Confessions of a Former Babywise Advocate

 A few years ago I had a mom in class that asked a lot of questions about Baby Wise vs. Attachment Parenting and it spurred me to write a blog post on the topic.  Fast forward 2 1/2 years and this same mom wants to become a Birth Boot Camp Instructor.  I knew she had "done" Baby Wise with her baby and that is not what Birth Boot Camp teaches.  She came clean and told me her story of scheduling her 1st baby and practicing Attachment Parenting with baby #2.   Thank you, Rachel, for sharing your story here.

"I am writing this post in hopes that I can encourage mothers in the art of mothering. I prepared for my first birth like many moms. Regular prenatal care, vitamin supplementation, proper protein, reading birth books, taking natural childbirth classes, and making a birth plan were all a part of the wonderful anticipation of being a mother for the first time.

We all receive tons of unsolicited advice when expecting, don't we? It may come from family and friends, but some times complete strangers at the check out, checking you out, nodding their head) saying, "So.... when are you due; pretty soon, huh?" I first heard of "Baby Wise" in line at a check out, then from a friend who it to me. I put it on my list to read along with all the other books Donna had us reading for class. 

One thing about me is, my personality lends itself to a schedule.  I like having a game plan and being in control. My mother always motivated me with check lists and it actually worked. I used to put things on the list I had already done, just so I could check them off and see the accomplishments. Yes, I am one of those "A-type" people. This may have been because I was a first born, or because of the influence of my mother who was a first born, or just because that's my God given organized personality. Any how, when seeking a plan for my firstborn, I went ahead and read "Baby Wise" because I had heard a baby needed to be on a schedule.

Our first born daughter was born at home! So, we got the unmedicated, natural birth we had planned for and loved the experience. I remember saying to my husband, directly after birth, "If that is how birth is, than we can have lots more kids!" I had my husband, midwives, their assistants, my doula, and our new baby all in my master bathroom at the time of her birth. I believe there were nine in all.

She latched on to nurse like a pro just after birth. She loved her sling, "The Over the Shoulder Baby Holder". After much research, we decided not to vaccinate at all. My two main goals were to exclusively breastfeed our baby for the first year and to have her sleeping through the night by at least 10 weeks. What was I thinking!!! What I did not know at first was that my two goals were diametrically opposed. I went on believing that if I scheduled her and followed the eat, wake, sleep pattern like what the "Baby Wise" book said, I could have the best of both worlds. "Baby Wise" made us think that if I we were going to be wise parents, we would follow a written schedule.

I live my born-again life with integrity towards God. 1 Corinthians 15:3b-4 "Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures." I believe a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving Jesus Christ. I love my husband and we both wanted to give our daughter the very best. Unfortunately, we were misinformed. 

It is true that a baby can sleep through the night at 8 weeks, can move to a crib in his/her own room at 6 weeks, can be a happy baby, and can nurse well for a while. I know because mine did. If there was ever a "just like the book baby" it was Alayna. Her patterns of eat/wake/sleep were exactly as the book said they would be. When she went "off her schedule," this is what we call now going through growth spurts, teething, or crying. Sadly, we looked in the book to see what to do for her, as if it were an all purpose magical baby users manuel. I hate to say it, but it's true. People stopped me all the time to tell me what a sweet, happy baby she was. They told me she was an easy baby and I was "lucky" to have her sleeping through the night so soon. She was very contented and seemed to be thriving in every way we knew of at that time until she was 7 months old.

I began seeing her demand for more milk and I was not producing enough to satisfy her. Up till then, nursing had been wonderful for us, but I soon realized that her metabolism was geared for large amounts of food at set intervals and that my milk supply was hindered by scheduling. It made my body so rhythmic that it would not let down until a certain time had lapsed. Unlike demand feeding, where a child communicates hunger and mother's milk is always there ready to flow! We were both getting so frustrated. She was hungry and unhappy and I was worried my dreams were vanishing. I went out and bought the best pump I could find. I had never tried a pump before until she was 8 months old. While this did help my supply a little, it turned out to be a big pain. I was nursing my daughter on schedule and tied down to a pump the rest of the time. I began realizing that my 2 goals were not compatible. I wish I had known that exclusive demand feedings at the breast were the most healthy and natural way to go. Sure I was told, but I had not experienced the freedom from a schedule yet.

I shared my frustrations with a close friend who recommended us visit her "Natural Doctor" in Houston, TX. My husband and I prayed about it and decided to get some professional help. We had never been to a Wellness Doctor before. Dr. Hopkins at CWA taught us many things about wellness, healthy eating, nursing, and how our bodies work best eating foods designed for us specifically. I was given whole food supplements to strengthen and richen my milk supply. He taught us and challenged us not to schedule our daughter anymore. In time a demand nursed baby will find his/her own routine that promotes his/her individual health. We prayed some more and chose to put a fresh priority on our baby's optimum health. We quit "Baby Wise" thinking and stepped out in faith to the unknown world of possibilities available through what the book calls, "Attachment Parenting!" My husband and I tried to un-schedule our 10 month old. The most surprising thing happened. I could not, try as I might, to un-schedule her. It was the hardest thing in the world, but I was able to get off the breast pump and go back to just nursing her for another 4 months. Proverbs 13:20 "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise:" I am so thankful for the true wisdom of our Christian Doctor.

It was so impossible to unschedule our scheduled baby. For 8 months out of 10, that schedule had become such a part of her we could not separate the two. I am sad to say, she only knew life through the "glasses" of a schedule. She was quite addicted to it. I mean, if she did not have meals at set times her sugar levels would plummet. With it, came crashing down tears and unrest. If we were away from home during "nap time" she would have a melt down. She seemed to "need" her schedule for weeks and months after we took it away. The regular ups and downs of daily living without a schedule were hard on her at first. It was not until she weaned herself at 14 months (too early for me) that we really saw full improvement in her ability to enjoy life to it's fullest. Who knows how long she may have nursed if we had never introduced a schedule?  Her mood swings went away and her over all health improved by 94% from her first check up with Dr. Hopkins at 10 months old.

I always felt very attached to my baby, but compared to my second born, she was actually too independent.  I would even say, she was unattached emotionally and we didn't even know what we were missing.  I am grateful our 3-year-old has recovered, but we will never have those early years to do over again.

After our second home birth, we talked about how, in some ways, it would be like parenting for the first time all over again. I was looking forward to guilt-free co-sleeping! I loved it and we got better rest than we did following "Baby Wise".  My husband cherished more time with our baby in our bed than I had ever dreamed possible. And because we were doing many things more naturally like demand-feeding, it was easy to go on dates. We were not on a time schedule dependent on when the baby would need to be in bed . 

Hannah nursed exclusively for 12 months and 1 week. Around 13 months we bought a king size bed to accommodate for needed space. I did not want space to be the reason to move her out of our bed before she was ready. She still nurses on demand and loves snuggling in her sling at 18 months old. I had never allowed myself the privilege of napping with my first baby in my bed, so I made up for it with our second. She stayed in our bed at night for over a year and then occasionally on an as-needed basis. She was still in our room in a pack-and-play until one particular night when she motioned "up, up" to the old out-of-use crib in her sister's room. Now that Hannah is 18 months old she sleeps in her own bed in her big sister's room because she wants to do things just liked Alayna. If she is sick and needs to nurse more frequently she knows she is always welcome back with us.

Recognizing that God has called me to function as His agent defines my task as a mother. Ibelieve our culture and "Baby Wise" have reduced parenting to providing care. Parents often see the task in these narrow terms. The child must have food, clothes, a bed and some quality time. In sharp contrast to such a weak view, God has called me to a more profound task than being a care-provider.

Mothering is a pervasive task. It does not end even when we are sleeping. In our homes we need to parent our children in God's behalf. Whether waking, walking, talking, singing, resting, or nursing, I must be involved in helping my children to understand life, herself and her needs from a biblical perspective. The best advice I can leave with you for mothering comes from Deuteronomy 6:5-7 "And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." 

The task God has given me is NOT one that can be conveniently SCHEDULED."