Confessions of a Former Babywise Advocate

 A few years ago I had a mom in class that asked a lot of questions about Baby Wise vs. Attachment Parenting and it spurred me to write a blog post on the topic.  Fast forward 2 1/2 years and this same mom wants to become a Birth Boot Camp Instructor.  I knew she had "done" Baby Wise with her baby and that is not what Birth Boot Camp teaches.  She came clean and told me her story of scheduling her 1st baby and practicing Attachment Parenting with baby #2.   Thank you, Rachel, for sharing your story here.

"I am writing this post in hopes that I can encourage mothers in the art of mothering. I prepared for my first birth like many moms. Regular prenatal care, vitamin supplementation, proper protein, reading birth books, taking natural childbirth classes, and making a birth plan were all a part of the wonderful anticipation of being a mother for the first time.

We all receive tons of unsolicited advice when expecting, don't we? It may come from family and friends, but some times complete strangers at the check out, checking you out, nodding their head) saying, "So.... when are you due; pretty soon, huh?" I first heard of "Baby Wise" in line at a check out, then from a friend who it to me. I put it on my list to read along with all the other books Donna had us reading for class. 

One thing about me is, my personality lends itself to a schedule.  I like having a game plan and being in control. My mother always motivated me with check lists and it actually worked. I used to put things on the list I had already done, just so I could check them off and see the accomplishments. Yes, I am one of those "A-type" people. This may have been because I was a first born, or because of the influence of my mother who was a first born, or just because that's my God given organized personality. Any how, when seeking a plan for my firstborn, I went ahead and read "Baby Wise" because I had heard a baby needed to be on a schedule.

Our first born daughter was born at home! So, we got the unmedicated, natural birth we had planned for and loved the experience. I remember saying to my husband, directly after birth, "If that is how birth is, than we can have lots more kids!" I had my husband, midwives, their assistants, my doula, and our new baby all in my master bathroom at the time of her birth. I believe there were nine in all.

She latched on to nurse like a pro just after birth. She loved her sling, "The Over the Shoulder Baby Holder". After much research, we decided not to vaccinate at all. My two main goals were to exclusively breastfeed our baby for the first year and to have her sleeping through the night by at least 10 weeks. What was I thinking!!! What I did not know at first was that my two goals were diametrically opposed. I went on believing that if I scheduled her and followed the eat, wake, sleep pattern like what the "Baby Wise" book said, I could have the best of both worlds. "Baby Wise" made us think that if I we were going to be wise parents, we would follow a written schedule.

I live my born-again life with integrity towards God. 1 Corinthians 15:3b-4 "Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures." I believe a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving Jesus Christ. I love my husband and we both wanted to give our daughter the very best. Unfortunately, we were misinformed. 

It is true that a baby can sleep through the night at 8 weeks, can move to a crib in his/her own room at 6 weeks, can be a happy baby, and can nurse well for a while. I know because mine did. If there was ever a "just like the book baby" it was Alayna. Her patterns of eat/wake/sleep were exactly as the book said they would be. When she went "off her schedule," this is what we call now going through growth spurts, teething, or crying. Sadly, we looked in the book to see what to do for her, as if it were an all purpose magical baby users manuel. I hate to say it, but it's true. People stopped me all the time to tell me what a sweet, happy baby she was. They told me she was an easy baby and I was "lucky" to have her sleeping through the night so soon. She was very contented and seemed to be thriving in every way we knew of at that time until she was 7 months old.

I began seeing her demand for more milk and I was not producing enough to satisfy her. Up till then, nursing had been wonderful for us, but I soon realized that her metabolism was geared for large amounts of food at set intervals and that my milk supply was hindered by scheduling. It made my body so rhythmic that it would not let down until a certain time had lapsed. Unlike demand feeding, where a child communicates hunger and mother's milk is always there ready to flow! We were both getting so frustrated. She was hungry and unhappy and I was worried my dreams were vanishing. I went out and bought the best pump I could find. I had never tried a pump before until she was 8 months old. While this did help my supply a little, it turned out to be a big pain. I was nursing my daughter on schedule and tied down to a pump the rest of the time. I began realizing that my 2 goals were not compatible. I wish I had known that exclusive demand feedings at the breast were the most healthy and natural way to go. Sure I was told, but I had not experienced the freedom from a schedule yet.

I shared my frustrations with a close friend who recommended us visit her "Natural Doctor" in Houston, TX. My husband and I prayed about it and decided to get some professional help. We had never been to a Wellness Doctor before. Dr. Hopkins at CWA taught us many things about wellness, healthy eating, nursing, and how our bodies work best eating foods designed for us specifically. I was given whole food supplements to strengthen and richen my milk supply. He taught us and challenged us not to schedule our daughter anymore. In time a demand nursed baby will find his/her own routine that promotes his/her individual health. We prayed some more and chose to put a fresh priority on our baby's optimum health. We quit "Baby Wise" thinking and stepped out in faith to the unknown world of possibilities available through what the book calls, "Attachment Parenting!" My husband and I tried to un-schedule our 10 month old. The most surprising thing happened. I could not, try as I might, to un-schedule her. It was the hardest thing in the world, but I was able to get off the breast pump and go back to just nursing her for another 4 months. Proverbs 13:20 "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise:" I am so thankful for the true wisdom of our Christian Doctor.

It was so impossible to unschedule our scheduled baby. For 8 months out of 10, that schedule had become such a part of her we could not separate the two. I am sad to say, she only knew life through the "glasses" of a schedule. She was quite addicted to it. I mean, if she did not have meals at set times her sugar levels would plummet. With it, came crashing down tears and unrest. If we were away from home during "nap time" she would have a melt down. She seemed to "need" her schedule for weeks and months after we took it away. The regular ups and downs of daily living without a schedule were hard on her at first. It was not until she weaned herself at 14 months (too early for me) that we really saw full improvement in her ability to enjoy life to it's fullest. Who knows how long she may have nursed if we had never introduced a schedule?  Her mood swings went away and her over all health improved by 94% from her first check up with Dr. Hopkins at 10 months old.

I always felt very attached to my baby, but compared to my second born, she was actually too independent.  I would even say, she was unattached emotionally and we didn't even know what we were missing.  I am grateful our 3-year-old has recovered, but we will never have those early years to do over again.

After our second home birth, we talked about how, in some ways, it would be like parenting for the first time all over again. I was looking forward to guilt-free co-sleeping! I loved it and we got better rest than we did following "Baby Wise".  My husband cherished more time with our baby in our bed than I had ever dreamed possible. And because we were doing many things more naturally like demand-feeding, it was easy to go on dates. We were not on a time schedule dependent on when the baby would need to be in bed . 

Hannah nursed exclusively for 12 months and 1 week. Around 13 months we bought a king size bed to accommodate for needed space. I did not want space to be the reason to move her out of our bed before she was ready. She still nurses on demand and loves snuggling in her sling at 18 months old. I had never allowed myself the privilege of napping with my first baby in my bed, so I made up for it with our second. She stayed in our bed at night for over a year and then occasionally on an as-needed basis. She was still in our room in a pack-and-play until one particular night when she motioned "up, up" to the old out-of-use crib in her sister's room. Now that Hannah is 18 months old she sleeps in her own bed in her big sister's room because she wants to do things just liked Alayna. If she is sick and needs to nurse more frequently she knows she is always welcome back with us.

Recognizing that God has called me to function as His agent defines my task as a mother. Ibelieve our culture and "Baby Wise" have reduced parenting to providing care. Parents often see the task in these narrow terms. The child must have food, clothes, a bed and some quality time. In sharp contrast to such a weak view, God has called me to a more profound task than being a care-provider.

Mothering is a pervasive task. It does not end even when we are sleeping. In our homes we need to parent our children in God's behalf. Whether waking, walking, talking, singing, resting, or nursing, I must be involved in helping my children to understand life, herself and her needs from a biblical perspective. The best advice I can leave with you for mothering comes from Deuteronomy 6:5-7 "And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." 

The task God has given me is NOT one that can be conveniently SCHEDULED."

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My Christmas Letter -- In Blog Form

I had a friend ask me a while back if I thought if a good birth - or "bad" - made you feel closer - or further - from that child.  There was a time when I might have said yes, but I do have the perspective that time sometimes gives us, now that my children are older. 

I don't need to rehash the births of my children, but my 2nd birth was my most emotional.  I felt so excited that I had accomplished my goal of an unmedicated birth.  I won't say it was my best, but I definitely experienced that "birth high" that we sometimes read about.  She did not look like my baby though.  She was dark skinned with pitch black curly hair.  People always asked me if my husband was "ethnic."  She is now 12 years old, and while our relationship is probably better now than it has ever been, she has always preferred her Daddy.  We have had very little in common and our relationship has frequently been somewhat forced.  She is very serious and has an intense moral compass.  She loves to write and remembers everything I've ever said, which has often come back to haunt me!

My first baby (now 14), on the other hand, looked just like me and my side of the family when he was born.  Still does.  I was always close with him and thought that I could love no child as much as I loved him.  I had an epidural for his birth.  I do not feel that it had any bearing on how I felt about him.  Of course, now finishing up his freshman year of high school, he thinks we are total idiots.  His friends are more important than his family and music is the center of the universe both playing it and listening to it. 

My 3rd pregnancy, labor, and birth were all the hardest.  Abby constantly had her foot in my ribs. The harder I pushed at her foot, the harder she pushed back.  It was the only pregnancy we did not plan.  This child was determined to get here!  Between you and me, I have the strongest connection with #3 (now 10 years old).  She looks nothing like me (dark olive skin and dark hair), but I have the most in common with her.  She has been, and continues to be, the best conversationalist.  In fact, she's the most mature of the entire family!  She's organized, self-motivated, has great "style" (which makes her fashion-conscious Daddy proud), is confident, and has a great sense of humor.  She should have been born the oldest because she would have been a great babysitter.  Currently, and formerly, she is very un-babysittable, taking direction and instruction from no one, mainly her big brother and sister.

Darcy (6) was probably my "easiest" birth and we've always been good.  No complaints.  She is my mini-me.  She's a firecracker and just lights our home with non-stop excitement!  We've had a good, solid connection since she was born.

So, the answer to the question?  No, I think our children's births are often more about us than it is about them. I will say that how their personalities were in the womb is very much how they have been out of the womb.  Daymon was constantly in motion, I hardly ever felt Vena move, Abby constantly made her presence known, and Darcy just always went with the flow. 

As I re-read over this post, I realized that a lot of what I wrote was similar to my Christmas letter, which I've been told over the years, is so brutally honest, it's everyone's favorite!  I hope you enjoyed a little slice of my crazy children's personalities and what I endure day in and day out!

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Having Baby #2

It is such a joy to watch my Bradley families grow. I usually do have a few couples in class that have had previous children, so I try to address a couple of issues that parents are typically concerned with when have that second baby. Most do not voice these concerns, but once we get to talking, nearly everyone has them.

Think back to being pregnant with the first baby: the excitement (hopefully!) of seeing that pee- stick tell you that you were going to have a baby, picking a doctor or (hopefully!) a midwife, reading all the books, listening to countless birth stories and wondering what your own birth would be like. That first time around is just magical. Feeling the baby move, laughing at your baby's hiccups, thinking that Braxton-Hicks contractions were the baby doing a major somersault.

The first time you tried to breastfeed, all the worrying about if you were doing things right. What kind of mother you'd be. You watched your baby's every move. Recorded all the firsts. There are a million pictures on your computer of your baby doing everything from sleeping to smiling to crawling to eating solid food. It was all so new and amazing to watch this little person grow. He had your undivided attention, often much to dad's dismay!

When you found out you were pregnant with baby #2, you probably felt excited that you'd get to do this again. This time, you promise yourself that you'll remember what it feels like to have a baby inside you move their little feet. Hopefully you won't be sick, whether you were or were not the first time around. Being sick with a little one in tow is quite different that being sick by yourself! So, no guilt when your child watches Sesame Street over and over! Survival mode might kick in! And that is okay. It's all for a good cause.

A lot of second time parents don't read for a couple of reasons: 1) they think they already know what they are doing (this is even more true with the 3rd baby), or 2) they just don't have the time now. For me, I wanted a different birth, so I read like crazy and got a babysitter for 12 weeks while we attended Bradley classes. I see this a lot with my couples that already have children. It's about commitment.

You may or may not remember the first time you felt the baby #2 move and even if she moved very much. You are mostly dealing with the baby you already have!

In the back of most parents' heads at this point is, "Can I love another baby as much as I love this one?" It's so hard to imagine. A lot of parents have expressed that if the baby is a different sex, it will be easier for them to be excited -- to feel like it's something new. More worry if it's another boy, or another girl. More comparing.

Parents typically are much more confident in taking care of the second baby. The other child has survived somehow, so we must be doing something right! Once the baby is actually here, the parents find out that, yes, I can love this baby just as much as the first baby. Oddly, it seems to only occur with baby #2, this worry. You'll find yourself protecting baby #2 from baby #1 and trying to help him understand why he has to be quiet when the baby is sleeping or why he can't throw balls in the house.

There is often guilt in those early months, as baby #1 wants -- and has been used to -- your undivided attention. I always put my babies in the sling and they became almost invisible to the other kiddos. Baby was happy, mama was happy, and other children were happy. Win, win, win. It's ok that your older child is having to learn patience. You have given him a playmate and while they can't play yet, in just a few short months, they will. Let's face it, as great a playmate as I'm sure you were, another child is so much better! They will learn negotiation, sharing, fun, and hopefully will get a best friend out of the deal. That guilt you initially feel will hopefully be very short-lived.

Shortly after Vena (my #2) was born, I remember David had been at work one night, and I must have been feeling adventurous and decided to bathe both children at once. We were in a tiny BYU apartment at the time. Daymon (#1), 2 1/2, was in the big bathtub and Vena was in the baby bathtub on the floor. I don't remember all that transpired in those few moments, but I do remember that David came home to find us all three crying, the two kids on my lap, on the bathroom floor. He looked in, and just turned back around and shut the door! There were days when I was convinced that this was a huge mistake to have another baby!

Vena was an interesting baby, and still, my most interesting child. She would smile at me and David, but no one else. Everywhere we went, people would talk to her in the sling and tell her how beautiful she is. My dad used to say that she could stare a hole through you. No expression. The only person that could ever make her laugh was her big brother. I am not exaggerating. Eleven years later, this is the sister that he is most bonded with.

In fact, going from 2 to 3 kids, for me, was much easier because #1 and #2 would play together while I dealt with #3. My words of caution with #3 is to not be cocky or over-confident -- with the pregnancy, and especially the labor and birth. I've talked with midwives who say that 3rd babies make them the most nervous. Not just the labors, but the parents. They tend to have a know-it-all attitude and do not prepare themselves appropriately. This was definitely our case. Stay humble!

Middle child is a tough place to be. I'm a middle child. I always felt that my mom's favorite was my brother, being her firstborn. He was also 8 1/2 when I was born, so they had been together for a long time before I came along. And my dad's favorite was my sister, two years younger than I. All those pictures of #1, and you swear that you won't be like your parents. You will record all those firsts and have equal amounts of pictures of all your kids. Impossible! I'm just like they were.

My expereince with #2 is that it has been very easy to ignore her. #1 demands so much attention because they are used to it. Second babies tend to entertain themselves easier, or be entertained by big brother or sister instead of mom or dad. I have often used the phrase, and everyone has heard it, "The squeeky wheel gets the oil." The children that don't squeek as much need just as much attention as the squeeky ones. Vena has had a lot of issues -- self-soothing issues, I'll call them -- that I think could have been avoided had I not relied on Daymon to entertain so much. Pay attention to those non-squeekers!

Love those babies. I can hardly hold my baby anymore. She's almost 5. They will grow. No matter how many babies you choose to have, you'll be amazed at how much love you'll have in your heart. Try to remember every single sweet moment, even though you know you won't!

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