The Perfect Birth - Does it Exist?

I received these thoughts from a former student - turning Birth Boot Camp Instructor - and wanted to share it here.  I think many women can identify with her point of view.  I'd have a dozen babies if it was all about the birth and breastfeeding.  Those little ones become big ones with opinions and attitudes!  While my 4th birth was my favorite, there are still things I would change or do differently if I could.  For example, I wish I wouldn't have said "Make him come out!" when I was pushing.  (We were convinced Darcy would be a boy.)  Thanks, Jennifer, for sharing your thoughts.  You are not alone, my friend.

"While playing on the beach in Daytona during our Florida vacation, I was taking pictures of the kids.  I took dozens of the same activities- playing in the sand, wave jumping, boogie boarding- looking for that “perfect” shot.  You know, the one that looks like it came in a new picture frame, or that you would see in a magazine ad for a beach resort.  Later, when talking with my husband in the pool, he said that he didn’t know why I wanted a perfect picture instead of a real one. One that shows the personalities of our four kids: their movements, their expressions, their quirks; one that shows what the moment was actually like.

It dawned on me, at that moment, that I have had that same view of my births.  You see, I have been struggling with not having another birth experience.  Partly because I want to do it all again (Ok, not really.  The four months of morning all-day sickness and early breastfeeding struggles are not necessarily moments that I wish to relive).  But when it comes to birth, I am consumed with wanting another birth.  A big reason for this is that I still want, and feel like I have missed out on, my “perfect” birth.  I have had (mostly) wonderful experiences delivering my three sons and daughter, and was blessed to have finally accomplished my natural water birth with my 4^th child.  But, I tell myself, it wasn’t a home birth… I went to the birth center too soon, and didn’t labor at home as long as I’d liked… the midwife was more hands-on during delivery than I would have preferred (we had planned on my husband catching the baby, but when her shoulders got a bit ‘stuck’, the midwife was quick to push him out of the way and take over).  Don’t get me wrong, it was a wonderful, life-changing experience- all of my births were- but it wasn’t perfect.  I find myself dwelling on that instead of relishing the amazing experience that it was.  I fondly remember the way my husband was my rock and encouraged me every step of the way.  I love remembering the way my three sons rubbed my back in between contractions, and how excited we all were to learn that they had a baby sister.  I am still amazed at what my body was capable of doing with the proper preparation and the resolve to succeed in my quest for a natural birth.

Was I perfectly poised throughout my labor?  Much like my squinty-eyed, goofy-grinned children, no.  But, just as my camera captured who my children were in the moment, my birth captured who I was at the time- all of them did, actually.

Were there things I would do differently if given the chance?  At the beach, as well as during my labors, yes!  But that does not take away from the amazing experience we had.  I will forever look back fondly at our Daytona vacation, and am glad I have pictures that show who my family really is.   I have decided to look at my birth experience in the same way.  It wasn’t perfect, but it was real, and it was perfectly mine."

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DIY -- Siblings at Birth Class

It's your lucky day!  I am giving you my outline for my Siblings at Birth class I periodically teach.  I've written on this topic of children attending birth before.  Here's a link if you are still thinking this is a little weird.
One of the first questions I get about this class is what age is appropriate?  You know your children better than anyone, but as a general rule, I think a mature 3-year-old does fine.  Many families like the idea of including their children, but it is important that the children make their own decision as to whether or not they want to be there.  Let them get the information and then decide for themselves.  Vena was 6 when Darcy was born and chose not to be in the room.  Of course, at 13, she regrets that decision, but at the time, that was the right decision for her.  

First off, I tell the children how often I get to teach the class, which is almost never.  Children rarely are invited to a birth, and if they are, I find that a lot of parents aren't real sure how to prepare them.  I hope you'll pick up some helpful tips here.

I let the children know that their parents really love them a lot to invite them to be at the birth.  We have some conversation about how they feel about the new baby.  Is it a boy or girl?  What do they hope for?  What do they think the birth will be like?  How do they feel about being at the birth?  You might be surprised at some of the answers.

We talk about the environment where the baby currently lives.  No hunger, perfect temperature, cozy, can hear voices, and the baby likes to be with mom.  I bring my baby and placenta and umbilical cord.  Pictures work great too.  Depending on the ages of the children, you can make this as complex or as simple as needed.

When we start talking about contractions, I find that simple pictures of contractions -- ie. the wavy pictures where they start out far apart and not very high, progressing to short breaks and high "hills" -- are pretty effective for the rest of the discussion.  I refer back to it when we are talking about appropriate things for them to be doing depending on which phase of labor their mom is in.

The visualization of a turtleneck pulling over your head , depending on what part of the country you live, is good for children when describing the cervix pulling back to let the baby out.  I taught this class this week and the kids had no idea what a turtleneck is!  That's Texas winters for you!

Tell them about the type of environment that is helpful -- dark, quiet, warm.  I suggest the kids pack a labor bag too, no matter where the birth is taking place, just like mom will be doing.  Pack special snacks, a new or favorite movie, and new puzzles or books.  Pack things that they can help with at the birth -- a massage tool to use on mom's back, suckers for mom (and maybe one or two for themselves), some juice boxes, a camera, or a journal.  Give them a job to do at the birth.  It keeps them focused and they feel valued.  They want to help but won't know how unless you give them direction beforehand.

It's always fun to ask the kids, "How does the baby get out?"  I tell the story of Daymon asking at 4 years old this very question.  I told him to think on it for a few minutes.  I was jumping out of my car briefly, and when I got back in, I asked him if he had an answer.  He said he thought that it must be like a really big poop!  The kids always think its funny, but then I go on to explain how it is similar.  They can understand pushing a poop out!

My favorite part of the class is talking about the sounds and facial expressions mom will likely make.  If you haven't read my post on Sounding Your Labor, you might check that out.  I have the kids relax all their muscles, take some good deep breaths, and let out the lowest longest sound they can.  Afterwards, I have them make a high pitched sound.  It's good if they watch each other when they do it, too.  Their shoulders come up and their breathing is shallow and tight.  I ask them which one they felt more relaxed.  Of course, they all say they were more relaxed when they made the low sounds.  I show them what their mom might sound like -- obviously, it's good if they hear this from their actual mother!  Tell them that is another way they can help her -- listen for the low sounds and encourage her to make those sounds (they won't be afraid of those sounds then).  If they hear the high-pitched ones, they can remind her to "bring it down."

A heads up about mom keeping her eyes closed during labor might be helpful too.  They need to know that during labor they cannot ask mom for help.  Her only job is to get the baby out and Dad's only job is to help Mom.  If they need anything, they need to ask the people that are there to help them. 

Speaking of -- There needs to be someone helping with the children at the actual birth and there needs to be someone who will be OK with leaving the birth to be with any children who decide they do not want to be in the room. 

Let's face it, some births are bloodier than others.  Letting children know where the blood is coming from is helpful.  When you talk about the placenta and how it is attached, be sure to tell them that the placenta will be "born" too and there will be some blood.  It's normal.  I've found that some kids are excited about being at the birth until they learn about the placenta.

Watching birth videos where children are present at the births is helpful as well.  It's good that they see how the other kids react.  If they can hear some "sounding," even better.  Talk about how good the mom sounds, how relaxed.  It gets the kids comfortable with these sounds being a good thing, not scary. 
Finally, talk to them a bit about the new baby.  The baby will know their voices and will like for them to play peek-a-boo or sing to them.  The baby will cry.  They can help figure out what makes the baby happy.   Give them special jobs to help with when the new baby comes.

I hope this post is helpful in preparing your children to be at their sibling's birth.  Forgive me if you have heard this story before - I'm getting old and have started repeating myself!  Daymon desperately wanted a brother and I was positive I was giving him one.  When Darcy was born, I held her for a long time, scared to turn this baby over.  What if it was another girl? I would very likely never be giving my son a brother.  When David announced it was Darcy, not James, 8-year-old Daymon shed big silent tears.  It was such a heartbreaking moment.  Ripped my heart out, in fact.  They stayed up for a while, but sometime around midnight we sent them to bed.  He was the first one up at 6:00 the next morning.  He snuggled in to our bed right behind Darcy and while he was looking at her, whispered, "I love her more than anything in the world."  

I believe that Daymon witnessing his third sister's birth -- and finding out with everyone at the same time that the baby was a girl -- greatly influenced his acceptance of this baby. 

I congratulate you for including your children in your birth experience.  Have the children write or draw a picture shortly after the birth documenting the experience from their perspective.  You'll treasure that forever.  Witnessing the birth will help to set them on a path of believing birth is a normal life event -- one to be treasured and shared with those you love most. 

*Photos used with permission.  Thanks to the talented Keri Duckett, a member of the Tarrant County Birth Network.

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Why Take a Children at Birth Class

I had the privilege of spending time with a family this morning who is due with their fourth baby in a couple of weeks. This particular mom had an epidural with her first 3 babies and has decided that she wants to give birth without medication this go-round. Her and her husband have been taking my class by DVD, but we added a couple of live classes too: Techniques of Relaxation and Children at Birth.

I rarely have the opportunity to teach my Children at Birth class. As you may have noticed, there's not a lot of demand for a class preparing children for witnessing the birth of their sibling!

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately, knowing that I would be teaching this class. There is something very special about a mom who wants her other children to be present for the birth of her new baby. It becomes the birth of a family, really. With each child the family dynamics change, and inviting older children to be a part of that is so special. Sacred, really. She is placing enormous value on her older children by allowing them this opportunity to be a part of this wonderful, life-changing event.

A few years ago, I had a dear friend who was pregnant with her fourth baby. When she told her children that they were going to have another baby, it was the oldest child that had the hardest time with it. After days of crying and consoling, she finally got to the root of what the real issue was that he was struggling with -- he remembered her going to the hospital and being gone for a long time, someone else taking care of him and the house, and then mom coming home with a baby that took up all her time! And to think, we worry about the younger babies and how they will handle a new sibling! We often think that the older ones have done this before and will be just fine. I've often wondered, if he had been invited to the birth, even after leaving the hospital after the birth, he probably would have been okay with Grandma, or whoever, running the house for a couple of days.

When I was pregnant with our last baby, we had not had any ultrasounds during the pregnancy. We just knew she'd be a boy! Two out of three of our children chose to be present for the birth. Had our only boy not been there, I think it would have been much more devastating that "he" was a "she." He found out with the rest of us. He felt a part of it. He was the first child downstairs the next morning, climbing into bed to snuggle up next to the baby, declaring, "I love her more than anything in the world." I have replayed this over and over in my mind over the years and it always comes back to him being a part of the birth.

I so enjoyed the children I met with today. The oldest was a 10-year-old boy and the younger (invited) child is a 6-year-old girl. The two-year-old will NOT be attending the birth! We talked about the process of labor and their roles and what mom will need from them. We talked about the sounds and facial expressions mom might make. We talked about the placenta, the umbilical cord, vernix, IVs, and monitoring. We watched a video where children are present for the births of their siblings. It's so good to see how these other children are "handling" birth. It's quite different to talk about birth versus actually seeing a birth. In the end, the 6-year-old decided that she may not want to be there. (My one child who chose not to be there was also six at the time.)

It is so important that children be allowed to make that decision. But how wonderful to be invited to a birth. It's an honor, no matter your age or profession, but a very rare opportunity for a sibling.

Thank you, Katie and Nick, for inviting me into your home today to teach your children. It is a special thing you are doing, not only for them, but for yourselves and your family. Make sure everyone records it in their own special way. Good luck and I'll be looking forward to hearing about this wonderful birth.

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