Last week on the news there was a report about college-aged kids and their desire for praise and compliments being stronger than the desire for sex, drugs, or alcohol. I thought that was so crazy that they craved positive attention so much that it was a driving force in their lives. It got me thinking about what possibly led up to that.
I've had some interesting conversations lately with a friend about this and related subjects. These are some of my thoughts, and I may show my age quite a bit in this post, but I think it's important to have this dialogue in our homes. Do we want to raise our children to be adults that are driven by the outward praise of others to feel good about themselves?
First, when I was a kid, I wasn't really involved in sports. I did ski and I played clarinet. I was a cheerleader in 5th grade. I got good grades, at least until high school. I do not ever remember an awards ceremony for anything. I don't remember my sister getting trophies for sports. We just participated in different things. We either excelled or we sucked. That pretty much determined what we went on to do later. We learned how to fail and how to get over it and move on.
My kids have all played soccer and even when they didn't score a single goal all season, the kids on the team all got a trophy, especially when they were little. I think this is the most ridiculous statement to our children -- "Thanks for participating, and just for doing so, we are giving you a trophy." What does that say to the teams or children that truly excel, the ones that really earned the trophy?
At the risk of sounding like an old person, I see so much laziness in many young people today. My younger kids all have awards ceremonies at the end of the school year. They are very long, as the parents listen to all the awards of all the kids. Some of these awards are truly praiseworthy, and others, frankly, are unbelievably stupid. It's the participation awards that get me. Why are we praising these kids for having the opportunity to participate in an activity?
Right about now is a great time to mention that my children are so far from perfect, and half the time I have no idea what I'm doing as their parent. But I look at so many young people and know that I don't want my children to take what they have for granted. I don't want them to feel like their value or self esteem comes from what other people think of them.
So this leads me to the question, is it a good thing that we are praising them for every little thing they do? Will they ever learn how to deal with criticism? Will they learn how to fail and how to succeed -- both with grace?
This friend I was talking with this week was telling me about a guy that her husband had hired to help him with a project. He was 22 and insisted that he couldn't work at certain times (his girlfriend didn't like it), along with a number of stipulations for his boss! Can you imagine telling your boss all the things you require in order to work for him? He obviously felt "equal" to his boss, even superior.
This leads me to a side discussion concerning informality in our American culture. Children being treated as "little adults." They are not adults. And children calling adults by their first name, in my opinion, is wrong. It does not encourage respect and has a very negative effect on the respect children have for adults, or the lack thereof. I could never have imagined calling my friends' mothers by their first names as a child. That would have been incredibly disrespectful. Even this migration to adding "Miss" in front of a first name, it just shows that we are more lax than we used to be. It puts children and adults on the same level. I understand with close family friends, but I believe it should not extend outside of that. Before we moved to Texas, the schools my children were attending in NM were beginning to start using the "Miss" in front of their names instead of the formal "Mrs." and their last name. I am relieved that our school district is "old-fashioned" and the children are even encouraged to use "ma'am" and "sir."
Since I'm on a roll...
Men don't wear suits to work anymore (OK, my husband does, but many are not required to anymore). My dad would never have allowed his employees to not wear suits to work. He was bothered by the shift to business casual and felt it was a huge mistake. I think he was right. He was a CPA and so is my husband.
People wear jeans to church, like they are going to a BBQ or to the movies. Dressing up shows respect. Respect for our ourselves, our work and for our Lord. Why do we have to be so relaxed about everything in our lives? It spills over into disrespect for the things that really matter.
I also worry about this next generation not being able to communicate. The texting and Facebooking is the main way my 14-year-old son communicates with nearly everyone. We have many conversations about it, but it's hard for him to put it down. I worry about addiction to these devices. It's rude and disrespectful to answer a phone call or text while talking to someone else, and yet, we all do it.
We all have so many distractions demanding our attention all the time. We become consumed with me, me, me. Not just the next generation, but all of us. Fortunately, the older we are, the more we remember how it used to be. This generation doesn't know how it was. It's up to us, the ones who believe that more formality in our culture was a good thing. Respect. Dignity. Thinking outside ourselves. Who's with me? Or is this what turning 40 does to you?
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