A Post For Dads-To-Be About Taking a Natural Birth Class

This is a post for dads.  Childbirth classes would not be nearly as fun without dads!  Our materials at Birth Boot Camp were created with him in mind.  We want birth to be an amazing experience for dad too.  It often seems that while the moms are excited for class, a lot of dads are less than excited and don't really see the point of sitting through a 10-week class.  I have this concern voiced every-now-and-then, so I wanted to take a minute to talk about it. I will be very honest, as usual. No beating around the bush.

First of all, 10 weeks is a long class. If your wife is looking into Birth Boot Camp classes, she has likely researched enough to know that Birth Boot Camp statistics are some of the best when it comes to unmedicated births. This is very cool that she wants to birth your baby without drugs -- which is better for her and your baby. The majority of women are so afraid of this experience, so it's great that she wants to embrace it. You should be proud of this, proud of her! Let's help her do this!

Only about 5-10% of women give birth without medication. This statistic matters to you because it is very likely that your care provider does not know what to do with a woman who does not want to be induced or have an epidural. I have a lot of dads question, "If women have done this since the beginning of time, why do we need a $300 class to teach us what to do?" Valid question. Here is my answer:

Women didn't have a lot of choices until about the last 100 years when it came to childbirth. Once birth moved from a woman's bedroom into the hospital, she gave up a lot of "control" in her birth. Drugs, surgical instruments, and drugs to numb her body and mind were/are readily available. Doctors were/are trained in abnormality and how to "get the baby out" by augmenting labor and birth. Cesarean birth has become so acceptable, no one questions its use and it is presumed safe, or even safer than vaginal birth by many people, including many doctors. Women today face issues that women in previous generations did not. Truly, a couple often finds themselves fighting to have an unmedicated, intervention-free birth.

A Birth Boot Camp class teaches about the process of birth, when intervention, medications, or surgery really is necessary, nutrition and exercises to stay low-risk, and possibly the most important - relaxation techniques to help her through the process. You both are so prepared for this amazing event that you will never forget. It is not just another day in your life. It does matter how the baby gets here.

Dads, let me tell you some things I've seen in couples that seem to be obstacles in this process and even a lot of relationships.

1. Money - When money becomes the issue - not paying for a doula, or a birth tub, or for classes that will empower you with the skills and knowledge you both need - this is a problem. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She is looking down, watching her belly getting bigger and bigger, as the reality sets in that this baby has to come out, whether it's vaginally or by c-section. A lot of women have a deep fear of being cut open and know that the best way to avoid this is to not have medications. She has a need to talk with other women who have been through this and who are going through the same thing. She needs information. Everyone around her and in the media is telling her how awful childbirth is and she is afraid of the unknown. When you say that you not willing to spend the money on her "road map" you are telling her that you don't care. It is selfish.

I've seen the look on women's faces in class when she says that her husband won't pay for a doula. Embarrassment and disappointment best describe the look, but it's followed up quickly with justifying his answer. I've seen the same women end up with a c-section. You know that they will always wonder if their husband had paid the $500 for a doula, maybe she wouldn't have had surgery. She will be the one to reflect on that for the rest of her life, not you. A woman's birth experiences mean everything to her. I know you may not understand that, but please be respectful of it. Help her on this journey. Don't place money above your wife's needs/desires when it comes to childbirth. It will be a wonderful thing for your relationship. Trust me. It shows her that you value this experience too and that you will support her.

2. "I'm too busy." What does this say to your wife? "I don't have time to do this with you. Figure it out on your own. Read a book." Again, women need to be encouraged by and learn from women who have given birth without medication. That is the entire reason I became interested in natural birth -- I had a girlfriend who gave birth without an epidural and I thought "If she can do it, so can I."  I know that everyone's lives are busy. Nothing is more important, however, than welcoming a new person into your family. Labor/birth serve as a bridge between pregnancy and parenthood.

I have seen relationships grow through the course of the 10 weeks. It is a privilege to be a part of a couple's life at this time as they work together to bring their baby into the world. I attended a birth several years ago where he was in her ear, talking to her, loving her, the entire labor. The room was dark. He was attentive and knew just what to do. I had left the room for a moment, and on my way back, I walked past a brightly lit room where a laboring mom had just arrived. Lots of nurses were gathered around her, hooking her up to the fetal monitor, placing her IV, etc., while her husband sat in a corner watching TV. This event had nothing to do with him. I walked back into the almost dark room where this laboring mom was leaning on a birth ball with her husband rubbing her back. It was such a beautiful birth. I was so struck by the fact that this couple truly brought their baby into the world together, in every sense of the word.

3. Accountability. I believe that many dads would be happy if their wife just wanted the epidural. I've known lots of dads who wish this was the case. It would make their job easier. Yes, that is true. It's easier to just leave everything up to the doctor, right? Been there, done that. Except that I was the one who wanted the epidural and my husband wished I had a desire to do it naturally. (He didn't tell me this until I actually did have #2 naturally.) He was so proud of me. It's that ignorance-is-bliss attitude. If your wife is wanting information, do not try to take this approach. Be accountable and be her advocate. The payoff is tremendous.

4. "I don't want to watch the birth. I think I'll get sick." You'll likely surprise yourself. Birth is only a few minutes. Labor is usually hours. This is when your wife really needs you. Birth is usually not really a bloody event, despite how it's portrayed on TV. It is almost impossible to work so hard for 20 hours, only to step out of the room at the time of birth. You'll be fine. Don't let this "excuse" keep you and your wife from being prepared.

5. "I can't see her in that much pain. I don't think she can do it without drugs." This is what she will hear from the whole world. Please don't let her hear it from you. You are her team! She needs your support and encouragement. And take it from me, if I can do it, she can do it. My husband says I could never have made it across the plains as a Pioneer!

I have taught classes for over 10 years and I have had many women sitting in my class that I have wondered if they could do it. They always amaze me. I have seen women transformed by this experience. Women who were shy and withdrawn find their voice and self-confidence. Birth is everything in a woman's life. She can do it!

Thank you for staying with me on this. I know this was long. I just want to see more men supporting their wives in having unmedicated births. You do not have to give birth to this baby. She does. Help make this a joyous experience in her life. One that empowers her, not degrades her or even causes her to resent you because of your lack of support. You'll be surprised at how it will transform your life as well, including the love your wife has for you as you support and encourage her. See you in class which starts November 8, 2013 and runs through January 17, 2014.

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The Pinch Hitting Husband - Hospital to Homebirth

For some men, the thought of a homebirth is frightening and a little weird.  I know that it was for me.

I didn't want a homebirth. I thought my wife and baby would be safer in a hospital. What if something were to happen?  I've always believed in Murphy's law -- anything that can go wrong will go wrong. (It happened to my Texas Rangers last year in the World Series!)

Besides, everyone goes to a hospital to have a baby, right? You have to be some kind of a new-age nut or hippie-wannabe to birth a baby at home.  Not to mention the mess.  I faint at the sight of blood. Does having a baby at home mean that I'm going to have to mop up after the placenta?

So how did Donna convince me that homebirth was the right choice for us?

We were all set to have our third baby in a hospital in Albuquerque. We had a good group of midwives, and everything was going as planned. Until Donna asked them about videotaping the birth. (We used videotapes in our camcorders back in those days.) The hospital had a no-videotaping policy. This pushed Donna over the edge. She called me at work in tears, yadda, yadda, yadda, we decided to have a homebirth.

My first concern of course was Murphy's law. How could I ever face my in-laws if something were to happen to Donna or the baby?

Our first homebirth midwife was an EMT and had worked as a park ranger at a national park. Her gear bag was reassuring.  It was a cornucopia of medical devices, oxygen, needles, vials, chuck pads, etc. She appeared capable of taking care of any emergency. At the time that was very reassuring.

And that surprised/reassured me why? Because I was ignorant that's why! I had a preconceived notion that a medical doctor was more qualified to deliver a baby. What did I expect a midwife to be?  Some daffy old fruitcake chanting and burning incense -- hoping that the baby makes it out OK somehow?

The truth is that most doctors are great at handling medical issues and not so great at delivering babies naturally. That's what they are trained for, right? As with any profession, you do what you are trained to do.  Natural birth is right in the wheelhouse of the homebirth midwife -- that's what they train and prepare for.

Looking back, having a baby at home was the best experience possible. We didn't have to worry about the drive to the hospital. We didn't have to deal with any cranky hospital personnel poking and prodding all hours of the day and night. We didn't have to deal with hospital regulations, the nursery, and the list goes on. And I never had to deal with any bloody mess whatsoever!

Our fourth and last baby, Darcy was born in our bed. I'll never forget lying down before Donna's labor started.  I could feel Darcy moving around. Donna's labor started shortly after.  The midwife made it to our house right as it was time to push. It was a beautiful birth. After everyone was gone, it was just me, Donna, and Darcy -- this time on the outside. I'll never forget looking at little new born Darcy, eyes wide open, snuggled up next to her momma nursing.

So, my fellow fathers and fathers-to-be, if you have the option to have a homebirth, make like Nike and just do it! You will never regret it. Plus it's a really fun conversation starter at office parties and so forth.

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Dads Begging for More Babies

My husband came home from a church activity a few weeks ago where he had been talking to this woman who is pregnant.  He was getting ready for bed and just sort of rambling while putting clothes away and turning down the covers.  In the middle of it all, he expressed that he felt jealous of people in that stage of life.  He went on to talk about how exciting those times were, waiting for a baby.  Wondering what would our labor be like.  And then those early days and months of having a new baby in the house.  Sigh.

So often I hear women say that they'd love to have more children but their husband is DONE!  I rarely hear a woman say that her husband would love more but that she is the one who is done!  Why is that?

I must admit that my husband is a unique breed.  He's sensitive and compassionate.  Clever and funny.  Oh, and incredibly handsome!  He loves babies.  He never protested at having the baby in our bed like many men. In fact, the other night he was in and out of our last Bradley class and we were talking about co-sleeping.  He threw in his two cents -- yes, he slept great -- except an occasional "boot to the head" from a toddler.  (David wants you to know that this is him holding one of our babies in the above photo.  OK, we can't all be Joe Gumm.)

Is it just that our kids are bigger now and we don't have a baby anymore?  Are we just missing that time of our lives?  David hates feeling nostalgic and I think he's been hit with quite a bit of it lately.  Maybe it's that his wife just turned 40 (he's 37), maybe it's having a kid in high school that is driving us completely crazy and he's missing the "simpler" days.  Whatever it is, it's real. 

I, on the other hand, don't have that I-miss-not-having-a-baby-in-the-house feeling like he does.  I really do live vicariously through my Bradley students.   I'm still surrounded by pregnancy, labor, birth, and babies.  I am selfishly enjoying my quiet days when they are in school.  I am unbelievably busy with other things, just not breastfeeding and changing diapers!  For the record, I miss the hours of holding a nursing baby and co-sleeping with my babies, feeling their warm little body mold to mine.  It was a wonderful time that flew by much too quickly.  Everyone says that to you when they are little and you think "Yeah, right, lady!  You have no idea."  Now I'm that lady!

Back to the men.  David had a vasectomy when Darcy was about 18 or 19 months old, which in my opinion, is the absolute worse age ever, or at least I thought it was until we had a 14-year-old!  He was dead set that he didn't want more babies and I was right on board with him on that one -- again, Darcy was at my least favorite age.  I haven't changed my mind, but I think if I said I wanted another baby, he'd jump right on that.  Don't get excited, it's not going to happen. 

A lot of dads don't enjoy having a baby in the house.  Am I wrong here?  Baby wants mom and doesn't really care all that much about his/her dad until later.  I did have one baby that really did seem to prefer her dad over me -- still does.  But for the most part, I think that is a fair statement.  Sex often revolves around the baby's routine.  Breasts are often off-limits with breastfeeding sensitivity and leaking.  His wife is often so distracted with the baby, dad gets "stuck" with more chores around the house.  If baby is not co-sleeping, dad is probably involved in night feedings and not sleeping well.  Right or wrong, I'm just trying to think from his perspective for a minute, so don't hate me.  We can't ignore the financial responsibility in having kids, that ideally falls mostly upon the father.  (At least that's how I was raised and how it is in our family.)

Mom typically is the one who spends many more hours with the baby and gets to know the baby before dad.  She figures out the different cries the baby has, what they mean, and how to calm the baby.  When she has to tell him how to calm his baby, he might feel inadequate.  Dads often get to know their babies through play, once the baby is big enough. 

I can't explain why David didn't seem to feel these things.  I hear from so many couples that struggle within the first few months.  I wish all new dads enjoyed the new baby phase.  It is something that many women want to experience over and over. 

I am thinking out loud on this post.  It's just something that's been on my mind lately since David made that comment about missing the baby phase.  I'm so grateful for such a compassionate man to share my life with, one that loves babies and co-sleeping. 

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The Gift of Days-Long Labor

Having a baby is such an exciting time, not just for the new parents, but for the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, sisters and brothers.  There are so many people that are invested in this new little person.  They all want to be called the minute you start labor so they can rush to the hospital and wait.

But what if labor isn't like the movies?  We know how often that happens, right?  First contraction and the baby's practically falling out.  Regardless, everyone is rushing around to get out the door and races to the hospital.  There is this idea, even subconsciously,  that if we head to the hospital, the baby will come. 

I recently had a couple start good contractions on a Sunday.  We thought for sure she'd have her baby and would not be in class Tuesday night.  We'd text or talk every several hours.  I knew her mom was nervous and wanted her to head to the hospital.  This woman knew it wasn't time.   She visited her chiropractor, and while it didn't seem to necessarily help speed things up, she didn't have back labor after that.  A success, for sure! 

I finally talked with her husband who had been a fun guy to have in class.  He said everyone was asking if this was normal -- labor taking so long.  All their comments were getting to him and he was starting to doubt their decision to stay home as well.  The pressure from family and friends can often lead to going to the hospital too early, which can lead to interventions that the couple didn't want in the first place.  Most people have never seen labor "take so long" because women don't labor outside the hospital very often.  And in the hospital, time limits are enforced.  So two days is unbelievable!  Surely, something must be wrong!

I believe that we'd see this so much more often if women:  a) waited until labor was very well established to go to the hospital, even if it meant days, not hours; b) were not dying to get an epidural, and thus, rushing to the hospital; and c) were not induced and simply allowed labor to start spontaneously.   If this couple were to go to the hospital, labor would likely be augmented either with pitocin or breaking water.  Were they ready to interfere with the natural process? 

Needless to say, they made it to class Tuesday night.  It sure was fun watching her contract all through class!  Some were super intense and she handled them beautifully.

This type of labor continued for a couple more days.  Baby B was born on Black Friday in the early morning.  I got news while I was in a line at Staples, or was it Sports Authority?  No drugs, no augmenting labor.  Just trusting that this labor was just what mom, baby, and even an emotional new father needed.  They are on cloud nine.

Another one of the couples from the same class has had a very similar week.  Contracting every 3 minutes, lasting about 60 seconds.  Still getting some good sleep.  Eating, resting, walking.  The story from the first couple has bolstered their confidence that this is normal.  They have had to remove "the family" periodically as well for the same reasons.  Both these women have amazing husband-coaches.

Like I always say, the baby will come out!  Labor will not last forever, although you may get to a point that you can't imagine it ending.  It will.  Enjoy your labor.  Take it as it comes.  Don't rush through it.  You'll treasure these hours -- or days! -- down the road.  Do something memorable with your labor.  Get creative.  Stay in a hotel, see a movie, take some long walks, build a fire, enjoy a warm bath, eat a yummy candlelight dinner, get a pedicure, eat chocolate, get a massage.  All these things can release endorphins that encourage oxytocin to get flowing.  Remember, oxytocin is a feel-good hormone.  It's hard to feel good when you feel rushed or watched.  So when I say enjoy your labor, I really mean ENJOY YOUR LABOR!

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The Doula -- or "Dude-la" -- Post

Some of you might remember reading about one of my couples that accidentally gave birth at home last year.    The plan was to have their doula - who was at the birth - have a doula-in-training shadow her at this upcoming hospital birth.  Frank, the father-to-be, referred to the student doula as "the dude-la" -- she was to be his doula!  His "dude-la" was actually at another birth when Nancy gave birth at home, much to Frank's dismay.  I wish I could take credit for coining this term, but I have to give credit where credit is due.  It makes me laugh every time I think of it.

I always have a couple of doulas that I refer my students to, usually for a bargain price, as my students are usually very prepared for labor and birth.  A bit less work for her -- certainly less educating on her part.  I am very picky about who those doulas are.  Like lactation consultants, doulas are not all created equal.  I knew of a doula in Albuquerque that had a 90% epidural rate! Certainly not the doula I wanted for my students!

The first question I always ask is why she wants to be or why she became a doula.  I am amazed at how many women become doulas because of a personal traumatic birth experience.  They want to help other women not go through what they went through.  That is totally respectable, but not necessarily who I want at my couple's births.  She will often be defensive and looking for things to go wrong.  Her "bad" birth experience led her down this road and she is, in my opinion, trying to right a wrong.

I have been writing about the birth team a lot lately -- doulas, midwives, and OBs.  I've decided that it is 50% of the "requirement" to having a happy birth experience.  Education is great, an absolute must, but if you are surrounded by people who do not believe in your ability to birth your baby without medication or intervention, you likely will not be doing so, no matter how prepared you and your partner are.

If I were looking for a doula, these are things I would want to know:


Has your doula given birth?  (It is hard for someone who has not gone through labor and birth to understand the thoughts that go through a woman's head during labor.)


Where did she give birth and why did she choose that location? (If you are planning a homebirth and you are hiring a doula who has only given birth in a hospital, you might ask her why she chose to not birth at home.  She may, deep down, be fearful of birth.  Or maybe it was an issue with insurance.  Or maybe her husband was too fearful.  Find out why she birthed where she did.)

Did she have medication or intervention?  (When the going got tough, how did she handle contractions?  What seems to be her general attitude about medications and interventions in labor?  Does she really believe that these things are usually not needed?  On the flip side, is she willing to use intervention if required?  Does she recognize that sometimes a woman may need intervention or medication?)


Has she ever been "overdue" and how did she deal with that?  (A woman will naturally doubt her body's ability to start labor on its own towards the end of pregnancy.  Having an encouraging doula by her side, reminding her that her baby and body knows just when the time is right, is crucial.  The "overdue" woman is bombarded with questions of when she is going to finally induce, and her doula will be her rock in refusing induction.)


How long were her labors?  (There is an emotional tug-of-war here.  Most women hope for a short labor, but that is often much harder, physically, than a longer one.  A long labor is not only physically challenging, but very mentally difficult.  It's just interesting to hear her perspective on length of labor.)

What is her c-section rate?  Epidural rate?  (Some things are obviously out of her control, but if her rates are higher than you think they should be, she may not know how to really help a laboring woman - which may be a physical or mental issue.  If she doesn't know her rate, ask her to figure it out.  You'll be doing her a favor, trust me.  She should know this information if she's never figured it out.  If her rates are high, she can evaluate what she can/should do differently, and if they are low, it will help her in talking to potential clients.)


Where is her favorite place to doula?  Hospital, home, or birth center? (Listen to her answer on this one.  This tells you who is the most supportive of doulas at a birth.  It's usually the places where she feels like she has the freedom to work with a couple and her opinions and experience is valued.  These are usually good places to birth.  If a doctor or hospital is not at the top of her list, it's usually because they have policies and procedures in place that make it hard for her to really help you. They are usually resentful of her presence and feel that she is interfering with their work.)


Does she have backup with similar rates and philosophies?  (I don't want certain doulas at my student's births, so I want my doulas-of-choice to have doulas backing them up with similar styles and philosophies.  Things come up in life, and your doula could have the flu the day you start labor.  Ask about her backups.  You will all be more comfortable if you know these things in advance.)
  

Does she have "time limits" of being away from home (nursing baby, child care, husband's job, etc.)?  This is one reason I don't doula.  I have lots of kids, all attending different schools.  I don't let them ride the bus, so I spend half my day in the car.  I don't live near family to depend on either.   Oh yeah, and I have a husband with a demanding job.  Lastly, I don't have the patience necessary to be good doula!  If she does have "time limits" she may be very distracted.  Know what the issues are and how she deals with them.  For example, she may need to pump breastmilk every 4 hours during your labor.  If you are fine with that, great.  If that will drive you crazy, she's not the doula for you.)

Lastly, ask her what she literally brings to a birth? (One of "my" doulas is a massage therapist so she doesn't bring a lot of physical items to a birth.  She brings her hands, ready to work.  She knows acupressure points that stimulate labor and actively uses them throughout labor.  Other doulas have a bag that they bring, full of "birth toys" to help throughout labor.) 

It's nice to know what your doula brings to a birth, both literally and figuratively.

I hope this list helps you in your search for a doula.  They are such an important part of the birth team.  I see more epidurals and c-sections at births without a doula than those than have a doula.  And if your husband is resistant and wants the job all to himself, start calling the doula a "dude-la" and remind him that she is there as much for him as she is for you!

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"Standing Outside the Fire"

So, I'm cutting onions and jalapenos this morning. No one is home. I have a Garth Brooks box set playing (sorry Tim!) with videos, concert clips, and interviews. I've had it for years but never watched it until this morning. It made the time go so much faster.

They showed the video for "Standing Outside the Fire". I love the song, but had never seen the video. I am such a sucker for sap! I want you to watch the video and then come back to me... (Yes, I have put videos on the blog before, but I can't remember how to do it, but if you click on the song, it'll take you right to the video.)

OK, did you love it? Are you bawling your eyes out? I was really a mess with all the onions!

Everything in my life relates back to birth. But before I went there, I couldn't help but be in awe of this mother's support for her child. The love was so evident and he had so much confidence because of her love and support. It made me think of my own children -- do I support them in their talents and ambitions? Some yes, some, not-so-much. It was a good moment for me as a mom.

Next, I couldn't stop thinking of a woman who plans and prepares for an unmedicated birth. She doesn't want to take the "easy" way out. Nearly all women will "stumble" in labor -- even if it's not obvious, maybe it's thoughts in her own head. What happens from there depends so much on her support team. Do they run to her? Do they cheer her on? Do they tell her, "Get up! You can do it!" Do they tell the doctors to "back off! Let her finish the race!"

What if this young man's parents had just sat in the stand? What would that boy have done? Do you think he would have finished the race? I do not believe he would have. It was his dad's encouragement -- the one who thought he would fail or get hurt -- who was at his side telling him he could do it! The look in the boys eyes -- my dad believes in me! -- was priceless.

And then to finish the race, running into his mother's arms, so proud. The prize at the end of labor, to hold your baby, knowing you did it!

Moms and Dads, it is not just about what mom is able to do. It is so much about her support team (doulas, nurses, midwives, doctors, mothers, mother-in-laws, sisters), cheering her to the finish line. Who would have thought that a Garth Brooks song would lead to such as inspirational birth song and post this morning! Sorry for all the crying. I hope you'll ponder this video and it's meaning in so many areas of our lives. Gotta love Garth! Now get on with your day.

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