Guest Post by Elizabeth McKeown - Author of "In Search of the Perfect Birth"

So many women end up reeling from their births, with something empty inside or a “why me” attitude. It’s not always easy to explain or define. Some cover it up and go along with life anyway, convinced that the problem is themselves. They chastise themselves and don’t question the way things are. Afraid to be ungrateful, some are ashamed to confide their feelings and they keep it inside. And then for those, like me, for whom that is not good enough… we go searching for more.

What was I “in search of”? Answers. Answers why my body didn't work like I thought it would. Why wasn't I a pain warrior in the hospital? Why didn't my baby latch well or take to breastfeeding? Why did I feel so void of raw emotion the instant I became a mother? Why wasn't that the happiest moment in my life? Logically I knew it should be. In my heart, I was like a conductor with no orchestra. Cue the teardrops, I urged. All I felt was hungry (not eating for almost 24 hours) and tired. Some natural birth goddess I turned out to be.

Years later I had still not given up on myself. I believed in myself so much that I decided that if only I weren't strapped down to that hospital bed I could have handled everything well. I was older and wiser, and maybe even tougher than that 21 year old girl I used to be. Homebirth midwives were going to help me have the birth I needed. Only it didn't work out that way. I was overdue. Pressure was on. I experienced a non-consensual membrane sweep. The following day I would give birth. Intense, increased pain in their presence, meconium, and an ambulance ride to the hospital created for me what was my most horrifying life experience yet. My baby and I were alive, but I was shaken. I knew I was not made for this. 

My disappointment and disillusionment surfaced. Bitterness in “natural birth” took the place where confidence in myself once was. I knew I could never give birth again. I wanted no one to give birth again, ever. When I thought of birth, I thought of tsunamis wiping out populations, and tigers tearing animals apart in the jungle. Nature was harsh and cruel and did not care about any of us. I felt like some lonely star wandering the cold, desolate universe. I was on God’s torture table subject only to his whims, suffering comedy and tragedy at random and completely out of my control. 

I was not content to let it end there. Not like that.

My epiphany came and hit me during my third pregnancy. Something was always getting in my way in the other births. What would happen if nothing was standing in my way? There were things I had no say in, people who didn't honor my requests or needs, with the feeling of being vulnerable magnifying every pain. Yes, I do like to be in control of everything. Yes, I do like the idea of going with the flow. There is some balance, or harmony to be stricken, between the randomness of nature and the power in my own hand. I was going to find that balance. My epiphany was that I needed to birth unassisted.

I began researching my needs and found, shockingly, that everything I felt was so specific to me was supported in science. Scientific observation of mammals, the primal birth space, the nature of birth physiology… these were all in tune with what I suspected were my own “preferences“. I flung myself deeper and deeper into research and gave birth undisturbed and unassisted in 2011. Shortly thereafter my book In Search of the Perfect Birth was published. It describes all my birth experiences in detail, the “errors” in each, and the triumph of learning how to trust yourself again after life’s hard lessons. 

I am so glad I never gave up on myself, never subscribed permanently to my own bitterness, and never stopped asking questions. The obsessive pursuit of truth will lead you to scientific and spiritual revelations about yourself of proportions you could never imagine. It is “perfect”. I tell my story so others can find their way out of the suffering, too. 

The Facebook page In Search of the Perfect Birth is dedicated to discussing these topics. The book of the same name is available (among other places) at Amazon and for Kindle.

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Forced Into a Hospital Birth or Unassisted Homebirth

One of my former students-turned-Bradley-Instructor asked me a question this week on Facebook, in light of all the midwifery issues going on in NY.

If Donna Ryan was forced to have a hospital birth, or an unassisted birth, which would she pick? This was my answer.

First, there are many things to consider. I believe in prenatal care. If you choose unassisted birth, you are likely choosing no prenatal care. A Licensed Midwife evaluates each woman and pregnancy and determines if she is a good candidate for homebirth. Most women are.

I know everyone thinks my answer will be a resounding "Yes, go unassisted!" It's not that simple. I believe in having a good midwife at your side, no matter where you are giving birth. Women have the right to a midwife and they have the right to birth where they feel safest. For many women, this is at home, and for many, it is in the hospital. Educate yourself and make the best decision for you and your family.

As far as what is happening in NYC, the problem is that they are shutting down the hospital where most of the out-of-hospital midwives have backup from an OB. In order to be a LM in NYC, you have to have an OB back you up. St. Vincent was a very midwife-friendly hospital, and they have shut their doors. The midwives cannot practice, legally, without that backup. So, they either need to find other OBs to back them, not practice anymore, or do it illegally.

One of my friends birthed a baby at home in ID before it was legal for midwives to practice openly. (It is legal for them to practice in ID now.) There are still a number of states where homebirth is illegal, but midwifery is alive and well. You know the risks as a midwife, but also as a consumer. I just talked with a local midwife this week who is originally from Missouri, where homebirth is illegal. She would love to go home, but she said she's not ready to deal with the risks of practicing illegally. The state of TX has some great laws in place for out-of-hospital midwives.

So my point is, that a woman doesn't really need to be forced into the hospital if she doesn't want to be there. She also doesn't have to choose an unassisted birth as her only other option. I've known women who have jumped state lines. There are midwives that are willing to risk their own hide so that women have access to homebirth.

I will never tell a woman I think she should have her baby unassisted. That is a risky position for me, as a childbirth educator. I do not give medical advice, but I think my opinion is weighed pretty heavily by a lot of my students. If you know me, you know that I am so NOT a fear monger (trust your body, trust in birth), but I've seen strange things happen in labor, birth, and immediate postpartum. Things that I would want a midwife attending to. I know women who have had unassisted births and everything was great, actually with all of them. And I do believe that it will be fine most of the time. I still like to see a midwife by all womens' side, no matter where they are giving birth, and whether they are practicing legally or illegally.

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