DIY -- Siblings at Birth Class

It's your lucky day!  I am giving you my outline for my Siblings at Birth class I periodically teach.  I've written on this topic of children attending birth before.  Here's a link if you are still thinking this is a little weird.
One of the first questions I get about this class is what age is appropriate?  You know your children better than anyone, but as a general rule, I think a mature 3-year-old does fine.  Many families like the idea of including their children, but it is important that the children make their own decision as to whether or not they want to be there.  Let them get the information and then decide for themselves.  Vena was 6 when Darcy was born and chose not to be in the room.  Of course, at 13, she regrets that decision, but at the time, that was the right decision for her.  

First off, I tell the children how often I get to teach the class, which is almost never.  Children rarely are invited to a birth, and if they are, I find that a lot of parents aren't real sure how to prepare them.  I hope you'll pick up some helpful tips here.

I let the children know that their parents really love them a lot to invite them to be at the birth.  We have some conversation about how they feel about the new baby.  Is it a boy or girl?  What do they hope for?  What do they think the birth will be like?  How do they feel about being at the birth?  You might be surprised at some of the answers.

We talk about the environment where the baby currently lives.  No hunger, perfect temperature, cozy, can hear voices, and the baby likes to be with mom.  I bring my baby and placenta and umbilical cord.  Pictures work great too.  Depending on the ages of the children, you can make this as complex or as simple as needed.

When we start talking about contractions, I find that simple pictures of contractions -- ie. the wavy pictures where they start out far apart and not very high, progressing to short breaks and high "hills" -- are pretty effective for the rest of the discussion.  I refer back to it when we are talking about appropriate things for them to be doing depending on which phase of labor their mom is in.

The visualization of a turtleneck pulling over your head , depending on what part of the country you live, is good for children when describing the cervix pulling back to let the baby out.  I taught this class this week and the kids had no idea what a turtleneck is!  That's Texas winters for you!

Tell them about the type of environment that is helpful -- dark, quiet, warm.  I suggest the kids pack a labor bag too, no matter where the birth is taking place, just like mom will be doing.  Pack special snacks, a new or favorite movie, and new puzzles or books.  Pack things that they can help with at the birth -- a massage tool to use on mom's back, suckers for mom (and maybe one or two for themselves), some juice boxes, a camera, or a journal.  Give them a job to do at the birth.  It keeps them focused and they feel valued.  They want to help but won't know how unless you give them direction beforehand.

It's always fun to ask the kids, "How does the baby get out?"  I tell the story of Daymon asking at 4 years old this very question.  I told him to think on it for a few minutes.  I was jumping out of my car briefly, and when I got back in, I asked him if he had an answer.  He said he thought that it must be like a really big poop!  The kids always think its funny, but then I go on to explain how it is similar.  They can understand pushing a poop out!

My favorite part of the class is talking about the sounds and facial expressions mom will likely make.  If you haven't read my post on Sounding Your Labor, you might check that out.  I have the kids relax all their muscles, take some good deep breaths, and let out the lowest longest sound they can.  Afterwards, I have them make a high pitched sound.  It's good if they watch each other when they do it, too.  Their shoulders come up and their breathing is shallow and tight.  I ask them which one they felt more relaxed.  Of course, they all say they were more relaxed when they made the low sounds.  I show them what their mom might sound like -- obviously, it's good if they hear this from their actual mother!  Tell them that is another way they can help her -- listen for the low sounds and encourage her to make those sounds (they won't be afraid of those sounds then).  If they hear the high-pitched ones, they can remind her to "bring it down."

A heads up about mom keeping her eyes closed during labor might be helpful too.  They need to know that during labor they cannot ask mom for help.  Her only job is to get the baby out and Dad's only job is to help Mom.  If they need anything, they need to ask the people that are there to help them. 

Speaking of -- There needs to be someone helping with the children at the actual birth and there needs to be someone who will be OK with leaving the birth to be with any children who decide they do not want to be in the room. 

Let's face it, some births are bloodier than others.  Letting children know where the blood is coming from is helpful.  When you talk about the placenta and how it is attached, be sure to tell them that the placenta will be "born" too and there will be some blood.  It's normal.  I've found that some kids are excited about being at the birth until they learn about the placenta.

Watching birth videos where children are present at the births is helpful as well.  It's good that they see how the other kids react.  If they can hear some "sounding," even better.  Talk about how good the mom sounds, how relaxed.  It gets the kids comfortable with these sounds being a good thing, not scary. 
Finally, talk to them a bit about the new baby.  The baby will know their voices and will like for them to play peek-a-boo or sing to them.  The baby will cry.  They can help figure out what makes the baby happy.   Give them special jobs to help with when the new baby comes.

I hope this post is helpful in preparing your children to be at their sibling's birth.  Forgive me if you have heard this story before - I'm getting old and have started repeating myself!  Daymon desperately wanted a brother and I was positive I was giving him one.  When Darcy was born, I held her for a long time, scared to turn this baby over.  What if it was another girl? I would very likely never be giving my son a brother.  When David announced it was Darcy, not James, 8-year-old Daymon shed big silent tears.  It was such a heartbreaking moment.  Ripped my heart out, in fact.  They stayed up for a while, but sometime around midnight we sent them to bed.  He was the first one up at 6:00 the next morning.  He snuggled in to our bed right behind Darcy and while he was looking at her, whispered, "I love her more than anything in the world."  

I believe that Daymon witnessing his third sister's birth -- and finding out with everyone at the same time that the baby was a girl -- greatly influenced his acceptance of this baby. 

I congratulate you for including your children in your birth experience.  Have the children write or draw a picture shortly after the birth documenting the experience from their perspective.  You'll treasure that forever.  Witnessing the birth will help to set them on a path of believing birth is a normal life event -- one to be treasured and shared with those you love most. 

*Photos used with permission.  Thanks to the talented Keri Duckett, a member of the Tarrant County Birth Network.