Communication is vital but how effectively we speak to our children? How effectively we deliver the messages we want them to hear? Do we speak with the same respect to our kids as we do with another adult? With a few positive tips you can change the entire dynamic between your children and yourself and improve your communication significantly. The first thing I would emphasize is speaking with respect. If we treat them with respect they are more likely to treat themselves, us and of course others with respect. We often ignore our kids, we interrupt them and we dismiss of their feelings, we speak about kids in front of them as if they were not present. We belittle them and call names and label them automatically and unintentionally. it takes an effort to change ourselves.
When communicating with kids remember what we say, and how we say matters a lot. Choosing the right words, and using the right tone can make a huge difference. The same message can be delivered in multiple ways. But what matters the most is what message does our child take from the communicated message. Because it’s so easy to misunderstand and being misunderstood. Using simple language is crucial. Children are very literal.
It’s not what we say to our kids matters it’s what we do. Because they want to imitate us. We are their primary role models.
One common mistake we all make is when communicating a message to our kids we refer to ourselves in a third person. That creates a distance between us and our kids. It is very important to use “I” sentences. So instead of saying “Mommy has to go...” Say “I need to go.”
Another similar mistake we make is when addressing the child by saying things like “Your room is so messy...” we can speak for ourselves and state how the the messy room makes us feel. “I don’t like stepping on the legos on the floor...messy rooms make me...” Avoid offending the child by saying, “You are such a messy/clumsy/noisy child...” Stop labeling your or others' children as “good” or “bad”. At my daughter's dance class while we were watching the kids dance through the glass window one of the parents asked another lady which one was her daughter. I was shocked at the response of the parent. She simply said “The bad one”. Then she went ahead complaining about the kid that she was not paying enough attention and was not following the teachers instructions carefully. So, I guess that makes her “bad”.
Once a 7 year old girl told me that if she was “good” for seven times in a row she earned 7 stickers her parents promised her some toy. Then she smiled and said that she already collected 3. It was so painful for me to hear that. Poor kid does not yet recognize that she is a victim of manipulation.
Recently, I have heard something outrageous. One family bribes their 6 year old child to eat yogurt by giving one dollar. If the child refuses the yogurt he gives one dollar back from his “bank”. It is a shame how many parents resort to such manipulative tools to get their children to do what they want them to do. There is total disregard for a child as a person. We have serious thinking to do if we don’t have real influence over our children. How is that child going to treat others? He already has a corrupt soul.
We often hear “be a good listener”, “be a good boy/girl”...as if sometimes they can be bad as well. And when the kids act badly we try to stop them. But we forget that we planted that kind of behavior by suggesting them that there are two ways the “good” and the “bad” way (whatever that means). Can somebody explain what it means to be good?
We fill our children's days with don’ts, nos and be carefuls. If you had to write down every time you said don’t, no and be careful...Hearing it all the time makes kids more resentful. These statements are also very general and from s child’s stand point they mean nothing. Instead of saying be careful, we can simply remind the safety rules. Or how about learning to trust our kids?
Don’t end the request with an OK? It’s like we are anxious for them to say yes but when we end the request with an OK, we throw in an invitation for saying no.
Children don’t have a perception of time so when you are at the playground and it’s time to leave, don’t declare “Five more minutes!” Instead, use a simpler language, more understandable for a kid “After you go down the slide 6 more times we are leaving.”
Use requests instead of commands. The way we speak to our children is totally different from the way we speak to adults. But doesn’t a request sound better than nagging/demanding and is more likely to elicit cooperation? Even when we request good manners we don’t always use our best manners. I can’t tell you how many times I heard a parent demand with a particular intonation ”Say, thank you!” or I will...or you will be ...that’s what I hear. It’s like advocating against cigarettes while smoking.
Don't forget the power of let’s. Instead of commanding the child to clean her room, make it a collaborative effort and suggest “Let’s make your room neat and tidy. I will land you a hand.”
Be positive even when you are going to deliver a negative response. Instead of saying “No, you can’t have ice cream now.” State when she can have it. And remember to be less rigid at times. Sometimes breaking the “rules” can be fun. A little cookie before dinner is not a crime!
State clearly what you need from them. Instead of saying “You need to put your clothes on...” You can say “I need you to get dressed ...”
Why is it that we feel that we have to comment on every single behavior act our children commit? Give up that referee/commentator role. Refrain from evaluative, judgmental statements. It’s harmful. Children are nor born to please their parents or do things to “earn” a parental approval. We have to take care of their needs and nourish them. Remember the way we treat them today the way they are going to treat others and the world tomorrow.
And finally, remember that shame, criticism, blame, teasing, ignorance, threats hurt children deeply. We forget a physical pain but we never forget psychological/emotional pain.
If you liked this article and would like to learn more why don’t you sign up for the Parent Support Seminar? One of the key topics of the PSS is communication. You will learn positive tools to enhance your communication not only with your children but also with you spouse/partner or even friends.
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