A Letter to Grandma-To-Be: All the Things You Want to Say But Can't

A few years ago, I took dinner to a dear friend who had just had her 4th baby.  It was the day she had gotten home from the hospital -- in fact, she had only been home a couple of hours -- and what did I find?  The Grandma sitting on the couch holding the new baby and the mom up, rushing around, helping the other kids get their dinner dished up.  When I left, she walked me to my car, and we had a heart to heart.  She didn't want her mother-in-law to be the one to hold the baby, but she felt so awkward about asking her to trade places.

As so it is with many new moms.  As a childbirth educator, I see so many pregnant women worried about their mother or mother-in-law coming to help after the baby is born.  Since it is so hard for many of these women to say what's in their heart, allow me:


Dear Mom-

I am so excited you will be spending some precious time with us after our baby arrives.  We are committed to letting the baby come on his/her own time, so we hope that waiting time is enjoyable for us all.  Let's make the most of these last few days together before our world is turned upside-down!

We have prepared for the birth by taking classes and we have talked a lot about our hopes for after our baby is here.  Breastfeeding is so important to us both.  In order to establish a good milk supply, I plan on holding my baby and feeding her a lot!  I am so excited for this experience.  I know that you will also want to get in some good bonding time with your new grandbaby, and there will be plenty of times that I'll need your help with that, including when I shower or nap. 

We have discussed what we hope to be able to do ourselves, but also made a list of things that we would happily accept your help with.  Among that list is cooking, shopping, dishes, and general pick-up.  Everyone has told me to "sleep when the baby sleeps", but I know that will be hard for me to look around and see the mess.  I would be so grateful for your help in those early days of helping to keep things straightened around the house so I can enjoy and get to know my new baby.  

Everyone tells me how much the baby will change in the first month and I don't want to miss a thing!  Thank you so much for coming to help us and for respecting our wishes as we embark on this new journey called parenthood.  I love you.

If you have not made a list of how people can help you after the baby is born, do so.  Have a talk between you and your husband too.  Decide who will do what in the first couple of weeks postpartum.  You may not be comfortable with other people doing certain things for you.  For example, I don't want anyone doing my family's laundry.  Weird?  Maybe.  But cook for me, shop for me, do my dishes, mow my lawn -- I can make a list!

Their job in coming to help you when you have a baby is not to actually help with the baby -- it's to help you with housework so you can bond with your baby and recover adequately.  Your emotions will be in overdrive and being able to just focus on the baby will help you transition from pregnancy to being this baby's mother.  Let your mother help you do that, but give her a road map.

You want to cry when she leaves because she was that helpful around your house -- not because your relationship is damaged due to her lack of help at your time of need.  Communication is the key.  I hope this letter is a starting point if this is a difficult topic for you or your husband to approach with your family.  Enjoy your Babymoon!