Conversations in the Car

We are on a road-trip vacation, which I love.  I adore riding in the car.  If I am driving, I'm singing, though not well..  Sadly, we accidentally left town without any of our traveling music.  I wanted David to turn around 10 minutes down the road to get our Nancy Griffith CDs, but he refused.  So, we are driving a total of about 40 hours with nothing but Tim McGraw to listen to!  Needless to say, Darcy and I are the only ones OK with this!

 River Trail bridge in Little Rock, AR

Background on this post:  I didn't get a cell phone till I was 34.  In fact, I was pretty anti-cell phone before that.  Full disclosure -  I am a phone junkie.  If there is one nearby, I'm probably on it.  I knew if I had a cell phone, I'd never talk to my kids in the car again!  Looking back, I'm grateful I didn't have one.  Today, I try to be conscious of using the phone when they are in the car, especially when they first get in the car, like after school or a party.

Some of our most important conversations have taken place in the car. Everyone is buckled in and trapped.  It's a captive audience and I try to be one as well when they are talking.  It's where we talk about what happens at school, in the halls, recess, and how they feel about those things.  Lots of tears are shed in the car.  Lots of thoughts and feelings shared.  But it's also where a lot of laughter takes place.

I don't know what it is about the car.  You aren't necessarily looking each other in the eye, but often out the window.  It's easier to talk that way, sometimes.

I have learned something important over the years too -- kids talk about their day right after it happens, as they leave the building.  I don't know if they rode the bus if I'd hear as much as I do.  Now that my son drives, I rarely hear about his day.  By the time he gets home, he's on to other things.

On our drive this week, we had a wonderful conversation in the car with those that weren't plugged in to a device - literally.  I asked everyone about their thoughts and feelings about July 4th, which day we happen to be driving.  It was a great opportunity to not only share our feelings about the day (I don't think we would have on a normal 4th), but also to hear their thoughts.

I've learned that it's easier, not only for the kids, but often for me, to express my thoughts and feelings in the car while driving.  The key to to unplug and take advantage of the situation, even if it's only for 5 minutes here and there.  I notice that most of the parents are on the phone when their kids get in the car after school. They are missing an awesome opportunity for communication - one that may not happen as the day continues.  I've missed my fair share, for sure, and it's a very conscious effort to be off the phone when I'm in the car with my kids.

The experience this week reminded me of the importance of car rides and car conversations.  From Indiana, happy driving!

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Oxytocin Decreases as Age Increases?

So, I'm in my hairdresser's chair and she tells me that she read somewhere that some hormone, or something, that is really strong when women are young decreases as they get older.  (She's about 10 years older than me and her kids are grown.)  As we keep talking - she keeps calling it serotonin, but I looked it up and can't find anything like that - I decide she must be talking about oxytocin. 

Follow me here:  She was talking about when you are young, having babies, you nurture them, hold them, are so full of love, you might burst.  They are the center of your universe.  Yes, I'm with her.

Then she started talking about as they grow older, they are people that you are living with, trying to guide and set on a good path.  She said by the time they are 18, those levels of "oxytocin" have decreased significantly and you are pushing them out the door!

When my babies were little, I couldn't imagine them leaving home or ever living in separate houses, let alone in separate states!  Now, with the oldest a junior in high school, I have moments of panic, thinking, "What if he goes to a local college and wants to live at home?"  Only slightly joking.  Seriously, if these levels stayed high, how could we ever let our children go live lives of their own? 

I know of several families recently that have gone through divorce.  They all have several children.  The reason I am mentioning it is because in all of these families, the dads are the ones who are the main caretakers now.  I find it perplexing and definitely not the stereotype of the mom keeping the kids.  All of the moms are near or over 40.  Maybe there is something to this...

With that being said, I'm not one looking for an excuse to make, in my opinion, bad choices.  However, I must admit, personally, at almost 42 (the end of this month), I feel less... nurturing.  There's honesty for you.  If I had a baby tomorrow, would those levels of oxytocin surge?  I certainly hope so.  Don't worry - that ain't happening!  But with my baby at almost 8 and a house full of teenagers, I definitely don't feel oxytocin gushing love from every pore!  They were so easy to love as babies - snuggling, reading books, singing songs, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing.  Finding different ways to express love to each growing child can be challenging.

My husband, on the other hand, is much more loving and patient with the children now than when they were little.  I find it an interesting.

Every now and then I have a mom come through class who is much older, like closer to my age.  Often, they seem to have a harder time adjusting to motherhood than the younger moms.  Granted, if I was "single" without children for that many years, I feel it would be hard to adjust.  For the sake of discussion, is it possible these levels really do diminish and that contributes to things being more difficult for the "older" mother?  The flip side is that she might have the maturity and patience to handle being a mother more-so than when she was younger.

I have a sister that has never had or wanted children.  She seems to not have a nurturing bone in her body.  She might actually read this, or one of her friends might, and I think they'd all agree.  Is it possible that her oxytocin levels are so low, that contributed to not ever wanting children?

I admit, I haven't looked this up.  I've done no research on this topic.  This post stems from a conversation at the beauty shop.  But there were parts of it than rang true to me.  I thought I might throw it out there and see what y'all thought.  Think of your own mothers.  And, I guess, in some cases, try to do better.  Find new ways to love your babies, even when they can't sit in your lap anymore.

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Her First Period

When I was in 3rd grade, I read Judy Blume's "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret" and became obsessed with getting my first period.  Unfortunately, I had another 4 long years to wait.  It happened at church on a Sunday night in late October of 7th grade.  It was the best day of my life.  My mom took me to the store for pads and told me I was now a woman.  Wow.  From a girl to a woman just like that.

At almost 42, I can tell a big shift in my cycles.  Two days and I'm done.  My two oldest daughters have both started in the last year.  One was excited (then 7th grader) and the other, not-so-much (almost 6th grader).  They both knew about it, but you never really know what to expect until it happens.

I asked the question this week on my Banned From Baby Showers Facebook page if women remember the exact date they first started and if they were happy or upset.  I've thought a lot about the answers this week and wanted to talk about it a bit here.  Here is a sampling of the responses:

I was scared out of my mind!! My mother never told me anything and I had major cramping as a teenager. I literally thought I was dying!

I remember it was August and I was 14 1/2. I was a late bloomer and embarrassed that my mom told EVERYONE! My dad hugged me and said that his little girl was becoming a woman. I had people from out of state calling me. I was so upset.

Dec 1st, 7th grade. It was a good day. Both of my parents made me feel very special. Took me out to dinner to celebrate.

I don't remember the day but it was just before my 10th birthday and it was a Saturday. My mom was sleeping in and I got up to pee and made my discovery. My mom is not a nice person when she wakes up, but on that day when I woke her up to tell her what was going on she shot out of bed, got me what I needed, and went on and on congratulating me on my entrance into womanhood, she treated me like a queen and called me a "woman." It was a really good day.

May 12 1996, I was excited but embarrassed to tell my mom who never told me what was going on. She was red in the face while standing at the store trying to pick out pads.

My Mother was on the phone with some relative and she proceeded to blather the news out to everyone she could, despite the fact that pieces of my soul were crumbling into ashes. Because of this, my sister told me vs. our Mom when hers came, so she wouldn't call people and tell them.  I was so ANGRY that day. I felt ashamed and betrayed by my body and full of the sort of powerless rage that I'd never experianced before or after. I just HATED my body for doing that to me. I was a couple months shy of turning 11. I was too young.  It was horrendous. Not a good memory, sorry.    

I was in 7th grade and cried... I didn't want my childhood to end. I was mad that I was becoming grown up. Or so I thought in 7th grade. Plus my mom is not great with that stuff and we didn't really talk about it. My dad was much better about it. Still not a great day in my life.

I was eleven and mum was so happy she rented a movie and bought pizza.

I got mine Sept. 9th.  My mother had explained it to me but never actually mentioned blood. I knew I would get my period. I knew it meant I could become pregnant etc...I came home from school feeling awful and went to the bathroom. There was BLOOD!!!! I had watched enough episodes of Emergency - yes, dating myself - to know that internal bleeding meant I was going to DIE! After my mother got me to stop screaming, she found it all very amusing - I did not.

Thursday, May 12, in 6th grade. I've always said that nothing ever happens on Friday the 13th. It's Thursday the 12th that will get ya.

I was 12. I woke up and used the bathroom and saw blood in my underwear. It was long-awaited because I had an older sister who had it. I was so excited!!

Summer camp and completely uninformed and unprepared. Totally terrible.

13 years old. I was home in bed, with strep throat. My mom sat down on the steps of our house and cried, "My baby's growing up!"

Now that I'm older I appreciate my body and the miracle of motherhood, but I pray that all my girls are much older and more prepared when they first start.

I do remember my first cycle. My mom had just moved out so it was just my dad & I. I woke up several times that night with horrible cramps, was in & out of the bathroom thinking maybe I had to have a bowel movement....  By the morning I knew what was going on (it was pretty much like labor in that way).  My father had heard me all night getting up & down & had a pretty good idea of what was happening, poor guy. He ran out that morning & picked me up some pads & let me stay home from school!  Major props to my father for taking care of me in what must have been a very awkward situation for him. I was 15.       

I was mortified, but she (mom) was all happy and wanted to take me out to lunch. And I told her I didn't want lunch or to ever talk about it again. Also, to make sure no one said anything to me about it. And that was that.

I couldn't wait to get my period until I got it. As soon as I saw the blood, I thought "Oh no." Darn you Judy Blume and your romanticizing of it!

September 11th 2001. Yep. I was 14, my mother was in the states (we live in Canada) so it was a bad day. We didn't know where she was, couldn't get a hold of her, not to mention. I couldn't talk to my dad about these things so I was very embarrassed and just kept it a secret, luckily my mom had prepared me well so I knew what to do but I just needed my mom!  I had really bad cramps, was really emotional and on top of that scared about 9-11. When my mom came home a week later she walked into my room at midnight, I remember so clearly... before bed I had done my own laundry because I was embarrassed my dad would find out, so I had them folded by my bed... when she walked into the room I was half asleep and I said 'Mom!" and pointed at my clothes (like that explains it) and first she was like 'What? I dont get it.. What? You did the laundry? Wow you never do laundry.. WAIT!" and she knew just like that. 


A few final thoughts...
As embarrassing as it may be for you as the mother, remember how you felt -- or were made to feel -- when you first started.   If you think it is the most awful week of the month, don't tell your daughter(s) that.  She'll come to expect it.  It's just like birth - if you hear enough awful stories, you'll think that is what it is like for everyone.  It's terrible to think of a young girl scared of what is happening to her and the adults in her life are not helpful.  

While a menstrual cycle may be inconvenient and even uncomfortable, it is a sign that your body is working right.  It is an honor to be a woman and having a period each month reminds us of the sacredness of our bodies.  Arm her with the facts, but more importantly, empower her with the joy of growing older, into a lovely young woman whose body can and will do amazing things.  

      

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Bullying On the Playground of Life

I started writing this post months ago when my then-7th grader was being bullied by a girl half her size.  This girl at school was doing things like cutting pieces of Vena's hair, taking her shoes and throwing them across the classroom, throwing her homework in the trash, and berating my daughter every chance she got.

I've had another kid boss one of my girls to give her answers to her homework and then turn the other girls on her, telling them not to play with Abby.

My son had his share of problems when he was little, but figured out pretty early on how to deal with it.    As a junior in high school, he has a section leader (band) that he's had a hard time dealing with this semester, however.  The guy even pushed him and has been verbally abusive.  Daymon has just had to ignore him and stay out of his way.  It's really affected how he feels about band this year.

My youngest doesn't like to take treats in her school lunches because there's a girl who always takes them from her.

So, like most families, we have this constant conversation at our house about what is acceptable behavior and what is not.  The whole "treat others as you want to be treated" just doesn't pan out sometimes.  You can be the nicest person on the planet and sometimes people are just jerks.

We have noticed a theme with children that bully:  they are either only-children or they have a dysfunctional family life.  With the first category, I realize that all only-children are not bullies, but several of the bullies in our life have been.  They have been poor communicators and do not have conflict resolution skills.  They often get whatever they want at home and make fun of my kids who have to share the majority of what they have.  (I'm so sick of "Why can't I have my own iPad like fill-in-the-blank?")

The second category is more difficult.  These are the kids you would normally feel sorry for if they weren't such brats.  They are likely bullied at home by either their parents or older siblings.  This may be a rough analogy, but my favorite show is "Criminal Minds" on CBS.  By the end of the program, I find myself feeling sorry for the "unsub" because his childhood was so rough, it's no wonder he became a sociopath. And yet, he's despicable for all the bad things he did.  That's how I feel about some of these kids.

People who are bullied do become adults.  If they never learn to stand up for themselves, they either keep being bullied or become angry, depressed, or resentful.   I hope all children who are bullied are able to grow up, find their voice, and realize that the problem lies with the bully, not with the one who is bullied. They have to have people in their lives who tell them they are awesome though -- people who boost them up and help them see their worth.

My 11-year-old says, "You never lose a friend, you just figure out who the real ones are."  She's so smart.  She has awesome self-esteem and is still often treated awfully by some of the girls at school. She is able to let it roll off her though.  I am so proud of her and her maturity in dealing with these snotty girls.

So what about those girls on the playground that made other girls do what they wanted them to?  The ones who said that if you were friends with someone they didn't like, they wouldn't be friends with you?  We all dealt with that as kids!  Not much changes as adults, apparently.  Not long ago, I was told what Facebook pages I should and shouldn't "like"! I also know adults that have literally been told who they can and cannot be friends with by their supposed friends.  Can you imagine an adult telling another adult who they can and can't be friends with?!
   

I believe this topic is so relevant in our lives, no matter our age or the age of our children, or even our parents. Why do people like to boss other people?  It must make them feel powerful where they feel powerless in other areas of their lives.  They have to manipulate others because they have no control over their lives, compulsions, or addictions.  It's like the abusive husband that makes his wife think it's her fault he keeps hitting her.  She keeps coming back apologizing because she shouldn't have worn that dress, or made that expression, or said what she thought.  She deserved to be punched -- physically or verbally -- or so he makes her believe.

This translates over to birth.  Women are bullied into cesarean birth like never before.  They are bullied by doctors, nurses, friends, mothers, etc.   They may want an entirely different birth but don't want to disappoint the people around them.  They lack the self esteem to say "NO!  This is my life, my baby, and my body.  I will make my own decisions, like I expect you to make your own decisions.  I'm not telling you how to live your life -- please give me the same respect."

This all boils down to self-esteem.  If you are bullied, you lack the self-esteem to say STOP!  If you are a bully, your lack of self-esteem is evident because knocking others down makes you feel better about yourself.

I've worked with hundreds of women over the years and I believe many of them would make different choices in many areas of their lives if they had good self-esteem.  In the few months since starting training women as natural childbirth educators, it's been amazing to work with women and seeing them develop confidence in themselves.  It has been awesome!

Winston Churchill once stated, "Do your worst - we'll do our best."  I never want to be known as a bully, but rather someone who lifted people up and helped them become better people, reaching their full potential.  I want my children to be better than me.  I want the instructors I am training for Birth Boot Camp to be better than me.

If you are being bullied, you are worth so much more!  If it's too hard to stand up to the bullies, walk away from them.  Don't crawl back.  It's better to stand alone than to let yourself be put under by someone who wants to control you.   Like my very wise daughter says, "You never lose a friend - you figure out who the real ones are."

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Confessions of a Former Babywise Advocate

 A few years ago I had a mom in class that asked a lot of questions about Baby Wise vs. Attachment Parenting and it spurred me to write a blog post on the topic.  Fast forward 2 1/2 years and this same mom wants to become a Birth Boot Camp Instructor.  I knew she had "done" Baby Wise with her baby and that is not what Birth Boot Camp teaches.  She came clean and told me her story of scheduling her 1st baby and practicing Attachment Parenting with baby #2.   Thank you, Rachel, for sharing your story here.

"I am writing this post in hopes that I can encourage mothers in the art of mothering. I prepared for my first birth like many moms. Regular prenatal care, vitamin supplementation, proper protein, reading birth books, taking natural childbirth classes, and making a birth plan were all a part of the wonderful anticipation of being a mother for the first time.

We all receive tons of unsolicited advice when expecting, don't we? It may come from family and friends, but some times complete strangers at the check out, checking you out, nodding their head) saying, "So.... when are you due; pretty soon, huh?" I first heard of "Baby Wise" in line at a check out, then from a friend who it to me. I put it on my list to read along with all the other books Donna had us reading for class. 

One thing about me is, my personality lends itself to a schedule.  I like having a game plan and being in control. My mother always motivated me with check lists and it actually worked. I used to put things on the list I had already done, just so I could check them off and see the accomplishments. Yes, I am one of those "A-type" people. This may have been because I was a first born, or because of the influence of my mother who was a first born, or just because that's my God given organized personality. Any how, when seeking a plan for my firstborn, I went ahead and read "Baby Wise" because I had heard a baby needed to be on a schedule.

Our first born daughter was born at home! So, we got the unmedicated, natural birth we had planned for and loved the experience. I remember saying to my husband, directly after birth, "If that is how birth is, than we can have lots more kids!" I had my husband, midwives, their assistants, my doula, and our new baby all in my master bathroom at the time of her birth. I believe there were nine in all.

She latched on to nurse like a pro just after birth. She loved her sling, "The Over the Shoulder Baby Holder". After much research, we decided not to vaccinate at all. My two main goals were to exclusively breastfeed our baby for the first year and to have her sleeping through the night by at least 10 weeks. What was I thinking!!! What I did not know at first was that my two goals were diametrically opposed. I went on believing that if I scheduled her and followed the eat, wake, sleep pattern like what the "Baby Wise" book said, I could have the best of both worlds. "Baby Wise" made us think that if I we were going to be wise parents, we would follow a written schedule.

I live my born-again life with integrity towards God. 1 Corinthians 15:3b-4 "Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures." I believe a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving Jesus Christ. I love my husband and we both wanted to give our daughter the very best. Unfortunately, we were misinformed. 

It is true that a baby can sleep through the night at 8 weeks, can move to a crib in his/her own room at 6 weeks, can be a happy baby, and can nurse well for a while. I know because mine did. If there was ever a "just like the book baby" it was Alayna. Her patterns of eat/wake/sleep were exactly as the book said they would be. When she went "off her schedule," this is what we call now going through growth spurts, teething, or crying. Sadly, we looked in the book to see what to do for her, as if it were an all purpose magical baby users manuel. I hate to say it, but it's true. People stopped me all the time to tell me what a sweet, happy baby she was. They told me she was an easy baby and I was "lucky" to have her sleeping through the night so soon. She was very contented and seemed to be thriving in every way we knew of at that time until she was 7 months old.

I began seeing her demand for more milk and I was not producing enough to satisfy her. Up till then, nursing had been wonderful for us, but I soon realized that her metabolism was geared for large amounts of food at set intervals and that my milk supply was hindered by scheduling. It made my body so rhythmic that it would not let down until a certain time had lapsed. Unlike demand feeding, where a child communicates hunger and mother's milk is always there ready to flow! We were both getting so frustrated. She was hungry and unhappy and I was worried my dreams were vanishing. I went out and bought the best pump I could find. I had never tried a pump before until she was 8 months old. While this did help my supply a little, it turned out to be a big pain. I was nursing my daughter on schedule and tied down to a pump the rest of the time. I began realizing that my 2 goals were not compatible. I wish I had known that exclusive demand feedings at the breast were the most healthy and natural way to go. Sure I was told, but I had not experienced the freedom from a schedule yet.

I shared my frustrations with a close friend who recommended us visit her "Natural Doctor" in Houston, TX. My husband and I prayed about it and decided to get some professional help. We had never been to a Wellness Doctor before. Dr. Hopkins at CWA taught us many things about wellness, healthy eating, nursing, and how our bodies work best eating foods designed for us specifically. I was given whole food supplements to strengthen and richen my milk supply. He taught us and challenged us not to schedule our daughter anymore. In time a demand nursed baby will find his/her own routine that promotes his/her individual health. We prayed some more and chose to put a fresh priority on our baby's optimum health. We quit "Baby Wise" thinking and stepped out in faith to the unknown world of possibilities available through what the book calls, "Attachment Parenting!" My husband and I tried to un-schedule our 10 month old. The most surprising thing happened. I could not, try as I might, to un-schedule her. It was the hardest thing in the world, but I was able to get off the breast pump and go back to just nursing her for another 4 months. Proverbs 13:20 "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise:" I am so thankful for the true wisdom of our Christian Doctor.

It was so impossible to unschedule our scheduled baby. For 8 months out of 10, that schedule had become such a part of her we could not separate the two. I am sad to say, she only knew life through the "glasses" of a schedule. She was quite addicted to it. I mean, if she did not have meals at set times her sugar levels would plummet. With it, came crashing down tears and unrest. If we were away from home during "nap time" she would have a melt down. She seemed to "need" her schedule for weeks and months after we took it away. The regular ups and downs of daily living without a schedule were hard on her at first. It was not until she weaned herself at 14 months (too early for me) that we really saw full improvement in her ability to enjoy life to it's fullest. Who knows how long she may have nursed if we had never introduced a schedule?  Her mood swings went away and her over all health improved by 94% from her first check up with Dr. Hopkins at 10 months old.

I always felt very attached to my baby, but compared to my second born, she was actually too independent.  I would even say, she was unattached emotionally and we didn't even know what we were missing.  I am grateful our 3-year-old has recovered, but we will never have those early years to do over again.

After our second home birth, we talked about how, in some ways, it would be like parenting for the first time all over again. I was looking forward to guilt-free co-sleeping! I loved it and we got better rest than we did following "Baby Wise".  My husband cherished more time with our baby in our bed than I had ever dreamed possible. And because we were doing many things more naturally like demand-feeding, it was easy to go on dates. We were not on a time schedule dependent on when the baby would need to be in bed . 

Hannah nursed exclusively for 12 months and 1 week. Around 13 months we bought a king size bed to accommodate for needed space. I did not want space to be the reason to move her out of our bed before she was ready. She still nurses on demand and loves snuggling in her sling at 18 months old. I had never allowed myself the privilege of napping with my first baby in my bed, so I made up for it with our second. She stayed in our bed at night for over a year and then occasionally on an as-needed basis. She was still in our room in a pack-and-play until one particular night when she motioned "up, up" to the old out-of-use crib in her sister's room. Now that Hannah is 18 months old she sleeps in her own bed in her big sister's room because she wants to do things just liked Alayna. If she is sick and needs to nurse more frequently she knows she is always welcome back with us.

Recognizing that God has called me to function as His agent defines my task as a mother. Ibelieve our culture and "Baby Wise" have reduced parenting to providing care. Parents often see the task in these narrow terms. The child must have food, clothes, a bed and some quality time. In sharp contrast to such a weak view, God has called me to a more profound task than being a care-provider.

Mothering is a pervasive task. It does not end even when we are sleeping. In our homes we need to parent our children in God's behalf. Whether waking, walking, talking, singing, resting, or nursing, I must be involved in helping my children to understand life, herself and her needs from a biblical perspective. The best advice I can leave with you for mothering comes from Deuteronomy 6:5-7 "And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." 

The task God has given me is NOT one that can be conveniently SCHEDULED."

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Another Old Lady Post -- Featuring Trace Adkins

There's always a couple of things that happen during the week that spark an idea for the weekly blog post.  The first was a question one of my former students posed on her Facebook page about letting her seven-week-old baby cry to sleep.  The other was a conversation with an old friend.

Remember when you were in the grocery store and an older woman stopped you and told you to enjoy your babies while they are little?  One day they will be grown and you'll wonder where the time has gone.  Alisa (yes, the Alisa that sparked my journey towards natural birth) and I were talking about this yesterday -- how we couldn't really grasp what the "old" lady was saying at the time.  But now, well, it's happening.  Neither of us have little babies and toddlers at home at anymore.  They are all in school.

I was telling my 15-year-old this week that if he could just see the big picture, he would probably do things a little differently.  I told him even at 25, I'm not sure I could see it.  At nearly 41, I'm seeing the big picture a bit clearer.

My 50-something-year-old cousin -- a prison guard -- made this comment on his Wall this week:  I remember as a parent, a swat across the butt would get their attention. Now as a grandparent a hug gets their hearts....and mine. I've finally figured out that their hearts are more important than their attention. I guess the old saying is true...by the time you are old enough to be a grandparent, you are mature enough to be a parent.

I'm not quite there yet - thankfully - but I'm seeing what the "old" people are talking about.  When Darcy was still small enough to hold, maybe 3 or so, I told her that one day I wouldn't be able to hold her anymore.  She got real sad and refused to believe that was true.  We went one by one through the other kids and I asked her if she ever sees me carry them.  At the time, the only one taller than me was my son.  The image of me carrying him around made Darcy giggle.  She's tried to stay small, but it's not working out!  She's almost 7 now, and needless to say, I can't carry her anymore.



I have a house with bigger kids now.  Two of my kids are taller than me now.  They all go to sleep on their own and sleep through the night.  They can mostly take care of themselves.  Darcy still needs some help, but it's readily available by other people besides just me.  I can leave the house by myself almost whenever I need to.  Rarely do I have someone sitting on my lap.  I don't get to read to anyone much anymore now that they all can do that on their own.   The slings I carried them in are all tucked neatly away in their baby buckets.



My point?  These phases that we are in -- even the ones that seem like they will last forever -- don't.  They will end.  Every day we make memories and lay a foundation.  Hold your babies.  You cannot spoil them.  I do think you can "spoil" an older child, but that's a story for another day!  A baby's needs and wants are the same thing.

I keep telling myself,  "This too shall pass" with the 15-year-old, but unfortunately, I've got 3 more right behind him!  Ha!  I'll do my best to follow my own advice and love them, enjoy this time, knowing it won't last forever.  I wish the baby phase back -- not sure I'll wish for the teenage years back though!

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Baby "Milestones" are Stupid

I received a message from one of my former students today in distress over her family comparing her baby to her sister's baby, who is just two weeks younger. I have a feeling a lot of us can relate to this.

"I'm starting to receive concern from family members about Ellie being slow to hit milestones. She is a happy, alert, curious baby, but she does not sit unassisted yet, and she is nowhere near crawling. She is 7 1/2 months old. Of course all the concerned people are trying to figure out why she is "delayed" and pointing fingers at: too much breastfeeding, lack of solid food, the fact that she doesn't sleep in her own room or know how to "self-soothe," or the fact that I carry her too much.

I doubt everyone would be so concerned, except that Ellie is being directly compared to her cousin (my sister's baby) who is exactly 2 weeks younger. He has been sitting and crawling for weeks, and now he is starting to pull up on furniture to a standing position. He is formula-fed, started solids at 4 months, and was trained to sleep in his own crib (in his own room). My sister is also careful not to pick him up "too much" so as not to "spoil" him. So those methods now look more successful than my methods.

Anyway, I just wondered if you had a blog post about this (or maybe if you wanted to write one!), or if you had any other info about it, so that I could send a link or something to the relatives that are bugging me."

Give that boy a ribbon!  Oh wait, the ribbon goes to the mom, right?

When my first baby was little, I remember comparing him to every baby that was remotely close to his age.  The only thing he did "early" was sit up.  He was 5 months old and fat as could be.  He looked like a bowling ball.  I think that is the only reason he did sit up!  I was so relieved when he got his first tooth at 9 months.  He finally started crawling at 10 months.  In fact, my earliest crawler was 9 months.  Of four children, my earliest walker was 13 months.

As you could probably guess, my babies, like this mama's baby, were all carried extensively in the sling.  I was constantly talking to them.  They were learning language and engaged in all kinds of  activities they otherwise probably wouldn't have been from a stroller or car seat.

I have read -- and maybe this was made up by someone who wanted to make parents of "slow" babies feel better -- that babies who do things later tend to be soaking up more around them.  They tend to speak sooner and often more clearly.  I do think that when they are engaged in whatever activity their caregiver is engaged in, they are preoccupied.  When they are left "alone" they find ways to occupy themselves, often finding out what their body can do.  This is so not true of some babies and I'll probably incite a riot with that statement.   Babies who do things early are more focused on doing than learning.   Like I said, I have no idea if that has any merit whatsoever.  As we all know, babies are all so different.  They do things when they are ready.

I was concerned about one of my kids being dyslexic when she was small.  I took her in and they wouldn't even give me the time of day.  They said at that age  -- she was about pre-K -- the spectrum was enormous.  They said by 3rd grade that gap narrows significantly. 

I've always felt like, who cares if one kid can read at 4, or crawl at 6 months, or eat solid food at 4 months, or walk at 12 months!  It doesn't mean they are smarter or better than the next kid.  It also doesn't mean that you are a better mom!  Once they are talking, walking, feeding themselves, swinging on the swings, playing tag on the playground, playing video games, Facebooking with their friends, and downloading music on their ipod, no one cares about these milestones.  It's like due dates.   40 weeks is an estimated time of arrival.  As we know, it means little. 

Ultimately, those milestones, in my opinion, are kinda stupid.  I think a mom knows when something is not right.  Those milestones, like fetal kick counts, make a mom super paranoid, almost always unnecessarily.  If you do feel that something is not quite right, visit with your pediatrician about your concerns.  Follow your gut, but not what the kid next door is doing!  Don't compare your baby with other babies.  For that matter, don't compare your teenager with other teenagers!

A couple of years ago I had to tell one of my students to put the books away and just focus on her baby.  She was making herself crazy with all the things her baby should be doing, or parenting exactly the way the book said was the right way.  At some point, you have to just look at you, your kid, and your situation and do what works for your family.  Some things sound great in a book but just don't play out that way in your real life.  I experienced this quite a bit with my babies. 

As for my former student's message?  I feel bad for the other kid.  He's not getting breastmilk, he's choking down solid food, not getting held nearly as much as his cousin, and he sleeps alone.  Follow your instincts, Mama!  You are doing a fabulous job.  And your baby is so lucky to be parented with so much love.

For the record, none of my kids read at the age of 4, but they all read now.

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