Another Old Lady Post -- Featuring Trace Adkins

There's always a couple of things that happen during the week that spark an idea for the weekly blog post.  The first was a question one of my former students posed on her Facebook page about letting her seven-week-old baby cry to sleep.  The other was a conversation with an old friend.

Remember when you were in the grocery store and an older woman stopped you and told you to enjoy your babies while they are little?  One day they will be grown and you'll wonder where the time has gone.  Alisa (yes, the Alisa that sparked my journey towards natural birth) and I were talking about this yesterday -- how we couldn't really grasp what the "old" lady was saying at the time.  But now, well, it's happening.  Neither of us have little babies and toddlers at home at anymore.  They are all in school.

I was telling my 15-year-old this week that if he could just see the big picture, he would probably do things a little differently.  I told him even at 25, I'm not sure I could see it.  At nearly 41, I'm seeing the big picture a bit clearer.

My 50-something-year-old cousin -- a prison guard -- made this comment on his Wall this week:  I remember as a parent, a swat across the butt would get their attention. Now as a grandparent a hug gets their hearts....and mine. I've finally figured out that their hearts are more important than their attention. I guess the old saying is true...by the time you are old enough to be a grandparent, you are mature enough to be a parent.

I'm not quite there yet - thankfully - but I'm seeing what the "old" people are talking about.  When Darcy was still small enough to hold, maybe 3 or so, I told her that one day I wouldn't be able to hold her anymore.  She got real sad and refused to believe that was true.  We went one by one through the other kids and I asked her if she ever sees me carry them.  At the time, the only one taller than me was my son.  The image of me carrying him around made Darcy giggle.  She's tried to stay small, but it's not working out!  She's almost 7 now, and needless to say, I can't carry her anymore.



I have a house with bigger kids now.  Two of my kids are taller than me now.  They all go to sleep on their own and sleep through the night.  They can mostly take care of themselves.  Darcy still needs some help, but it's readily available by other people besides just me.  I can leave the house by myself almost whenever I need to.  Rarely do I have someone sitting on my lap.  I don't get to read to anyone much anymore now that they all can do that on their own.   The slings I carried them in are all tucked neatly away in their baby buckets.



My point?  These phases that we are in -- even the ones that seem like they will last forever -- don't.  They will end.  Every day we make memories and lay a foundation.  Hold your babies.  You cannot spoil them.  I do think you can "spoil" an older child, but that's a story for another day!  A baby's needs and wants are the same thing.

I keep telling myself,  "This too shall pass" with the 15-year-old, but unfortunately, I've got 3 more right behind him!  Ha!  I'll do my best to follow my own advice and love them, enjoy this time, knowing it won't last forever.  I wish the baby phase back -- not sure I'll wish for the teenage years back though!

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The "F" Word

What is the "F" word in birth?  Got your attention?  You're thinking I'm going to start using profanity here, don't you?  OK, I'm not.  My least favorite word that is thrown around in regards to a laboring woman and a new mom is "Failed."

I've heard references here and other places about failing natural birth because they had an epidural or c-section.  I hate to think of a woman starting out motherhood with this forced -- or self-inflicted -- label.

"Failure to Progress" is the second most common reason given for a c-section -- second only to having had a c-section previously. If you have taken my class, you know how I feel about this "diagnosis."  I can't imagine who thought it was a good idea to tell a woman she "failed to progress."  What was the thought process, who agreed it was a good name, and why on earth do we keep calling it this?!   I don't really believe that it even exists.  I believe that what it really means is: 
1) You did not dilate on our time-clock and your time is out;
2) This induction has failed but we are in too deep at this point and you are expecting a baby out of this ordeal, so we'll throw the blame back on you by telling you that you failed to progress;
3) We might even throw in a CPD diagnosis (the your-baby-is-too-big phenomenon) for good measure;  
4) This is not the Olive Garden -- you cannot sit at this table all night.  The lobby is full and your table is needed.  The servers only have 3 tables and they need to make money.  They can't do that if you occupy this table for their entire shift.

There are many things that contribute to labor taking a long time, but that is not really the point of this post.  Suffice to say,  if a woman is treated respectfully and with encouragement and patience, with care providers trying to get to the root of the "problem," we would have more women birthing their babies vaginally.  

For the sake of this post, let's say that the first-time mom, recovering from a "failed-to-progress" c-section is now trying to breastfeed her baby.  Is she confident that her body is going to produce milk for her baby?  Her body just "failed" her in childbirth, so why should she expect any different from breastfeeding?  It may not even be a conscious thought, but the subconscious is very powerful.  Women who have a c-section are only half as likely to breastfeed their babies as women who birth vaginally.

I believe that people who get information, practice their childbirth method of choice (no matter what that may be), choose their care providers carefully, hire a doula, and basically put their ducks in a row, stack the odds in their favor.  Things might not go as planned, but you did what was necessary on the front end.

I may have told this story before, but indulge me -- now's a great time to bring it out again.  After my friend Jenni gave birth to her first baby (without pain medication), her baby was very lethargic.  She simply could not get the baby to latch on for hours.  There was so much pressure in the hospital to either get the baby to latch or to give the baby a bottle of formula.  She was pretty upset because she really wanted to breastfeed.  We were on the phone (I was in Albuquerque and she was in Salt Lake) and she made a comment about "one out of two wasn't bad."  She had had her natural birth, but just wasn't going to be able to breastfeed.  I told her if she was going to choose one of the two, it should have been breastfeeding.  Her response?  A very hoarse, "Now you tell me!"  Jenni went on to breastfeed her baby for 19 months.

So, yes, birth is so very important, but it is also a few hours of your entire life.  (It's hard for me to say those words, as you can imagine.)  If a mom is so upset about the birth, breastfeeding can be a lifeline for her and her baby.  The Pregnancy Edition of Mothering magazine just had a great article on this topic.  Those hours you will spend breastfeeding and holding your baby are gold.  Wearing your baby, holding your baby, sleeping side by side, getting to know his/her cues.  The kind of parent you become to your child -- this is what ultimately matters.

I am getting off on a tangent.  Coming back to the "F" word -- Ladies, let's not beat ourselves up!  Let's just remove the "F" word from our vocabulary, shall we?  It has no place in our lives.  It's impossible to build self-esteem in ourselves or our children when this word is a part of our lives.   I can't think of a single good reason to use the word "failure" or "failed."  For the record, I would never tell any of my students they "failed" if they had an epidural or c-section.  That is the absolute last thing I would ever want them to think or believe about themselves.  Motherhood is hard enough without being called the "F" word.

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The Sense of Smell Connects Babies and Mothers

When Vena (#2) was born, she was immediately placed on my chest where she remained for 2 hours, breastfeeding like a champ. We were skin to skin and eye to eye. It was an amazing period of bonding. We remained together for most of the day and took her home that same night.

After a few days, I started to notice that in the morning after I showered, she absolutely refused to breastfeed. She would cry and hardly even wanted me to hold her. It broke my heart, but it was the only time of the day she would act like that. As I put the pieces together, I realized that I smelled different after I showered and maybe that is what angered her.

From there on, I would be sure she was well-fed before I showered so that I could start to smell like myself before she would be ready to nurse again. The experience was quite funny, but I've always known that babies know not only their mothers voice and face, but also her smell.

Mothering Magazine had a great article this issue about this exact topic. I just wanted to relay a few key points that I found fascinating. If you've read anything I've written about those first couple of hours after your baby's birth, you know how strongly I feel about you and your baby remaining together.

Did you know that your baby can smell amniotic fluid for up to a week after its birth? This is (another) good reason to place your baby skin to skin after its birth. It transfers from the baby to its mothers breasts and the baby is naturally attracted to the smell. This becomes a good reason not to bathe the baby or mother too soon.

If unmedicated babies are placed on their mother's chest after birth, they will crawl to the breast and begin to breastfeed. Experiments have been done with smell preference of the breast, and babies consistently prefer the unwashed breast over the washed breast. A breast with amniotic fluid odor is even more enticing than a "plain" breast.

In other studies, babies placed in a bassinet with a breast pad with his mother's breast odor, will "crawl" towards that pad over a clean pad.

Even formula-fed babies prefer the smell of breastmilk. A recent study in Japan was trying to find the effects of breastmilk odor and babies response to the pain of a routine heelstick test. There were four different groups -- 1) exposed to the smell of their own mother's milk, 2) another mother's milk, 3) formula milk, 4) no scent at all. Their responses were monitored and, no surprise, the babies who were exposed to the scent of their own mother's breastmilk had significantly less crying and other signs of distress. Baby's cortisol levels were also checked before and after the heelstick, and babies not provided with any scent experienced increased coritsol levels. Babies who were exposed to their mother's scent experienced stable levels.

What about mothers and the smell of her infant? One of the most magical, intoxicating things I love about having a newborn, is the smell of their breath and their head. Watch a mother holding her baby for a few minutes, and she will inevitably smell her baby's head. Rubbing my check against the check of my newborn... I can't hardly stand to write about it. I feel my heart rate increase and tears come to my eyes. Oh, how I miss that! We just don't do that with our big kids. They wouldn't stand for it! Plus, they don't smell so good anymore!

Within six days after giving birth, a mother can smell the difference between an article of clothing worn by her baby and that worn by another baby. Along those same lines, blindfolded women can tell which baby is theirs when they smell the heads of three different newborns.

I wasn't breastfed, but I do remember, as a small child, laying next to my mother for a nap and her distinct smell. Smell can take us back in time. I have an old trunk that belonged to my grandmother who died when I was almost 6 years old. When I open it, I am standing in her old log cabin in Southern Illinois. I hope this sense of smell will remind our children, even when they are grown, of where they come from and who loves them most.

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