"I'm starting to receive concern from family members about Ellie being slow to hit milestones. She is a happy, alert, curious baby, but she does not sit unassisted yet, and she is nowhere near crawling. She is 7 1/2 months old. Of course all the concerned people are trying to figure out why she is "delayed" and pointing fingers at: too much breastfeeding, lack of solid food, the fact that she doesn't sleep in her own room or know how to "self-soothe," or the fact that I carry her too much.
I doubt everyone would be so concerned, except that Ellie is being directly compared to her cousin (my sister's baby) who is exactly 2 weeks younger. He has been sitting and crawling for weeks, and now he is starting to pull up on furniture to a standing position. He is formula-fed, started solids at 4 months, and was trained to sleep in his own crib (in his own room). My sister is also careful not to pick him up "too much" so as not to "spoil" him. So those methods now look more successful than my methods.
Anyway, I just wondered if you had a blog post about this (or maybe if you wanted to write one!), or if you had any other info about it, so that I could send a link or something to the relatives that are bugging me."
When my first baby was little, I remember comparing him to every baby that was remotely close to his age. The only thing he did "early" was sit up. He was 5 months old and fat as could be. He looked like a bowling ball. I think that is the only reason he did sit up! I was so relieved when he got his first tooth at 9 months. He finally started crawling at 10 months. In fact, my earliest crawler was 9 months. Of four children, my earliest walker was 13 months.
As you could probably guess, my babies, like this mama's baby, were all carried extensively in the sling. I was constantly talking to them. They were learning language and engaged in all kinds of activities they otherwise probably wouldn't have been from a stroller or car seat.
I have read -- and maybe this was made up by someone who wanted to make parents of "slow" babies feel better -- that babies who do things later tend to be soaking up more around them. They tend to speak sooner and often more clearly. I do think that when they are engaged in whatever activity their caregiver is engaged in, they are preoccupied. When they are left "alone" they find ways to occupy themselves, often finding out what their body can do. This is so not true of some babies and I'll probably incite a riot with that statement. Babies who do things early are more focused on doing than learning. Like I said, I have no idea if that has any merit whatsoever. As we all know, babies are all so different. They do things when they are ready.
I was concerned about one of my kids being dyslexic when she was small. I took her in and they wouldn't even give me the time of day. They said at that age -- she was about pre-K -- the spectrum was enormous. They said by 3rd grade that gap narrows significantly.
I've always felt like, who cares if one kid can read at 4, or crawl at 6 months, or eat solid food at 4 months, or walk at 12 months! It doesn't mean they are smarter or better than the next kid. It also doesn't mean that you are a better mom! Once they are talking, walking, feeding themselves, swinging on the swings, playing tag on the playground, playing video games, Facebooking with their friends, and downloading music on their ipod, no one cares about these milestones. It's like due dates. 40 weeks is an estimated time of arrival. As we know, it means little.
Ultimately, those milestones, in my opinion, are kinda stupid. I think a mom knows when something is not right. Those milestones, like fetal kick counts, make a mom super paranoid, almost always unnecessarily. If you do feel that something is not quite right, visit with your pediatrician about your concerns. Follow your gut, but not what the kid next door is doing! Don't compare your baby with other babies. For that matter, don't compare your teenager with other teenagers!
A couple of years ago I had to tell one of my students to put the books away and just focus on her baby. She was making herself crazy with all the things her baby should be doing, or parenting exactly the way the book said was the right way. At some point, you have to just look at you, your kid, and your situation and do what works for your family. Some things sound great in a book but just don't play out that way in your real life. I experienced this quite a bit with my babies.
As for my former student's message? I feel bad for the other kid. He's not getting breastmilk, he's choking down solid food, not getting held nearly as much as his cousin, and he sleeps alone. Follow your instincts, Mama! You are doing a fabulous job. And your baby is so lucky to be parented with so much love.
For the record, none of my kids read at the age of 4, but they all read now.
No comments: