Confessions of a Former Babywise Advocate

 A few years ago I had a mom in class that asked a lot of questions about Baby Wise vs. Attachment Parenting and it spurred me to write a blog post on the topic.  Fast forward 2 1/2 years and this same mom wants to become a Birth Boot Camp Instructor.  I knew she had "done" Baby Wise with her baby and that is not what Birth Boot Camp teaches.  She came clean and told me her story of scheduling her 1st baby and practicing Attachment Parenting with baby #2.   Thank you, Rachel, for sharing your story here.

"I am writing this post in hopes that I can encourage mothers in the art of mothering. I prepared for my first birth like many moms. Regular prenatal care, vitamin supplementation, proper protein, reading birth books, taking natural childbirth classes, and making a birth plan were all a part of the wonderful anticipation of being a mother for the first time.

We all receive tons of unsolicited advice when expecting, don't we? It may come from family and friends, but some times complete strangers at the check out, checking you out, nodding their head) saying, "So.... when are you due; pretty soon, huh?" I first heard of "Baby Wise" in line at a check out, then from a friend who it to me. I put it on my list to read along with all the other books Donna had us reading for class. 

One thing about me is, my personality lends itself to a schedule.  I like having a game plan and being in control. My mother always motivated me with check lists and it actually worked. I used to put things on the list I had already done, just so I could check them off and see the accomplishments. Yes, I am one of those "A-type" people. This may have been because I was a first born, or because of the influence of my mother who was a first born, or just because that's my God given organized personality. Any how, when seeking a plan for my firstborn, I went ahead and read "Baby Wise" because I had heard a baby needed to be on a schedule.

Our first born daughter was born at home! So, we got the unmedicated, natural birth we had planned for and loved the experience. I remember saying to my husband, directly after birth, "If that is how birth is, than we can have lots more kids!" I had my husband, midwives, their assistants, my doula, and our new baby all in my master bathroom at the time of her birth. I believe there were nine in all.

She latched on to nurse like a pro just after birth. She loved her sling, "The Over the Shoulder Baby Holder". After much research, we decided not to vaccinate at all. My two main goals were to exclusively breastfeed our baby for the first year and to have her sleeping through the night by at least 10 weeks. What was I thinking!!! What I did not know at first was that my two goals were diametrically opposed. I went on believing that if I scheduled her and followed the eat, wake, sleep pattern like what the "Baby Wise" book said, I could have the best of both worlds. "Baby Wise" made us think that if I we were going to be wise parents, we would follow a written schedule.

I live my born-again life with integrity towards God. 1 Corinthians 15:3b-4 "Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures." I believe a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving Jesus Christ. I love my husband and we both wanted to give our daughter the very best. Unfortunately, we were misinformed. 

It is true that a baby can sleep through the night at 8 weeks, can move to a crib in his/her own room at 6 weeks, can be a happy baby, and can nurse well for a while. I know because mine did. If there was ever a "just like the book baby" it was Alayna. Her patterns of eat/wake/sleep were exactly as the book said they would be. When she went "off her schedule," this is what we call now going through growth spurts, teething, or crying. Sadly, we looked in the book to see what to do for her, as if it were an all purpose magical baby users manuel. I hate to say it, but it's true. People stopped me all the time to tell me what a sweet, happy baby she was. They told me she was an easy baby and I was "lucky" to have her sleeping through the night so soon. She was very contented and seemed to be thriving in every way we knew of at that time until she was 7 months old.

I began seeing her demand for more milk and I was not producing enough to satisfy her. Up till then, nursing had been wonderful for us, but I soon realized that her metabolism was geared for large amounts of food at set intervals and that my milk supply was hindered by scheduling. It made my body so rhythmic that it would not let down until a certain time had lapsed. Unlike demand feeding, where a child communicates hunger and mother's milk is always there ready to flow! We were both getting so frustrated. She was hungry and unhappy and I was worried my dreams were vanishing. I went out and bought the best pump I could find. I had never tried a pump before until she was 8 months old. While this did help my supply a little, it turned out to be a big pain. I was nursing my daughter on schedule and tied down to a pump the rest of the time. I began realizing that my 2 goals were not compatible. I wish I had known that exclusive demand feedings at the breast were the most healthy and natural way to go. Sure I was told, but I had not experienced the freedom from a schedule yet.

I shared my frustrations with a close friend who recommended us visit her "Natural Doctor" in Houston, TX. My husband and I prayed about it and decided to get some professional help. We had never been to a Wellness Doctor before. Dr. Hopkins at CWA taught us many things about wellness, healthy eating, nursing, and how our bodies work best eating foods designed for us specifically. I was given whole food supplements to strengthen and richen my milk supply. He taught us and challenged us not to schedule our daughter anymore. In time a demand nursed baby will find his/her own routine that promotes his/her individual health. We prayed some more and chose to put a fresh priority on our baby's optimum health. We quit "Baby Wise" thinking and stepped out in faith to the unknown world of possibilities available through what the book calls, "Attachment Parenting!" My husband and I tried to un-schedule our 10 month old. The most surprising thing happened. I could not, try as I might, to un-schedule her. It was the hardest thing in the world, but I was able to get off the breast pump and go back to just nursing her for another 4 months. Proverbs 13:20 "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise:" I am so thankful for the true wisdom of our Christian Doctor.

It was so impossible to unschedule our scheduled baby. For 8 months out of 10, that schedule had become such a part of her we could not separate the two. I am sad to say, she only knew life through the "glasses" of a schedule. She was quite addicted to it. I mean, if she did not have meals at set times her sugar levels would plummet. With it, came crashing down tears and unrest. If we were away from home during "nap time" she would have a melt down. She seemed to "need" her schedule for weeks and months after we took it away. The regular ups and downs of daily living without a schedule were hard on her at first. It was not until she weaned herself at 14 months (too early for me) that we really saw full improvement in her ability to enjoy life to it's fullest. Who knows how long she may have nursed if we had never introduced a schedule?  Her mood swings went away and her over all health improved by 94% from her first check up with Dr. Hopkins at 10 months old.

I always felt very attached to my baby, but compared to my second born, she was actually too independent.  I would even say, she was unattached emotionally and we didn't even know what we were missing.  I am grateful our 3-year-old has recovered, but we will never have those early years to do over again.

After our second home birth, we talked about how, in some ways, it would be like parenting for the first time all over again. I was looking forward to guilt-free co-sleeping! I loved it and we got better rest than we did following "Baby Wise".  My husband cherished more time with our baby in our bed than I had ever dreamed possible. And because we were doing many things more naturally like demand-feeding, it was easy to go on dates. We were not on a time schedule dependent on when the baby would need to be in bed . 

Hannah nursed exclusively for 12 months and 1 week. Around 13 months we bought a king size bed to accommodate for needed space. I did not want space to be the reason to move her out of our bed before she was ready. She still nurses on demand and loves snuggling in her sling at 18 months old. I had never allowed myself the privilege of napping with my first baby in my bed, so I made up for it with our second. She stayed in our bed at night for over a year and then occasionally on an as-needed basis. She was still in our room in a pack-and-play until one particular night when she motioned "up, up" to the old out-of-use crib in her sister's room. Now that Hannah is 18 months old she sleeps in her own bed in her big sister's room because she wants to do things just liked Alayna. If she is sick and needs to nurse more frequently she knows she is always welcome back with us.

Recognizing that God has called me to function as His agent defines my task as a mother. Ibelieve our culture and "Baby Wise" have reduced parenting to providing care. Parents often see the task in these narrow terms. The child must have food, clothes, a bed and some quality time. In sharp contrast to such a weak view, God has called me to a more profound task than being a care-provider.

Mothering is a pervasive task. It does not end even when we are sleeping. In our homes we need to parent our children in God's behalf. Whether waking, walking, talking, singing, resting, or nursing, I must be involved in helping my children to understand life, herself and her needs from a biblical perspective. The best advice I can leave with you for mothering comes from Deuteronomy 6:5-7 "And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." 

The task God has given me is NOT one that can be conveniently SCHEDULED."

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Another Old Lady Post -- Featuring Trace Adkins

There's always a couple of things that happen during the week that spark an idea for the weekly blog post.  The first was a question one of my former students posed on her Facebook page about letting her seven-week-old baby cry to sleep.  The other was a conversation with an old friend.

Remember when you were in the grocery store and an older woman stopped you and told you to enjoy your babies while they are little?  One day they will be grown and you'll wonder where the time has gone.  Alisa (yes, the Alisa that sparked my journey towards natural birth) and I were talking about this yesterday -- how we couldn't really grasp what the "old" lady was saying at the time.  But now, well, it's happening.  Neither of us have little babies and toddlers at home at anymore.  They are all in school.

I was telling my 15-year-old this week that if he could just see the big picture, he would probably do things a little differently.  I told him even at 25, I'm not sure I could see it.  At nearly 41, I'm seeing the big picture a bit clearer.

My 50-something-year-old cousin -- a prison guard -- made this comment on his Wall this week:  I remember as a parent, a swat across the butt would get their attention. Now as a grandparent a hug gets their hearts....and mine. I've finally figured out that their hearts are more important than their attention. I guess the old saying is true...by the time you are old enough to be a grandparent, you are mature enough to be a parent.

I'm not quite there yet - thankfully - but I'm seeing what the "old" people are talking about.  When Darcy was still small enough to hold, maybe 3 or so, I told her that one day I wouldn't be able to hold her anymore.  She got real sad and refused to believe that was true.  We went one by one through the other kids and I asked her if she ever sees me carry them.  At the time, the only one taller than me was my son.  The image of me carrying him around made Darcy giggle.  She's tried to stay small, but it's not working out!  She's almost 7 now, and needless to say, I can't carry her anymore.



I have a house with bigger kids now.  Two of my kids are taller than me now.  They all go to sleep on their own and sleep through the night.  They can mostly take care of themselves.  Darcy still needs some help, but it's readily available by other people besides just me.  I can leave the house by myself almost whenever I need to.  Rarely do I have someone sitting on my lap.  I don't get to read to anyone much anymore now that they all can do that on their own.   The slings I carried them in are all tucked neatly away in their baby buckets.



My point?  These phases that we are in -- even the ones that seem like they will last forever -- don't.  They will end.  Every day we make memories and lay a foundation.  Hold your babies.  You cannot spoil them.  I do think you can "spoil" an older child, but that's a story for another day!  A baby's needs and wants are the same thing.

I keep telling myself,  "This too shall pass" with the 15-year-old, but unfortunately, I've got 3 more right behind him!  Ha!  I'll do my best to follow my own advice and love them, enjoy this time, knowing it won't last forever.  I wish the baby phase back -- not sure I'll wish for the teenage years back though!

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Baby "Milestones" are Stupid

I received a message from one of my former students today in distress over her family comparing her baby to her sister's baby, who is just two weeks younger. I have a feeling a lot of us can relate to this.

"I'm starting to receive concern from family members about Ellie being slow to hit milestones. She is a happy, alert, curious baby, but she does not sit unassisted yet, and she is nowhere near crawling. She is 7 1/2 months old. Of course all the concerned people are trying to figure out why she is "delayed" and pointing fingers at: too much breastfeeding, lack of solid food, the fact that she doesn't sleep in her own room or know how to "self-soothe," or the fact that I carry her too much.

I doubt everyone would be so concerned, except that Ellie is being directly compared to her cousin (my sister's baby) who is exactly 2 weeks younger. He has been sitting and crawling for weeks, and now he is starting to pull up on furniture to a standing position. He is formula-fed, started solids at 4 months, and was trained to sleep in his own crib (in his own room). My sister is also careful not to pick him up "too much" so as not to "spoil" him. So those methods now look more successful than my methods.

Anyway, I just wondered if you had a blog post about this (or maybe if you wanted to write one!), or if you had any other info about it, so that I could send a link or something to the relatives that are bugging me."

Give that boy a ribbon!  Oh wait, the ribbon goes to the mom, right?

When my first baby was little, I remember comparing him to every baby that was remotely close to his age.  The only thing he did "early" was sit up.  He was 5 months old and fat as could be.  He looked like a bowling ball.  I think that is the only reason he did sit up!  I was so relieved when he got his first tooth at 9 months.  He finally started crawling at 10 months.  In fact, my earliest crawler was 9 months.  Of four children, my earliest walker was 13 months.

As you could probably guess, my babies, like this mama's baby, were all carried extensively in the sling.  I was constantly talking to them.  They were learning language and engaged in all kinds of  activities they otherwise probably wouldn't have been from a stroller or car seat.

I have read -- and maybe this was made up by someone who wanted to make parents of "slow" babies feel better -- that babies who do things later tend to be soaking up more around them.  They tend to speak sooner and often more clearly.  I do think that when they are engaged in whatever activity their caregiver is engaged in, they are preoccupied.  When they are left "alone" they find ways to occupy themselves, often finding out what their body can do.  This is so not true of some babies and I'll probably incite a riot with that statement.   Babies who do things early are more focused on doing than learning.   Like I said, I have no idea if that has any merit whatsoever.  As we all know, babies are all so different.  They do things when they are ready.

I was concerned about one of my kids being dyslexic when she was small.  I took her in and they wouldn't even give me the time of day.  They said at that age  -- she was about pre-K -- the spectrum was enormous.  They said by 3rd grade that gap narrows significantly. 

I've always felt like, who cares if one kid can read at 4, or crawl at 6 months, or eat solid food at 4 months, or walk at 12 months!  It doesn't mean they are smarter or better than the next kid.  It also doesn't mean that you are a better mom!  Once they are talking, walking, feeding themselves, swinging on the swings, playing tag on the playground, playing video games, Facebooking with their friends, and downloading music on their ipod, no one cares about these milestones.  It's like due dates.   40 weeks is an estimated time of arrival.  As we know, it means little. 

Ultimately, those milestones, in my opinion, are kinda stupid.  I think a mom knows when something is not right.  Those milestones, like fetal kick counts, make a mom super paranoid, almost always unnecessarily.  If you do feel that something is not quite right, visit with your pediatrician about your concerns.  Follow your gut, but not what the kid next door is doing!  Don't compare your baby with other babies.  For that matter, don't compare your teenager with other teenagers!

A couple of years ago I had to tell one of my students to put the books away and just focus on her baby.  She was making herself crazy with all the things her baby should be doing, or parenting exactly the way the book said was the right way.  At some point, you have to just look at you, your kid, and your situation and do what works for your family.  Some things sound great in a book but just don't play out that way in your real life.  I experienced this quite a bit with my babies. 

As for my former student's message?  I feel bad for the other kid.  He's not getting breastmilk, he's choking down solid food, not getting held nearly as much as his cousin, and he sleeps alone.  Follow your instincts, Mama!  You are doing a fabulous job.  And your baby is so lucky to be parented with so much love.

For the record, none of my kids read at the age of 4, but they all read now.

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Toddler Tantrums - Keeping it In Perspective

I am totally out of the toddler tantrum era (thankfully) and am fully immersed in teenage drama.  I don't know which is worse, really.  The toddlers are physically draining, but the teenagers are mentally and emotionally exhausting.  I love telling my toddler-freak-out-moment stories, but I'll refrain.  We've all been there, done that. 

I have a good friend that is dealing with a very active and inquisitive toddler and she has received some mixed advice lately.  She posed the question to a few of us and I wanted to share one of the responses she got.  I think there are probably several readers that could benefit from her words.  She practices Attachment Parenting better -- and more accurately -- than anyone else I know.

Here was the question:

This is so random, but I need veteran mommy help. Seems like (toddler) is having a lot of tantrums lately. Somebody recently told me that I need to stand him up and make him obey, that he shouldn't be allowed to have his way and that I should not nurse him after a fit as not to "reward" that behavior. Thinking on that. I try and reason with him, as he comprehends very well for 17 months. Any thoughts?

Here is the (fabulous) response:

A) I don't think children should be treated with less respect because they are little. B) if someone told (husband) to stand up to you and make you obey you would think they were a total jerk.

That being said - you don't deserve to be treated disrespectfully by (toddler) just because he is little either.

I don't want to raise obedient children, I want to raise thoughtful respectful adults. Respect begets respect in my opinion (well until they are 15, but I think that's a temporary freak out thing, kind of like being a toddler).

The problem with toddlers is that they are so frustrated in their little bodies because they cannot execute their big ideas. He's not freaking out to be spiteful or mean to you, he's just trying to get his point across using his improving communication skills. For all his life you have given him most everything his heart desired. Now his desires are getting more particular than just cuddling and nursing, which means that he is having to learn to not get everything he wants which sucks for him.

Our job is to teach them it's okay to have wants, it's okay if sometimes they aren't immediately fulfilled, and what the appropriate ways are to make those requests are and deal with the disappointments.

I think when a child tries to express frustration through a tantrum and a parent "stands up" to them with a scary show of force, it reinforces that that is acceptable behavior (a mommy tantrum) and also tells him that mommy has no better coping skills than freaking out too.

Going the alternate route of speaking in a very quiet voice and offering alternatives to the tantrum, and soothing words that you know he can take deep breaths and calm down reinforces that fact to you and him. If also forces him to lower his volume to hear you. Even if you achieve that reaction 51% of the time, you are reinforcing the message that most the time, overwhelming feelings can be dealt with calmly.

It is hard as heck to be calm when meltdown is occurring so that's why I focus on that scale being tipped rather than insisting on perfection in myself. For some reason this week has been really hard for her and I and a couple of times I have loaded everyone up in the car and gone for a drive.

I feel for (toddler daughter) when she wants something so badly and can't have it, while I just walk over and pick it up, or get it off the shelf. Now she is starting to self regulate and tell me she is taking deep breaths and thinking in the middle of her tears.

I don't do nursing sessions at this point to get a big tantrum under control (unless it's really a crisis), but at the age (toddler) is at, I would ask her if nursing for a moment would help her to relax and think more clearly and if she said yes I would nurse for a bit. That's been his comfort and how he regulated his emotions for his whole life- why should that change abruptly?

Also as nursing is changing, also pay attention to whether he is hungry/ thirsty/ tired , less nursing as he grows means different patterns of food and water consumption and of his blood sugar is down his behavior will suck....

Thanks Shannon, of simplebaby.com, for those words of advice and perspective.  I have no doubt they will help another mama dealing with the exact same situation as our friend.  I have determined that it is easier to deal with a toddler tantrum than one of a 15-year-old not getting his way.  At least they are still cute as toddlers!  Good luck mamas!  This too shall pass.

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The Etiquette of Attachment Parenting

Really, I'm not trying to become one of those old ladies who criticizes how everyone is raising their children.  This is one of those posts that you think, "Should I say it or should I not?"  I'm gonna say it.  Don't hate me.

My experience with Attachment Parenting (AP) has been this:  My hairdresser turned me on to Dr. William Sears's Baby Book in 1996.  After a couple of months of searching for a sling and finally finding a tie-dyed one, I started wearing my baby (back when no one did this) and sleeping with my baby.  I tried to establish trust and a healthy relationship simply by meeting my baby's needs, often before he even knew what he needed.  The idea behind Attachment Parenting is that you and your child are, simply, attached.  He respects you because you respect him.

My babies never cried themselves to sleep.  They nursed.  We got better with each baby mostly because we looked at our big kids and realized how fast the time went with the babies.  We held them and enjoyed our time of their being little.  We also had the advantage of seeing that, yes, they do eventually sleep -- even in their own beds -- and do other things that you can't imagine them doing when you are immersed in the craziness of toddlerhood.

We always did time-outs, which may be controversial in the world of Attachment Parenting.  In fact, I'll be real honest.  Our time out chair was an old car seat that no one could get out of.  (Eventually, Daymon figured out he could just stand up and walk around with it attached to him and at that point, we moved on to taking away privileges, etc!)  Time outs lasted however long their age was.  For example, 3 years old = 3 minutes of time out.  It was very effective.  Usually the threat of time out was all that was needed, especially as they got older.  I don't remember using timeouts after the age of 5.

Sometimes I totally yelled -- still do -- at my children.  They will be the first to tell you that.   Often, I was -- and still am -- the one taking the time out!  I am, by no means, the perfect parent.  I can name lots of people that parent better than I do.  I do like to think, however, that I have well-behaved children.  Again, not perfect, but pretty darn good.

I've seen a trend over the last several months, under the umbrella of Attachment Parenting, that I would venture to call  "permissive parenting," stolen from my friend Shannon's quote on someone's wall this weekend.  She summed it up beautifully and I hope she doesn't mind me swiping it off Facebook!

"AP parenting is building a foundation that does last a lifetime. We are teaching our children that we will provide for them in a fundamental and practical way, emotional and practically. This can be done with bottle feeding, but it is not as easily done (it takes a LOT more effort), and the nutritional benefits are lacking.

That being said, it's sad to see the "AP" movement turn into a permissive parenting perspective that undoes much of what attachment parenting practices should do, establishing boundaries in a safe and loving environment."

Yes! This is what I'm talking about!  I have seen parents who claim to practice AP let their children run wild, often in places where it is quite disruptive.  I will refrain from expanding on that statement.  

It is OK to discipline your child and teach them that there are appropriate places to run around and be loud.  There is a time and place for everything.  But it is OK -- and expected by old people like me! -- that parents will also teach their children how to sit still, be quiet, and listen or play quietly with a book, etc.  If parents don't teach them, they will be forced to learn it in school by someone other than their parent.  They will be labeled at that point.  (A lot of AP parents homeschool and think this is a moot point.  It's not.  At some point, people will see your child as disruptive, disrespectful, irreverent, and possibly obnoxious.)  Parents have a responsibility to teach their children how and when to be quiet!

I also see a lot of AP parents doing things for their children that I believe the children should be doing themselves, or at least learning to do.  Picking up after themselves, for example.  Occasionally I  have people at my house with small children who play with the toys Darcy still has out. (Those days are limited for us, now.  Soon they will be gone as she gets older.)  It's interesting to watch how parents respond to the toys and the mess their children have made.  Some parents will have their child pick them all up, while others will insist on their child helping to pick them up, usually explaining why it's important and respectful to do so (this is AP parenting!).  Others will pick up all the toys while their children watch.  Where is the lesson in that?  Every now and then I have parents (and their children) who don't pick up any of the mess their children make.  Don't get me started on that one.

I have to use another comment from a former student of mine that I read on Facebook this week.  Again, I hope she doesn't mind me lifting her comment:

"...People may think I'm strict or unreasonable in training my kids to sit at the table and eat, but the reward comes when I can have a lovely dinner date with just my boy and girl.  We talk, laugh, and eat, and it's usually quite nice.  When he uses the manners we've taught him in dealing with the servers it makes me quite proud.  He's such a sweet and grateful boy."

And that about sums it up.  I might add that her children are very small.  Yes, it is often more effort to correctly practice Attachment Parenting, but the payoff is tremendous.  

I've thought a lot lately, as Daymon is approaching his 15th birthday, about Attachment Parenting and its significance it's played in my life as well as my childrens' lives.  They do not remember being little -- breastfeeding, cosleeping, or constantly being carried in their sling.  Their memories are scattered from when they were little.  But, like Shannon said, AP parenting provides a foundation from which to build.  A foundation of trust, of boundaries, respect, and growth.  We want our children to grow into responsible, independent, trusting, and capable adults.  

I look at each of my children, and while they all have different strengths and weaknesses, they have a good foundation.  They are civilized and respectful and caring.  The foundation is there, even if the memories (of things that were so important and significant to me) are not.  When they are driving me crazy, I just reach back into my file and pull out a sweet memory of when they were little.  I expect to do that a lot during these teenage years!

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Eviction Notice: Get Out!

There are several topics I want to tackle in this post.  As you know, I work with moms who are typically in their last trimester, which, for some, can be a very trying time.  Personally, I always enjoyed being pregnant with my four babies.  With the fourth baby, however, I did have a glimpse of understanding why women get induced. I was 34, which I must admit, was harder than the other pregnancies had been, and I suspect age had something to do with it, although having 3 other babies to look after was probably the majority of it!

I totally understand wanting to meet your new baby and getting your body back, or being able to breathe again and not having to switch sides all night long because your hips are killing you.  Maybe you've had some ailment, like a foot in your ribs for the last 6 weeks, or constant heartburn, or maybe even the worst of all ailments, PUPPS.  Lately, it seems that the "due date" has been referred to by some as the baby's "eviction notice."  I honestly believe that most people use this term jokingly.  Some, on the other hand, have seemed quite serious.

 When someone gets an eviction notice, they are being kicked out of their home for doing something wrong -- most likely for not paying the money they owe for rent.  They no longer have the right to live there.  Your baby, on the other hand, has not done anything to warrant getting "kicked out" of his/her home.  Maybe their "due date" has come and gone.  You know it, but your baby does not.  He doesn't have a little calendar in the womb with the date circled in red to tell him "today is the day to move out!"  While 40 weeks is the average gestation, some babies need longer than that.  Be kind to your little tenant.  He is much easier to deal with in his current home than when he actually does "move out." 

I've had many moms over the years who have sat on my couch in tears after their baby is here because they can't believe how hard this little one is to deal with.  They always comment on how if they had really known, they wouldn't have been so anxious to get him out!  Once that baby is here, he's here.  Pregnancy is over.  It can be an emotional thing with the attention shifting off of mom and onto the baby.  Many women will experience a sense of loss once the pregnancy is over, which can surprise many women who were so anxious to get the baby here.  

And who doesn't miss feeling the baby move?  I can't even remember what that felt like now.  I would give anything to feel that again, to remember.  I always tell my moms, at 40 weeks, even if they go the full 2 weeks "over," they will be mamas in less than 14 days.  Somehow that makes it more tangible.  The pregnancy will end.  You will hold your baby. 

Treasure the end of pregnancy.  Do something really fun and creative to pass the time.  Feel free to add to this list in the comments.  The possibilities are endless.

*Do a belly cast.  

*Do pregnancy photos one more time.  

*Rent some good sappy movies with your husband.  (We saw "Little Women" and "Mr. Holland's Opus" when I was due with Daymon.  David cried more than I did!)

*Or some really great comedies.  

*Stay in a hotel and enjoy these last days together as a "single" couple.  

Don't just sit around watching the clock or the calendar.  Make the most of this time. 

Once the baby is here, spend as much time holding your baby as humanly possible, despite your mother-in-law telling you that you shouldn't.  Your baby will be easier to deal with and bond with if you can recreate the womb for him. 

Recreating the womb involves making his new home as close to his last home as possible:

*He never experienced hunger before.  This is a new sensation in his belly.  He might want to nurse all the time to keep that funny feeling away.  That is OK.  Let him nurse. 
*He never felt wide open space around him.  He was curled up.  Cozy. Warm.  Put him in a sling and wear him.  He'll think he's in the womb again.  (Yes, I can sell you a sling, but that's not why I'm telling you this!)
 *He listened to your heart beat all day long.  He heard your voice, knows your walk, your laugh, even the noises of your stomach.  Those sounds are comforting to him.  Keep him nearby and he will be comforted.

I'm tempted to make co-sleeping it's own post.  I've written about it on the blog quite a bit, but I just want to mention it here briefly.  I'm not sure why Americans think their baby needs their own separate room and bed.  To quote lactation consultant, Mellanie Sheppard, again, "You are your baby's environment."  Seriously.  You want to sleep?  You want your baby to sleep?  Then you need to be co-sleeping.  It's not strange.  Your baby will not be in your bed forever.  You will still have sex with your husband, although maybe not in the bed!  Again, this phase of your life will not last terribly long.  Enjoy it!  We miss that time of having a little baby sleeping between us. 

It took David and I four kids to figure out the best way to parent a newborn.  We didn't set up a crib.  Our bed was her bed from day one, even for naps.  She was continuously is the sling.  She nursed around the clock.  She hardly made a peep.  I remember David even commented one time that she didn't seem to have much personality.  You should see her now!  Wow!  My point is simply that when I see parents meeting their baby's needs before the baby even knows what they need, baby is totally content. And so is mom and dad!

One more bit of advice:  Don't compare your baby to other babies.  That will make you insane.  Also, at some point, as much as I love for you to read my blog and my recommended reading list, you need to just put all of that aside and get to know your baby.  Some things sound great in a book (or a blog!), but the reality is sometimes completely different. 

Your baby is unique and you are the perfect parent for him or her.  YOU are the one he wants.  So just be there.  If you are a good landlord, he'll likely be a great tenant. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

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Tough Love: Puppy vs Baby Advice

Meet my new baby, Annie.  She's a red-headed cockapoo.  She's almost 5 months old.  So far, she's been a fun addition to our family.  I'm so happy to have a baby in the sling again!  She loves it and will stay there for a long time.  She likes to be held and has gotten so much attention in our family.  She's been very social and content to let anyone pick her up and carry her around. 

We had a couple of dogs growing up, but they were outdoor dogs and had rotten behavior.  They weren't allowed to really be a part of the family.  I have never considered myself an animal person -- still don't -- but I am rather enjoying this dog.  I wanted an indoor dog because I think they are typically better behaved.  Plus, we have a pool and not a great backyard for a dog.  I am also grossed out by the fur of an animal that lives outside most of the time, tracking it in the house.

My sister doesn't have any children, and I remember when she held Darcy as a new baby, she was stiff as a board.  She held her arms straight out, totally awkward.  The baby didn't mold to her body.  It was painful to watch!  She had no idea what to do with a baby!  That is how I feel with a puppy.  I have no idea what to do or how to train it.  We got the dog on "class night" and I was asking several couples about different things with the puppy.  Over the course of the week, I have gotten more advice on how to train a puppy!

The conclusion I've come to is that people parent their babies like they do a puppy.  Some of the advice I've gotten this week in regards to the puppy reminds me of things I've heard about parenting a baby. 

*Don't let her sleep in your bed.  It disrupts the pack order.

*Don't let her manipulate you.

*Don't get her out of her crate if she is crying or barking.  She'll eventually like being there.

*She needs to know who is her master.  If she misbehaves, put her on her back and hold her chest until she   stops moving and fighting you.  You want her to be submissive.

*If she pees in the house, put her nose in it and "spank" her, telling her "no!"  Take her outside.

*If she doesn't pee when she is let out of her crate, put her back in and try again in a few minutes.  Keep putting her in the crate until she pees.

*If she doesn't poop where you want her to, move the poop and keep showing her where to go. 

As a non-dog owner up until now, I can safely say that I've seen people treat their animals like their babies or children.  They talk about them like they are their children.  When people are actually talking about their children, they will pipe in about their dog(s).  I've even thought someone was talking about their child one time and was shocked to find that they were referring to their dog.  I've always found this strange, and kind of annoying, to be perfectly honest.

To hear all this advice this week, it's made me think, it's no wonder people parent the way they do!  They have dogs and then along comes a baby and they think it's the same thing!  They don't want to disrupt pack order and won't let the baby sleep in their bed.  They put the baby in their crib (ie. crate), not letting the baby manipulate them by crying and trying to get you to come get them.  "Eventually they will like being there."  I just couldn't stop thinking of all the cry-it-out methods of "sleep training."

I see people swat toddlers hands or bottoms telling them "no!" and then putting them in time out, just like a puppy that peed on the carpet.  We want our children to be independent, but submissive, knowing who is their "master." 

Babies are not like puppies.  There may be similarities in behavior, but the way to deal with them is not the same!  Human babies have the need to be with their mama continuously.  You are your baby's environment (a quote from lactation consultant, Mellanie Sheppard) and they require that constant contact.  A baby cannot manipulate you.  Period.  You will have more confident, independent children if their needs are met by a parent that they trust.  If their needs (physical, mental, and especially emotional) are not met, you will have a misbehaved child.  My 14-year-old is capable of manipulation now, but he was not as a baby, or even as a toddler!  

I am not arguing with how to train a dog -- what do I know?! -- but so many things I've heard reminded me of things I've heard people say about parenting their babies.

*Don't let them sleep in your bed.  They'll never leave. 

*They have to learn to fall asleep on their own.  It's OK to let them cry.

*Don't let them manipulate you by picking them up or holding them all the time.

*Teach them independence.  They need to teach themselves how to fall asleep on their own.

*Swatting and spanking teach them to respect their elders and also right from wrong.

*If they don't behave, put them in time out until they learn.

Love on your baby.  Carry her in a sling as often as possible.  Breastfeed her continuously.  Watch her grow and thrive.  Allow her to sleep next to you and breastfeed throughout the night.  You will have a well-behaved baby, toddler, child.  Their needs are met, they feel loved, they trust you.  They will know that you value them as a human being.  You will have a mutual respect for one another, from one person to another.  

I guess knowing what I know about about babies has made me wonder about all the advice I've gotten this week about the puppy.  When new parents are given this advice about their baby, they believe it.  They follow it, even if it doesn't feel right to them.  My girls, and my husband for-that-matter, have not liked some of the advice we've gotten.  They think it seems mean.  Are they following their instincts?  Should we listen to that, or will we have an ill-behaved dog as a result?  We certainly don't want that!  So, we follow the advice by people who have dogs already, just as new parents follow advice by people who already have children.  That, as we know, is not always the best idea! 

As we try to get to know Annie, we are finding that she has her own little personality.  I guess we'll take bits and pieces of advice we've received, and throw the rest out that doesn't feel right.  We may create our own little hellion in the process and we'll have no one to blame but ourselves. I can't help but think that love and tenderness cannot be a bad thing in raising a baby of any variety.  I hope I'm right on this one!

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Facebook - Why I'm Glad it Wasn't Around When My Kids Were Little

What an exciting week it's been in the land of Facebook!  The natural birth community has been under attack by some very bored women as of late.  I've been thinking about this topic and post for a couple of weeks now, and then with all the drama this week, I decided it was time.

If you read my blog regularly, you know that there is often a bit of controversy surrounding some of my posts.  Some, I understand why, and others, frankly, I've been baffled at the hype. (Like the "My Epidural" Post.  It was shared nearly 500 times!  Seriously?)   A couple of weeks ago I was worked up over something on Facebook -- I don't even remember what now -- and things that snowballed afterwards.  It's all I talked about all week long.  My house fell apart, as I spent literally hours in front of my computer screen or constantly checking my itouch for new "developments."  My husband was ready to freak out, and he's not a freak-out kind of guy!  I just felt consumed with... with... with the topic, with Facebook, my blog. 

It's hard to remember life before Facebook.  In case you haven't realized, I have a highly addictive personality.  I typically don't do things in moderation.  Take my love of Tim McGraw.  This summer I'll be seeing him for the 13th and 14th times.  I won't tell you how much money has been spent on concert tickets and airline tickets traveling to see Tim over the years! (This year I'm traveling to OK and Indianapolis to see him!)   I can't seem to drink just one can of Diet Dr. Pepper or Mountain Dew.  Again, I'll spare you the details.

There have been periods where I have found my life consumed with what my next Facebook status will read.  Do you do that, too?!  Please say yes.  Something funny will happen and I'll think, "I've gotta put this on Facebook."  Or a picture taken.  It really is the weirdest thing.

David took me to Cancun for my 40th birthday in January, and while there, I didn't touch my cell phone and had no internet.  It was bliss!  I read a book -- which I never do unless it's related to childbirth -- and if it weren't for the ending, would have really enjoyed it!  David and I talked about things unrelated to what was happening on the internet and were in the here-and-how.  What a concept.

I guess I've just been thinking lately about how grateful I am that Facebook and blogging were not around when my kids were little.  All my kids are in school now, so Facebook is mostly a time-suck for me.  My kids aren't terribly effected by my time on Facebook.  I constantly wonder how these moms do it that have little kids at home.  Many of them are commenting everywhere all the time.  When I spend a lot of time Facebooking or blogging, my house really does fall apart.  The dishes pile up, dinner doesn't get made, and the laundry doesn't get hung.  I just can't live like that and a mess makes me crazy.

And yet, it's totally addictive.  It's hard to walk away.  I have a couple of friends that took themselves off Facebook for lengthy periods of time, and I must say, I admire their commitment to their families, and their sanity!  Frankly, I don't want to turn off Facebook and blogging.  I enjoy it.  I finally had to limit the blog posts to just one a week, and that has been helpful.  (I usually write it on Saturday or Sunday night after the kids have gone to bed.)  I hope this doesn't sound like a guilt post.  But it has been on my mind lately. I think it should be addressed and talked about.  Are we addicted to Facebook, email, blogs, and texting?  Does it cause us to miss out on the here-and-now?

I am never ever going to win a mom-of-the-year award -- ever -- but we did have fun when the kids were little.  I didn't have a cell phone until the older 3 were all in school.  I wasn't texting or talking to anyone other than them when we left the house.  We didn't have a DVD player in the car - still don't - so the car tends to be where we have always done the most talking.  Our best conversations, and often the most important ones, have taken place while we are driving. 

We did lots of "field trips" and play dates and play groups.  When we were there, we were really there, in the moment.  No one was texting back then and Facebook certainly wasn't around.  In fact, no one had internet on their phone back then.  I was always scared to get a cell phone - I was 34 before I finally got one - because I am fully aware of my addictive personality.  I knew I would like to have one.  In fact, I've made plans to get an iphone next month, and I am scared to death.

I learned to can, or bottle, all sorts of foods when my kids were little.  Salsa, chicken, beans, beef.  That has been an invaluable skill for me and saved my family a lot of money over the years.  (I just canned 75 pounds of chicken during all the snow and ice we had in February.  Again with the moderation!)  I learned to garden (That was in NM "soil," not TX clay!) and the kids helped.

I remember our bedtime routines were lengthy back then.  Maybe it's because there were so many I had to help, but it seems that it went on for about two hours.  Bath, dinner, and LOTS of books.  Again, I probably have that memory because none of the kids were reading yet.  Once the bigger ones could read to the younger ones, I think I enlisted their help!  I regret that now.  I just wonder how many of these memories would have been created if I had so many distractions in my life, pulling me away from my kids.

Recently, we tried enforcing a no-media rule at our house after 7:00 p.m., but it's nearly impossible, unless we actually turn the phones off!  People are constantly texting or calling and it's irresistible to check them.  My husband's phone lets him know every time he gets an email or someone posts to his Wall.  It is constantly buzzing.

A while back, I mentioned on my Facebook page,  my concern over being the first generation of parents having to deal with Facebook.  (Do you appreciate the irony of me linking you to my Banned From Baby Showers Facebook page?)  If we have such a hard time putting it down, it's worse for a teenager!  I do not think it's been a good thing in our children's lives. 

As for the cell phones, I'm not sure why everyone thinks their kid needs one.  We did get our son a cell phone when he started high school, but in a 3-month period he went from 5,000 texts to 10,000 texts to 15,000 texts.  Talk about addicted!  I took the phone away, paid $145 to stop his service, and he will never have a phone on my watch again.  I have no regrets whatsoever.

Back to some of the Facebook happenings this week, I truly am baffled by the amount of time people spend to stalk other Facebook pages.  If you don't like a page, or disagree with someone, don't read it!  I know from experience that when I get worked up over something I don't agree with, it spills over into every aspect of my life.  It is not healthy.  I feel the same way about my stuff.  If I offend you, don't read it!  Or is it like a train wreck and you just can't look away?  While I enjoy your comments and questions, I just can't spend that much time there.  My BFBS Facebook page is a place where current, former, and future students can get information.  I'd like to spend more time there, but I have to limit myself because my regular life demands it. 

This became a lengthy post.  Think of all the things you could have gotten done instead of reading this!  I am sincerely glad for all the time you spend reading my weekly posts.  I believe we've done some good things here and made a difference. 

Facebook, blogging, and texting are not going to go away.  We are always connected -- to everyone, all the time.  I believe it has caused us to be less connected to the people who really matter - our families, our children. Turn off the computer and go spend some time with your kiddos!  I'm going to go can 2 dozens pints of pinto beans before my kids come home from school.

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Leashing Your Kids

Let me preface this post with a controversial statement:  I can't stand animals.  I have no desire to be a pet owner whatsoever, much to the dismay of all three of my girls.  Especially Darcy.  I've never seen a child love animals more than she does.  Now, don't get me wrong, I like going to the zoo just as much as the next mom.  I just don't want to own animals.  I have four children.  That's enough responsibility for me.  I can't even keep a plant alive.

A few weeks back, I posed the question on my Banned From Baby Showers Facebook page, what topics would you like to see on the blog? Several of you asked what I thought of leashing your kids.

So, what is the politically correct response to this question, especially from an advocate of Attachment Parenting?  I'd have to say, surely it is to not leash your child, like you would your dog, right? 

I've written a bit about my life here and I think you've gotten the picture that I was a pretty rowdy teenager.  Definitely a rule breaker.  Apparently I was the same as a toddler.  When I was 18 months old, my dad kept me on a leash every time we went anywhere.  He gave it to me as a gift when I had my own children, only partially joking.

The only time any of my children were leashed was when Vena (#2) was about 18 months old.  We were at "Breakfast on the Plaza" for a 4th of July celebration in my hometown of Santa Fe, NM.  My dad insisted that I put her on my old leash because there were so many people.  I absolutely refused and told him that if he wanted her on a leash, he was going to have to do it.  He got her harnessed up and it lasted, maybe, 5 minutes.  She screamed her head off!  (I thoroughly enjoyed it.)  With everyone staring, he agreed that maybe it wasn't the best idea.  He said that if only I'd started her off that way as soon as she started walking, it would have worked.  Yes, this was the parenting I was raised on.

I have no doubt that my dad was just concerned for Vena's safety, and mine when I was a toddler.   It is a scary thing for any parent to have a small child in a large crowd.  It only takes a split second to lose them. 

As you can imagine, I carried all my babies in a sling and rarely even used a stroller.  When they got older and we were on all-day outings, I would definitely take a stroller too.  But sometimes, let's face it, the kid wants out -- and needs out -- to run around, to stretch their legs.  Obviously, the parents have to watch them every single second and it can be a stressful event.

All kids are so different too.  When my son was about 2, we lost him in a Super Target in Orem, UT.  OK, wait -- David lost him -- I was in a dressing room.  He let him out of the cart "for just a second," and he was gone.  One thing about Daymon, when his feet hit the ground, he was running!  For 10 minutes we had no idea where our son was.  He had made it to the very back of the store when a very nice lady picked him up.  Yadda, yadda, yadda, David learned his lesson!

I read a funny story one time about a mom who was in the front yard with all the neighborhood moms and kids.  Her 2 year old boy took off down the road.  She had a baby on her hip and another one on the way.  She was wearing "the cutest clogs" and had no idea how she was going to chase her son down the road.  She got a great idea and yelled as loud as she could "ETHAN!  ICE!  CREAM!"  Sometimes we have to be resourceful.  Each child is so different and cannot be treated the same as the next.

I think it's really easy to judge a parent that has their child on a leash -- I know I've done it -- but in the end, we don't know the parent's frame of mind at that point.  (Maybe they've lost a child before, maybe she's pregnant and not feeling well, maybe the kid hates the stroller and screams in it, etc.)  There could be a million reasons why they made the decision to use a leash.  Ultimately, if the child is happy (not screaming like Vena was), mom or dad is probably happy, everyone is safe.  I don't really care.  I'd rather see a happy toddler walking around on a leash than a parent trying to keep a child in a stroller, cramming a bottle in his mouth trying to keep him quiet. We've all witnessed that, I'm sure.

One of my former students was at the zoo recently and she sent me a picture of a father holding up a stroller with the child in it to see the animals.  Heaven forbid he should take the child out and actually hold him up to see.  They obviously wanted the child to stay in the stroller.  A leash would have been so much better and have forced the parents to have more interaction with their child.  

So, I don't think this is so cut and dry.  It must offend us because we see it the same way as leashing a dog.  But why do people leash their dogs?  So they don't run away.  It's all the same.  People love their dogs.  People love their children.  They want them to have the freedom to walk, but they also want them to be kept safe.  Besides, the leashes I've seen lately are so cute, like animal backpacks!  Mine was just a rope, like a hanging.

What I'd really like at this point in my life is a leash for my 14-year-old son.  That's another story for another day.

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Recycled: Thoughts of the Birth of Jesus

With Christmas here, I was thinking about Jesus's birth. I was so struck by all the Nativities this year. Jesus is laying on a bed of straw with all around admiring Him. I have a hard time believing that Mary was anxious to lay her baby down. I think she wanted to hold and love and protect her baby -- what an enormous responsibility this new mother had.

I have also become so sensitive to the Christmas songs about the birth of Christ. "Away in a Manger" is a song that I've always enjoyed, but I have to say, surely it is an American-written song, as only in America would we sing, "No crib for a bed." I really don't think Mary thought this was a crisis, but we sing about it as though that is what they would have to have as new parents.

Jesus was a homebirth and I bet his parents were cosleepers!

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BabyWise vs. Attachment Parenting

This topic got brought up in my Bradley class I am currently teaching. I can't stop thinking about it and decided maybe this is a better venue to express my thoughts on this topic.

Most of the people I know, or have known, that have "done" the Baby Wise method of parenting have gotten into it because other couples at their church do it. The people I have encountered have been interesting for me to observe. They tend to watch the clock instead of their baby. For example, baby is fussy, and instead of putting the baby to breast, mom looks at the clock and announces that he shouldn't be hungry yet, not for another 20 minutes! By the time she feeds him, he's hysterical.

I had someone in class explain how the method is actually suppose to work, and I must admit, if I didn't have children, I might think it sounds like it makes a lot of sense. Here's the idea: You want your baby to learn to get good sleep and sleep for longer periods of time, because, like adults, they will learn better, grow better, etc., if they get good rest. They talk about the possibility of developing ADHD and having learning difficulties when the child doesn't get enough rest. (Have you been to Walmart at 10:00 at night and seen all the crying kids and frustrated parents? I'd have to say that I agree -- kids should be in bed when they have school the next day.) You are not to let the baby fall asleep at the breast, but keep the baby awake longer so that he will sleep longer. Baby Wise also does not want baby to always breastfeed to go to sleep.

My favorite part though was not having a baby that is a "snacker." The idea is that if you "let" your baby breastfeed whenever he wants to, he isn't getting "good protein" -- WHAT?! Whoever came up with that has no idea how breastfeeding actually works. Baby gets "good protein" at every nursing, long or short. They advocate for the baby to have "meals" instead of "snacks." Dr. Sears, in The Baby Book, talks about all the different types of nursing babies. Having breastfed 4 babies for more than 7 years of my life, I will tell you that all babies are different. My first did not ever nurse for less than 40 minutes at a time. His little head would sweat like crazy. I'd have about an hour, maybe 1 1/2 hours, before we'd do it all again. He is my healthiest child!

My 2nd baby was finished with nursing five minutes after it began. She would go 3-4 hours between feedings. I could never have made her nurse longer. I would have had a very frustrated baby, not to mention a very frustrated mom. She slept more than any of our other babies. She was the only baby who would not fall asleep nursing. She wanted to be left alone to go to sleep. Sounds like what every parent hopes for, right? Think again. She was not a cuddler. She has been my only child prone to ear infections. She is almost 10 years old and very smart, a very deep thinker. She likes to spend her time alone and has lots of self-soothing techniques that have become very disruptive in her life -- so much so that we are seeking counseling. Don't leave your child to soothe herself. My "squeeky wheels" seem to have more "normal" ways of dealing with life. I don't want to see parents do this type of parenting on purpose.

My other two babies were more in a classic category, as far as breastfeeding.

Some babies, especially newborns, will want to breastfeed every 20 minutes! This is a good thing. You will establish a good milk supply. It is the frequency of breastfeeding, not the duration, that stimulates your milk-producing hormones. So, snacking is great! Babies have very intense sucking needs those first few weeks. This is not a coincidence. It helps establish a good milk supply if your baby is at the breast very often. You absolutely cannot spoil your newborn baby! What will spoil this wonderful relationship is giving your baby a pacifier or bottle. Babies are built to breastfeed and so is the mother! Let yourself enjoy this time by following your baby's cues. He will let you know exactly what he needs if you will listen to him and not some kooky book that tells you your baby needs to teach himself how to go to sleep.

As far as sleeping goes, you cannot force a baby, or anyone, to fall into certain sleep cycles. Sleeping is an absolute basic need. Food, water, sleep, shelter. Honestly, no one needs to be taught how to sleep. Babies have very different sleep cycles from other age groups. A good book to read on this topic is "Sweet Dreams" by Dr. Paul Fleiss.

I was completely obsessed with sleep with my first baby. And then one day, I was trying to make him take a nap, and my aunt said to me, "You know, he will sleep when he's tired. He must not be tired. Let's go play!" This was so freeing to me. He was 3 years old at the time. He quit taking naps shortly after that, but his bedtime was moved to an earlier time. He is such a great sleeper since I quit obsessing over it. He's 12.

We had a big sleep progression over the years. I wish we could have just started with baby #4. We never even set up a crib with her. When we had a crib, we felt obligated to use it. (Dr. Sears tells a story of being in a foreign country and was asked, "Is it true that American mothers put their babies in cages at night?) Yes, it is true.

Let me tell you about sleep with Darcy: I nursed my baby to sleep every time she was sleepy! I would never recommend not doing that. It was stress free. I knew she'd fall asleep and if she didn't, we'd try again later. I knew this was my only time of her life that we would have this opportunity. I loved to nurse my sweet baby to sleep, to smell her milky breath as her mouth opened once sleep came and extra milk ran down the side of her cheek. I never had to pick her up and take her to her bed. Our bed was her bed. I simply laid her down and felt her body mold to mine. Unless you have experienced this closeness to your baby, you just cannot understand or imagine the sweetness. David and I both treasured that time, knowing it is too short.

Darcy was never afraid of sleep. It was a comfortable, safe, warm, happy place to be. What is wrong with nursing your baby to sleep, even every time your baby is tired? Why is this frowned upon in our society? I promised, it will not last forever! You will not create a monster.

Our bed sits high up. We taught her early on how to get off the bed -- "feet first" was a phrase all of our kids learned early on. When she was very small, we would put a monitor on the bed and get there as soon as we heard her wake up.

There were some sleepless nights. Sometimes, she'd be wide awake in the middle of the night and want to talk. Sometimes she'd kick David in the back. Sometimes we slept in the "H" position. This would have happened no matter what bed she was in. It would be very easy to ignore her if she were in another room. Usually, however, she would simply nurse back to sleep. I was her mother in the daytime as well as the nighttime. We have a king-size bed, and really, that is a better investment than a crib.

I hear parents say they are afraid the baby will never leave their bed. Of course they will. When Darcy was about 20 months old, we were trying to get her used to sleeping in another bed in our bedroom. We were going on a Tim McGraw cruise in a few weeks and wanted things to be easier for my mom who would be staying with the children. That was such a stressful time to try to make her sleep somewhere she wasn't comfortable with. After a few weeks of trying, I decided it just wasn't time for her to be out of our bed. What a relief.

She moved into her sisters' bedroom when she was 28 months old. We talked about it beforehand and felt that she was ready. She did not try to come out of the bedroom even one time! Again, sleep was never scary for her. It was an easy transition. She quit breastfeeding around the same time. She'll be 4 in March and is still a great napper, which always takes place on my bed. It's my favorite time of the day to snuggle up with her and feel her breathing sync with mine as we drift off to sleep.

Let's go back to the Baby Wise idea of not letting your baby fall asleep at the breast. First of all, I say this is nearly impossible. There are some major problems with this philosophy. When I am talking with a breastfeeding mom who has a baby that is not gaining weight, the first thing I ask her is, "Who is ending the feedings?" The baby should be the one ending it, usually because he falls asleep! Mom should not be ending it because the longer the baby stays at the breast, the more hindmilk the baby is getting. This is the fat, or "dessert," after dinner. Baby needs this to grow. Second, mom's body produces a hormone called prolactin which the baby also receives during breastfeeding. It is often called "the mothering hormone" because it causes her to be calm, even sleepy. Same effect on baby. Why would any mother not want to have this wonderful hormone surging through her body and her baby? Again, I ask, why is it bad to let your baby fall asleep at the breast?

Follow your baby's cues. Don't be a clock watcher. Don't schedule your baby. Together, you will fall into a natural routine. Routines are great. Schedules, not so much. Think of what is best for your baby. If it's best for your baby, it's most likely best for you too in the long run, even if it seems inconvenient right now.

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"Will The Baby Be in Our Bed Forever?"

When I talk about the benefits of bedsharing in my classes, I get such a mix of expressions. To many, they have never heard of anyone sleeping with their baby. We just don't do that in America! And for those who do, they probably don't talk about it. They certainly didn't start out with the intent of being a bedsharing family. David says that when I start talking about it, it's funny to watch the dads-to-be. He says they are imagining never having sex again! The moms, on the other hand, are imagining sleep! Oh, yes, this could be a good thing!

For the husbands, you will have sex again! Sometimes it will even be in your bed while the baby is soundly sleeping. As the baby grows, you'll find yourselves getting creative. Summer will become the favorite season because you won't be freezing outside the covers when you are having sex in other places in your house!

There will be nights when the baby sleeps in an "H" position, with you and your spouse on either side of the bed and the baby laying comfortably across the bed. I promise, someday you will laugh about it. Generally, everyone will sleep better this way, but you will have a handful of bad nights over the course of bedsharing. (Not nearly as many as those who do not bedshare.)

Some couples have their baby transition onto a pallet on the floor in their bedroom. Instead of bedsharing, you would now be roomsharing. Don't be surprised if your little one crawls up into your bed during the night for a while. It is a gradual process for most children. Don't be afraid to talk to them about what they are ready for. I had a weaning conversation with my third child at the age of 2. They understand! They will definitely let you know if they are not ready. Respect their decision. Encourage them without forcing them before they are ready. It's like potty training -- you can't make them do it. If you do, you will likely cause a rift between you. No one likes to be forced to do anything, even a toddler or preschooler. Simply mention it every couple of weeks. One day, they will just surprise you and announce that they want to sleep in their own bed tonight. You will likely have mixed emotions.






But it sure is nice to be able to have sex in your bed again, especially in the winter!

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Why A Sling?

Using a sling is so much a part of parenting my babies, I honestly do not know how I would survive babyhood, and certainly toddlerhood without one. Dr. William Sears has a saying about carrying your baby in a sling: When your baby is in a sling, he/she becomes a player, not a spectator. I can testify this to be true.

I just cannot get believe, in America, that we are so insistent on carrying our babies around in a car seat everywhere we go. Leave the car seat in the car and carry your baby! What I am advocating is a lifestyle, not just a handy, or comfortable, way to carry your baby when you are at a parade or on a walk.

When your baby is in a sling, it is like recreating the womb. The baby is so comfortable with your walk, the sound of your voice, your heartbeat, and being cozy against you again. I have never put a baby in the sling that didn't like it. I have no problem saying that all babies love a sling. It is about the parents being comfortable with using it. The baby knows how comfortable you are and they will let you know it.

Leave your sling in the car so that you are never caught without it. A lot of parents will keep one in the car and one in the house. If you are able to afford it, this is what I suggest. You truly will have a happier, and I believe, smarter, baby. My friend, Janet, is a great example of wearing her baby, continuously. Her sling goes on in the morning with her outfit and seems to stay there most of the day, whether the baby is in it or not. Her "pouch" is ready for the baby to jump right in. And, literally, her baby is in and out of the sling throughout the day. What a happy and well fed (physically and socially) baby.

You will talk to your baby when they are in a sling. They are right there with you and it would be unnatural to not talk to them. You'll tell them all about the items you are buying at the grocery store. They will be a part of your conversations with other people and feel included, even at a very young age. They will know they are valued.

A baby in a car seat will not be spoken to or have anywhere near this sort of interaction with his mama or with other people as a baby in a sling. Think for a minute about when you have talked to people, strangers or friends, when their baby is in a car seat (grocery cart, living room, etc.). Did you talk to the baby? You might have looked at the baby and even talked about the baby, but did you talk to the baby? Now think about when you have talked with people who have a baby in a sling on their hip. That baby was at the same level as the other people and was most definitely spoken to. They could make eye contact and facial expressions that are hard to ignore.

I have always felt that if I had my sling and an extra diaper, I could go anywhere. It makes parenting easier. The time is so short to carry our babies. I am going through this right now with my youngest. She'll be 4 in March and I feel so sad that my time of being able to physically pick her up and hold her is almost over. It's very emotional. You will not spoil your baby by carrying her "all the time." It will strengthen your relationship and you'll be grateful that you parented your sweet baby this way.

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A Few Thoughts on Attachment Parenting

I have thought so much about Sheri's comments about the book she read that said that for every month you breastfeed your baby past 1 year, the more dependent he/she will become and the harder it will be to wean that child. It has driven me crazy!

My last 2 children were breastfed for 24 months and 28 months, and they are both very outgoing and "independent." One is very mature for her age and can talk to adults and children alike. The other is creative and such a free-spirit. I am so close with both, but they are very comfortable with people and really, well-adjusted individuals, so far in their short lives. They were never purposely "weaned." It was just a natural process that happened. The others were 15 months and 19 months the last time they breastfed -- still respectable amount of time. None of my children are joined at my hip. They all lead pretty normal, healthy childhoods.

When I was born (1971), it was very popular to not breastfeed (I was not breastfed), to let your baby teach herself to fall asleep on her own -- even if that meant crying alone in a dark room, and feeding on a schedule and only then, and even starting solid foods when just a few days old. If you didn't do these things, you were going to spoil your baby. Who would ever want that?

I am a product of that type of parenting. So are my brother and sister. We are all extremely independent, but I don't know how "attached" we were/are. I like to think that now, at 37, I am attached, but it's taken years. My father and I never got along until I was well into my 20's. I would never have gone to him with my problems or questions while I was growing up. If I had a bad dream at night, I was angrily sent back to bed. I don't remember ever crawling into bed with my parents after a bad dream. This really wasn't their fault though. The parenting books generally said the same thing at that time.

So, yes, it fostered independence, but not attachment. Not trust. When I was 16, I was sent to live with my aunt and uncle halfway across the country because I couldn't get along with my parents (really, father). But it was a cycle that started long before my teenage years. Now that is just my story.

Imagine being a small child. No matter how much you love your brothers and sisters, it is your parents that you look to for love, support, comfort, knowledge, trust, and understanding. If you are denied comfort, you learn to not trust.

I don't know about y'all, but I'd rather have my child be attached to me than independent from me. What is wrong with some dependency anyway? What's all the fuss? Are we afraid that they'll never leave the house? They will. And we will be sad. I love to know that I can be dependent on certain people in my life. Interestingly, my aunt and uncle are at the top of that list.

David read this over my shoulder and said he was worried that this would hurt my mom's feelings. I don't know if she'll ever read this, to be honest. This is so not a pity party. I am simply commenting on how parenting philosophies have changed over the years. I've often thought of how I was raised and why I am the way I am. Don't we all? My mom is great. She has always gone above and beyond for me. My mom and I are close and really have always been. My father died 2 years ago, but the last several years were much different than they were growing up. I don't think my dad liked having small children around, and I really don't think he liked having a rebellious teenager daughter! He did much better with adult children!

So, Mom, if you are reading this, I love you! You have always let me be me, even though it has surely driven you insane sometimes. I learned that lesson from you when dealing with my own children. They are their own person and I can't make them be what/who I want them to be. You never did that to me and I am grateful for that.

I've turned this into a therapy session. I apologize. I hope this causes you to ponder your own upbringing, what it means in your life, and how you want to use it in raising your own children.

Be wary of any advice that is not good for baby, but very convenient for the parents. Attach those babies!

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