Hubby & I had a major fight (think word fight).. We all have these right?!
Which resulted in me throwing my hands up in despair and deciding kids are going to school, babies to day care at least 1 day per week and I was going to clean my home. Daily. Without kids.
I began making plans in my head... 2 on 1 time, getting and keeping my house clean, kid riding his bike me taking bike trailer with remaining 3 children, having a spotless house daily, having a quiet and silent home, meeting with special people kind of like... A self-bettering-thingy, resting,.. Nar not resting actually.. Just keeping house.
I made the appointment at the school and told the children. They were not impressed!!
I prayed.. Lots.. I wanted all of us to be at peace with school. Including the children.
The day of the meeting kids were excited, making me believe that I was no longer going to be a home school mum. Kids wanted to get dressed into their school uniform... Which we don't have!! And pack their lunch boxes.. Which we do have.. I said no.
It was only 7am and they wanted to get in the car. As I did some morning jobs my insides were in turmoil. As I thought about my day my gut hurt so deeply. I was giving up a huge part of my dream since age 17 (I'm 29), giving up a huge part of myself and my beliefs and who I am defined to be. I felt confused.
I tried to hold it altogether, get on with my jobs and wait til it was time to go. The turmoil got deep then nothing then I swallowed the pain.. I couldn't hold myself up anymore.. I took myself to my room and let my feelings out.. I cried those deep sobs of despair.. I couldn't believe that I was doing this.. Something I had never ever wanted to do and never thought I ever would be doing.Something I have always said I was willing to give up if GOD wanted me to.
I wondered, is this what it feels like when a mother loses a child? Is this what it feels like when a mother discovers her child is terminally Ill? Is this what it feels like to discover something you had always hoped and dreamed of isn't going to happen? Is this what it feels like to discover your partner is leaving or has left? Now I'm not meaning to take away from a mother losing her child but more so the nothing you can do about the circumstances you find yourself in.
Surely nothing could compare to losing a child in comparison to sending your children to school.. I'm talking about giving up my dreams, hopes and identity.
It is not what I want.
I felt like getting in my car and going 'home' as in where I grew up, to the stable carefree environment I spent many years of my life. I felt like I was no longer needed.
We went to the school, met the principle, and had a look around the school and the classrooms the children would be in. I was strong. I was being strong. The principle has been in close contact with my parents-in-law and 4 of hubby's siblings. 2 are currently in the school. When I mentioned who I was she said oh yes of course, now I know where I know the children from (they visit the school without me for school pick ups and assembly's with their Nana).
As we toured through the school I recognized clusters of kids throughout. As we entered my youngest sister-in-law classroom she jumped out of her seat and announced this is my nephews and nieces and gave Amalia the biggest hug and took her back to her seat for a cuddle and to look at her school work.
As I left my spirit was deeply sad and confused. What was I going to do with my life? It seemed so empty, so suddenly lonely.
I drove downtown to do some errands, drove through the carpark, drove straight home and balled my eyes out again.
My mind raced on all these things I could improve to make it that I didn't have to send kids to school. I was so desperate, and so deeply hurting.
I thought about better schedules, fine tuned planning, hiring a cleaner, making kids do more job,..
When hubby got home for lunch, I cried and said I dont wanna send the kids to school and cried some more. He said that I don't have to. Suddenly I was relieved. Peaceful.
And the best part of all?! He has AGREED to help me clean the kitchen after dinner time and encourage (force) the children to help clean the kitchen EVERY NIGHT!!
Already it has happened several times and sure does make the world of difference to me the following day.
5 Things I am Thankful for:
1. NOT having to send kids to school
2. Upgrading children's jobs (as in increasing their skills, or going up a level of skills)
3. Hubby cleaning the kitchen with kids every night
4. Hubby teaching the children through activities
5. Peace
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