My experience with Attachment Parenting (AP) has been this: My hairdresser turned me on to Dr. William Sears's Baby Book in 1996. After a couple of months of searching for a sling and finally finding a tie-dyed one, I started wearing my baby (back when no one did this) and sleeping with my baby. I tried to establish trust and a healthy relationship simply by meeting my baby's needs, often before he even knew what he needed. The idea behind Attachment Parenting is that you and your child are, simply, attached. He respects you because you respect him.
My babies never cried themselves to sleep. They nursed. We got better with each baby mostly because we looked at our big kids and realized how fast the time went with the babies. We held them and enjoyed our time of their being little. We also had the advantage of seeing that, yes, they do eventually sleep -- even in their own beds -- and do other things that you can't imagine them doing when you are immersed in the craziness of toddlerhood.
We always did time-outs, which may be controversial in the world of Attachment Parenting. In fact, I'll be real honest. Our time out chair was an old car seat that no one could get out of. (Eventually, Daymon figured out he could just stand up and walk around with it attached to him and at that point, we moved on to taking away privileges, etc!) Time outs lasted however long their age was. For example, 3 years old = 3 minutes of time out. It was very effective. Usually the threat of time out was all that was needed, especially as they got older. I don't remember using timeouts after the age of 5.
Sometimes I totally yelled -- still do -- at my children. They will be the first to tell you that. Often, I was -- and still am -- the one taking the time out! I am, by no means, the perfect parent. I can name lots of people that parent better than I do. I do like to think, however, that I have well-behaved children. Again, not perfect, but pretty darn good.
I've seen a trend over the last several months, under the umbrella of Attachment Parenting, that I would venture to call "permissive parenting," stolen from my friend Shannon's quote on someone's wall this weekend. She summed it up beautifully and I hope she doesn't mind me swiping it off Facebook!
"AP parenting is building a foundation that does last a lifetime. We are teaching our children that we will provide for them in a fundamental and practical way, emotional and practically. This can be done with bottle feeding, but it is not as easily done (it takes a LOT more effort), and the nutritional benefits are lacking.
That being said, it's sad to see the "AP" movement turn into a permissive parenting perspective that undoes much of what attachment parenting practices should do, establishing boundaries in a safe and loving environment."
Yes! This is what I'm talking about! I have seen parents who claim to practice AP let their children run wild, often in places where it is quite disruptive. I will refrain from expanding on that statement.
It is OK to discipline your child and teach them that there are appropriate places to run around and be loud. There is a time and place for everything. But it is OK -- and expected by old people like me! -- that parents will also teach their children how to sit still, be quiet, and listen or play quietly with a book, etc. If parents don't teach them, they will be forced to learn it in school by someone other than their parent. They will be labeled at that point. (A lot of AP parents homeschool and think this is a moot point. It's not. At some point, people will see your child as disruptive, disrespectful, irreverent, and possibly obnoxious.) Parents have a responsibility to teach their children how and when to be quiet!
I also see a lot of AP parents doing things for their children that I believe the children should be doing themselves, or at least learning to do. Picking up after themselves, for example. Occasionally I have people at my house with small children who play with the toys Darcy still has out. (Those days are limited for us, now. Soon they will be gone as she gets older.) It's interesting to watch how parents respond to the toys and the mess their children have made. Some parents will have their child pick them all up, while others will insist on their child helping to pick them up, usually explaining why it's important and respectful to do so (this is AP parenting!). Others will pick up all the toys while their children watch. Where is the lesson in that? Every now and then I have parents (and their children) who don't pick up any of the mess their children make. Don't get me started on that one.
I have to use another comment from a former student of mine that I read on Facebook this week. Again, I hope she doesn't mind me lifting her comment:
"...People may think I'm strict or unreasonable in training my kids to sit at the table and eat, but the reward comes when I can have a lovely dinner date with just my boy and girl. We talk, laugh, and eat, and it's usually quite nice. When he uses the manners we've taught him in dealing with the servers it makes me quite proud. He's such a sweet and grateful boy."
And that about sums it up. I might add that her children are very small. Yes, it is often more effort to correctly practice Attachment Parenting, but the payoff is tremendous.
I've thought a lot lately, as Daymon is approaching his 15th birthday, about Attachment Parenting and its significance it's played in my life as well as my childrens' lives. They do not remember being little -- breastfeeding, cosleeping, or constantly being carried in their sling. Their memories are scattered from when they were little. But, like Shannon said, AP parenting provides a foundation from which to build. A foundation of trust, of boundaries, respect, and growth. We want our children to grow into responsible, independent, trusting, and capable adults.
I look at each of my children, and while they all have different strengths and weaknesses, they have a good foundation. They are civilized and respectful and caring. The foundation is there, even if the memories (of things that were so important and significant to me) are not. When they are driving me crazy, I just reach back into my file and pull out a sweet memory of when they were little. I expect to do that a lot during these teenage years!
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