Birthday Boy & Baby Loss

As we close in on another year of our first-born-son's birth I am aware of the birthday's that we will not have with those of whom we would have loved more than we do already. I know how much of a blessing our very own 6 year old son is to our life & others around us & yet remain painfully aware of how 'missing' other children are. What am I on about?? I'll tell you. A deep personal story.

When our first-born-prince was 9 months old we conceived our second-unborn-princess whom we lost 9 weeks later.

I still remember that 'feeling' that I needed to see the Dr & so I did. Ultrasound day was the next day & as we waited for the flicker thing to flash on the screen it was absent. The sonographer was deadly silent. Moving, poking, prodding. I could tell something was not 'right' just by the way she held herself. She got a second opinion then she told us the news Michael & I already knew. There was no heartbeat.

Our baby who we had gotten all excited about had died without us knowing. We had even shared the exciting news & I did a scrapbook page about her.

We had to wait around for hours for the printout to happen. It sucked. Rarely are we that quiet. Rarely am *I* that quiet. Another Dr visit, a referral to hospital. More waiting. Seeing another Dr who wanted to scrape living cells that surrounded my baby out of me. Pfft!! As if!! A stranger trying to treat us as if our baby was 'just cells'.

I went home and waited it out. Quiet & sullen. She popped out the next day. I held her in my hands. She was tiny and small. She was the size of a 10c piece. I could see the curve of her back bone, her tiny little arm studs, the curl where her legs & feet would have grown & two black dark eye sockets where her eyes would have developed to have witnessed the world that was created all those years ago. She was not just a bunch of cells. She was a real-live-baby. Our Baby. She had been growing for 7 weeks. She had been alive in our separate bodies before that.

We named her Anaya Lysandra which means look up to God, & One who was chosen. It was fitting. It didn't feel right to 'flush her', or put her in the 'bin'. So I put her in a little scrap-booking container & popped her in the freezer. When the freezer got low I could see she was still 'alright', or other times I would panic thinking she had gotten lost or flicked out & would check on her. She never moved. But there were plenty of times that I thought about her. She stayed like that for two years.

Psalm 139:13

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb"

I remember every May. Thinking we should have had a 1yr old, 2 yr old, 3 yr old, 4yr old, next year we would have had a 5yr old. Then my lil Princess (third pregnancy/second child) would crawl past or run past with her bouncy curly hair & I know that I wouldn't have had her without the loss of our second pregnancy.

Every August I remember this was the month she was conceived & every September I remember this was the month we lost her.

I remember each time we have to tell a midwife how many pregnancies we have had & the births of all our children. I even remember her 'birth' when I think of the others.

Only 6 months later we conceived our third child. Our second born child. We wouldn't have her if we hadn't lost our baby. That's a hard one isn't it. To be grateful for the baby who made it who is in your life daily without feeling loss for the one who didn't. How do you make sense of that?
I have had the priveledge of talking to another mumma *waves* who lost her baby & conceived her living baby while she would have been pregnant. We are both very grateful for that which we have while still thinking & missing our missing child.

Jeremiah 1:5 

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb"

I heard a mother who lost her son at age 34? say "what is easier? Losing a baby early term? full term? still birth? a child or an adult child with a wife & 2 kids? I don't think ANY would be easier" & I think she is right. One has lived many years on earth yet leaves behind a spouse & children, another hasn't lived earthside. Isn't that a hard concept. Either way there is a loss encured. Grief hey. It is a strange thing.



I think that there are different kinds of 'baby loss'. Through miscarriage, still birth, live birth with an early death, live birth with a death at age 34, abortion, accidents, incidents.

But then there is a different kind of 'baby loss'. The kind where there has not BEEN a baby but the mother so dearly, so desperately would LIKE one but can not for whatever reason. (Think Hannah mother of Samuel, Rebecca & Leah, Abraham & Sarah, Tamar, etc). What category does those women fall under? The TCC mothers? Barren women?? *sigh*

They are all hard categories arn't they. Which is hardest? Which is easiest? They are all forms of loss. Some more seen then others, some can be hidden others can not.

Let me tell you this. If you blame yourself in any way then I have news for you.

YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO FORGIVE YOURSELF!!!

YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO CRY!!!

YOU HAVE PERMISSION GRIEVE!!!

YOU HAVE PERMISSION!!!

Whilst many mourn the loss of a full term baby there are many more mourning the loss of an early term baby. Their baby is hardly recognised as being a baby. I've heard of people giving their baby a name while others bury their very little baby under a tree or special plant in memory.
 That is about it.

So today, in memory of many missing babies but a few in particular with loads of tears & a giant handful of balloons off the end of the jetty. It was rather a series of special moments that I know I will remember for a long time.

If you are one of these mumma's with or without children I want to pay tribute to you and let you know that I believe there is hope in healing. That you can be healed from your loss/es. Do you need to go let of a series of balloons? Do you have something to say to your baby/s (yes I am aware that is not correct spelling)? Then I encourage you, to find the time, to do so.

Psalm 91:1

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty

So, I would like to pay tribute to SOME babies whom are not here on earth, but resting peacefully in the arms of a loving saviour: I have never really done anything special for our missing baby. I do have some plans in my head. I think that from now on I should.

IN MEMORY OF:

Please feel free to add more babies that you in the comments section

Anaya Lysandra 2006
Kharlie 2010
Joshua
Jeremy
Samuel

Jack 2005

Adam Joel 2006

Thomas George 2009

Serenity

Sebastian Levi 2011- Go read this blog!!
Hannah
Rebecca
??? 1980-1981
Ella

((And if you are wondering what I tell my children, because I know the questions come up about what they tell their children when someone dies, I tell them the truth as it is. The baby died in the tummy so mummy is sad. My children know about Anaya and that she died in my tummy. I do not believe in witholding life truths from my children and as their parent that is my & my husbands choice. Not saying that those who do not are doing it wrong. Simply stating this is what *I* do & I believe it is right for our family))