and compassionate.  Clever and funny.  Oh, and incredibly handsome!  He loves babies.  He never protested at having the baby in our bed like many men. In fact, the other night he was in and out of our last Bradley class and we were talking about co-sleeping.  He threw in his two cents -- yes, he slept great -- except an occasional "boot to the head" from a toddler.  (David wants you to know that this is him holding one of our babies in the above photo.  OK, we can't all be Joe Gumm.)

Is it just that our kids are bigger now and we don't have a baby anymore?  Are we just missing that time of our lives?  David hates feeling nostalgic and I think he's been hit with quite a bit of it lately.  Maybe it's that his wife just turned 40 (he's 37), maybe it's having a kid in high school that is driving us completely crazy and he's missing the "simpler" days.  Whatever it is, it's real. 

I, on the other hand, don't have that I-miss-not-having-a-baby-in-the-house feeling like he does.  I really do live vicariously through my Bradley students.   I'm still surrounded by pregnancy, labor, birth, and babies.  I am selfishly enjoying my quiet days when they are in school.  I am unbelievably busy with other things, just not breastfeeding and changing diapers!  For the record, I miss the hours of holding a nursing baby and co-sleeping with my babies, feeling their warm little body mold to mine.  It was a wonderful time that flew by much too quickly.  Everyone says that to you when they are little and you think "Yeah, right, lady!  You have no idea."  Now I'm that lady!

Back to the men.  David had a vasectomy when Darcy was about 18 or 19 months old, which in my opinion, is the absolute worse age ever, or at least I thought it was until we had a 14-year-old!  He was dead set that he didn't want more babies and I was right on board with him on that one -- again, Darcy was at my least favorite age.  I haven't changed my mind, but I think if I said I wanted another baby, he'd jump right on that.  Don't get excited, it's not going to happen. 

A lot of dads don't enjoy having a baby in the house.  Am I wrong here?  Baby wants mom and doesn't really care all that much about his/her dad until later.  I did have one baby that really did seem to prefer her dad over me -- still does.  But for the most part, I think that is a fair statement.  Sex often revolves around the baby's routine.  Breasts are often off-limits with breastfeeding sensitivity and leaking.  His wife is often so distracted with the baby, dad gets "stuck" with more chores around the house.  If baby is not co-sleeping, dad is probably involved in night feedings and not sleeping well.  Right or wrong, I'm just trying to think from his perspective for a minute, so don't hate me.  We can't ignore the financial responsibility in having kids, that ideally falls mostly upon the father.  (At least that's how I was raised and how it is in our family.)

Mom typically is the one who spends many more hours with the baby and gets to know the baby before dad.  She figures out the different cries the baby has, what they mean, and how to calm the baby.  When she has to tell him how to calm his baby, he might feel inadequate.  Dads often get to know their babies through play, once the baby is big enough. 

I can't explain why David didn't seem to feel these things.  I hear from so many couples that struggle within the first few months.  I wish all new dads enjoyed the new baby phase.  It is something that many women want to experience over and over. 

I am thinking out loud on this post.  It's just something that's been on my mind lately since David made that comment about missing the baby phase.  I'm so grateful for such a compassionate man to share my life with, one that loves babies and co-sleeping. 

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"Will The Baby Be in Our Bed Forever?"

When I talk about the benefits of bedsharing in my classes, I get such a mix of expressions. To many, they have never heard of anyone sleeping with their baby. We just don't do that in America! And for those who do, they probably don't talk about it. They certainly didn't start out with the intent of being a bedsharing family. David says that when I start talking about it, it's funny to watch the dads-to-be. He says they are imagining never having sex again! The moms, on the other hand, are imagining sleep! Oh, yes, this could be a good thing!

For the husbands, you will have sex again! Sometimes it will even be in your bed while the baby is soundly sleeping. As the baby grows, you'll find yourselves getting creative. Summer will become the favorite season because you won't be freezing outside the covers when you are having sex in other places in your house!

There will be nights when the baby sleeps in an "H" position, with you and your spouse on either side of the bed and the baby laying comfortably across the bed. I promise, someday you will laugh about it. Generally, everyone will sleep better this way, but you will have a handful of bad nights over the course of bedsharing. (Not nearly as many as those who do not bedshare.)

Some couples have their baby transition onto a pallet on the floor in their bedroom. Instead of bedsharing, you would now be roomsharing. Don't be surprised if your little one crawls up into your bed during the night for a while. It is a gradual process for most children. Don't be afraid to talk to them about what they are ready for. I had a weaning conversation with my third child at the age of 2. They understand! They will definitely let you know if they are not ready. Respect their decision. Encourage them without forcing them before they are ready. It's like potty training -- you can't make them do it. If you do, you will likely cause a rift between you. No one likes to be forced to do anything, even a toddler or preschooler. Simply mention it every couple of weeks. One day, they will just surprise you and announce that they want to sleep in their own bed tonight. You will likely have mixed emotions.






But it sure is nice to be able to have sex in your bed again, especially in the winter!

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Co-Sleeping, Bed-Sharing, and Room-Sharing -- Oh My!

I have always referred to sleeping with our babies as "cosleeping," but recently there has been some discussion about the differences between the two. Here's a basic definition of each:

Co-Sleeping: This is where a baby sleeps in the same room, usually within arms reach, as his or her parents, maybe in a bassinet or side-sleeper.

Bed-Sharing: This is when a baby sleeps in the same bed with his or her parents.

Room-Sharing: This is when a baby sleeps in the same room as his or her parents, in their own crib, bassinet, or bed.

David and I have done all three. With the first couple of babies, we were probably more co-sleepers than bed-sharers. Over time, we definitely discovered bed-sharing to be easier.

The need to differentiate between the two has arisen because of an anti-bedsharing campaign in NY. They are trying to convince parents that bed-sharing is unsafe. If you have the current issue (Jan/Feb) of Mothering, you have probably read the article. I just want to mention a few key points that were mentioned.

Because the focus is on safety of the baby, I'd quickly like to mention that for every 87 babies that die of SIDS, only 3 of those babies are exclusively breastfed. I'd really like to see the focus for preventing SIDS be in the form of breastfeeding information, encouragement, acceptance, etc. instead of misleading parents to believe that bed-sharing is unsafe.

There are some general guidelines that should be mentioned about safe bed-sharing right off the bat. These appeared in the Mothering article just mentioned:

* If bottle-feeding, without breastfeeding, or if the mother smoked during the pregnancy, it is recommended to use separate-surface cosleeping such as a side-sleeper or bassinet.

* It is best to have the bed away from the wall, even without a bedframe. Mattresses can pull away from the wall and the baby can become trapped between the mattress and the wall.

* If you keep the bed frame on the bed, make sure there are no spaces between the mattress and the head-board and foot-board. Be aware, also, of furniture surrounding the bed, such as a nightstand, that the baby could fall and suffocate.

*No children should sleep in an adult bed with an infant.

*Bedsharing should be avoided under the following circumstances: the adult(s) are overly exhausted, desensitized by drugs or alcohol, or sleeping with an unrelated adult.

*Use a stiff mattress, lay baby on his/her back, avoid using duvets or heavy blankets, and keep baby away from pillows.

* Never bedshare on a waterbed, couch, sofa, recliner, or chair. Do not leave baby alone on an adult bed.

*Both adults should agree to the sleeping arrangement if choosing bedsharing. They should both be responsive to and responsible for the baby.

Now that "the rules" are out of the way...

With all the recent hype, there are some important items to mention about the possible dangers of not co-sleeping or bed-sharing. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has stated that it is important for an infant to sleep in close proximity to his/her parents. It is called roomsharing. In this situation, the baby and the parent(s) sleep close enough for sensory exchanges, but not on the same surface. Does the room protect the baby? Of course not. But being near the mother does. Babies who room-share are half as likely to die of SIDS as infants who sleep alone or with siblings. Why is this?

For starters, babies are programmed to be in constant contact with their mothers, especially in the early weeks. Their only form of communication is to cry when they are stressed. Generally, babies will protest being "put down" or left alone for long periods of time. They have a need to be with their mothers. It is physical, emotional, and psychological. When a baby is left to cry for long periods of time, that can cause severe stress, raising the cortisol levels in the infant. (This also happens when a male infant is circumcised.) High cortisol levels can lead to permanent changes in brain structures and leave the infant especially vulnerable to stress. (Dr. William Sears, in The Baby Book, said that when you leave a baby to cry, you are teaching him/her to just give up. You are not coming back.)

Other physical reasons that a baby should sleep near his/her mother include: Premature and full-term infants breathe more regularly when next to each other, infants use energy more efficiently, they maintain lower blood pressure, grow faster, and experience less stress, as previously mentioned. Being near the mother also helps regulate the baby's temperature, brain-cell connections, calorie absorption, breathing, sleep, arousal patterns, and heart rate.

These benefits are all well documented. So what's the deal with the "Babies sleep safest alone" (NY State) and "All babies should be placed to sleep in cribs" and "For you to rest easy, your baby must rest alone" (Philadelphia) campaigns? Especially when the AAP has recommended roomsharing, emphasizing close proximity with your infant? Parents are only getting half of the information they need. These public health campaigns are making it sound as though bedsharing in-and-of-itself is unsafe and is disregarding the importance of the mother and baby sleeping near one another.

All families are different. All couples are different. And, yes, all babies are different. You have the guidelines to safe bed-sharing and co-sleeping, if that's what you choose. It's important that your baby sleep, at the very least, in the same room, if not the same bed, with the parents. Maybe someday, AAP will declare that infants should never sleep alone and end all this nonsense. Maybe someday, American babies will sleep safely next to their mothers like they do in other cultures, breastfeeding -- because it's the norm, because there was a wonderful public health campaign that encouraged them to do so, for the safety and security of their baby.

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