You'd think that after 6 years of marriage we'd have it altogether by now, or at the least part half together. Unfortunately, for me, I'm still hanging on by a thread.
A worn stretched thin thread.
As a "Christian" I find admitting this to be rather shameful and I think that's not fair. For me. So go easy on me. Or don't. I don't care ultimately.
For me it means fear of asking for the miracle that I need firstly in my heart and then in my life.
I wanted the perfect life with the fruitful garden, lots of little kids, the perfect man, and to serve wholeheartedly. Turns out lots of little kids is the easiest, most rewarding part of my heart & life.
I'm disappointed and lack contentment. I covet the idea of the perfect marriage being mine.
I would rather lay on my bed, under my warm blanket shaking & crying then stumbling around in the dark grasping at nothing. I often feel hopeless. I am hopeless. I often feel this is my only option.
Many months ago I read a blogpost by a fellow mum Blogger who stated that parenting did not come naturally to her. For years she struggled in the area of parenting and still does. I could not relate in any way.
Except in the area of marriage. Marriage has been the most difficult, tragic, traumatic experience in my life. I feel like giving up. I feel like walking out. I feel my imperfections. I feel like all I do is fail. I feel unworthy. I feel broken. I feel pushed to side and abandoned. I feel so many negative emotions. I feel like this often. Too often.
I often look around me and 'see' other married couples and rarely hear they have struggled seriously. Just seems so perfect. From the outside.
So there you have it. A 2:30am post and you now know this mother is broken in pieces.
Please don't assume I am not thankful or grateful of the one who fathers my children and holds me in the night (& puts up with me). I am. I love him too. Lots actually.
Hope yours is better than mine.
Xx
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