Too much control?

Two days ago while we were at the playground I became a witness to an incident that is not rare yet it shook me. I thought about it for two days and I decided what great topic for discussion. Four friends were playing nicely together and we mothers were chatting and enjoying after the rain sun. One of the girls placed the only boy into time-out as part of their School-school game and the three girls were playing and giggling. The boy remained in time-out until his Mom went to rescue him. Now, the boy didn't ask for help or cry or call his Mom’s attention. But I guess the worried Mom always keeps her eyes on her child. I became aware of the situation only when the Mother brought him where the Mothers were standing and started scolding him. “Adam, why do you listen to Sophie and do what she says to do? Don’t you have a brain of your own?” The boy was just standing there half shocked, half upset and saying nothing. No one interfered and everybody went home. It was time to go anyway. Every time I see this little boy he is constantly being nagged by his Mother who has all the good intentions for his kid I have no doubt. But how much control do some of the parents execute and are not aware of it? They do it automatically without realizing of the damaging effects it has on kids. It is disturbing to see how many parents constantly use do-what-I-say approach, command and harass their kids with their “Sit nicely!”, “Walk properly!”, “Say thank you/good bye/please!”, “Eat your food!”. Or better yet when those commands are directed towards playing: “Play with your friend! Play nicely!“, “Share your sand toys!”  Or I have seen the overly-worried, overly controlling type when the kid is at some class, let’s say swim lesson (actually happened at my kid’s swim lesson) and the mother screams from behind the fences; “Use your listening ears. Pay attention to your teacher.” As if the teacher is unable to get the kid’s attention? You would think the kid is having fun in the pool away from the controlling Mother for short 30 minutes but no, Momma is watching! Imagine what that child might feel  living under this type of dictatorship on day to day basis? Children have pride too. Why do some people don’t think that shame, criticism can humiliate a young child as much as it would an adult? And why would anybody want to victimize her own kid?  It is obvious that these people have good intentions and want to raise polite and “proper” kids. I get it. But with what cost? With what means? Of course if little Adam is used to listening to his parents all the time he is always going to look for another person to “guide” him, to tell him what to do. Because he is used to that style. He can’t think for himself, he if afraid of making any choices and decisions. He has never given a chance. He thinks that is the accepted way.  People talk about bullying and anti bulling so actively these days yet there are parents out there who bully their own kids without realizing it. 

Bullying-Use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants. 

What kind of children are we trying to raise? What kind of adults will they become? We are not always going to be there with them, to tell them what’s right and what’s wrong. Shouldn’t it be our main goal to teach them to make that distinction for themselves? To be independent, self-reliant, and self-sufficient? What forms of control do parents exercise without even knowing it? We have to learn to let it go, to trust our kids and explore deep for our ultimate parenting goals and let those motives guide us, and define our actions. I’m not suggesting permissiveness. Oh, no. The way that Adam is being treated shows luck of respect for his desires, needs and preferences. Why should children always obey their parents? Because adults know better than kids? Because it has been established that way? Really, how much control is too much? Is it a question of quantity or we should look for alternatives?