Letter to a Baby Not Yet Conceived - Anonymous Post

The following piece was submitted anonymously as my family and friends do not know that my husband and I would like to try for another child. More controversially, they do not know that we intend to deliver said baby in our home with a midwife. I’m not sure how this will go over with my family and do not want to find out just yet. 

Dear Baby #4:

Last night, Daddy and I watched “The Business of Being Born” and our minds were blown away. We had heard of people having homebirths or water births or using midwives instead of OBs but honestly, it all seemed like hippy stuff to us.

I’m almost ashamed to admit it but I often looked at women who did these things as crazy for risking their baby’s life. For all I could tell it was just for a power trip. But last night it clicked. The realization of just how broken our maternity system is was shocking to me. I sat nearly in tears as I thought over my births in a new light. Our experiences would have been exponentially different if we would have been one of these freaks.

#4, I never thought we’d have you. With three big sisters, (and really only planning on two of them) you’d think we were done. And we thought we were. We really did. But you are in our hearts so deeply right now, no matter how crazy it would be. You are the hope we still hang on to. We have to make sure life works out to fit you into it. Finances and space are two big factors. Your sisters are still too young for us to even think of expanding yet. But this gives us time; important time to research everything we want for you.

I’m sorry I didn’t know more when I was pregnant with #1. I took a few basic classes. I wanted to try delivering naturally but it wasn't an overwhelming passion. I had no idea what the body was capable of and I didn't give mine a chance. I made it to 7 cm (which was further than I really thought I’d make on my own but I progressed quickly and reached this point after only a couple hours of labor.) For whatever reason, I gave up; thinking I still had hours to go. The epidural was placed but within minutes your sister was ready to come out. The nurse insisted I hold her in as the doctor wasn’t near. I hadn’t even seen a doctor yet. Heck, I was just getting settled. A few minutes later, an on-call doctor rushed into the room and out came your sister. She was delivered by the hands of a stranger. I tore even though there was no real reason for it. Looking back, I see it was resisting pushing that caused the extra strain.

I had an epiphany this morning as I dreamed of you becoming a real part of our lives. The doctors treated #1 as preterm. I had an early ultrasound with your sister that dated her as being younger than we thought. I had regular cycles and knew when the exact date of conception. The due date shouldn’t have really been negotiable by that much. But for whatever reason, the ultrasound tech moved the due date back by five days. It was no surprise that I measured ahead the entire pregnancy. And when your sister arrived late in the 36th week, she was treated as a preemie even though she very much came on her own time.

She was healthy but the doctors were scared. I should have stuck up for her but I didn't know I could. I didn't know that as a mom, her rights were up to me before she was even born. I wasn't given the chance to nurse her right away nor do kangaroo care. Her apgars were in healthy range. She had good color though and was breathing just fine. But that’s not how they treated us. With no nourishment, they stripped her down and took her from me for several hours. It was no wonder that she then showed low glucose levels and colder than average temps. Without even giving me a chance to help her, she was whisked away to the NICU.

The experience wasn't what we planned but we got home a few days later and settled into a very comfortable routine. I was lucky that after the separation, she still learned to nurse like a champ. I wore her often. The natural side of me came through and I soon forgot about the emotional pain and what if’s from her delivery. The time came a few years later that we decided to try again. The second time around, I knew I wanted things differently. I had it all planned out. 

And then the egg split.

I know now that this shouldn't have ruined my plans. I had more options but I didn't take them. I didn't know then that I even could take them. Instead I laid in a hospital bed for months on bedrest, was cut open without so much as a try for a vaginal birth. I was ripped away from my family and faced with a threat of endangering my babies at my weakest moment. I was limited in my interactions with my tiny newborns born too early.

In those moments I failed your sisters. Yes, they were born early and I am grateful to the NICU for giving them the extra assistance they needed. Yes, I needed to be off my feet and resting to keep my uterus calm but the constant monitoring just lead to more scares, more internal checks, more irritability, more contractions; it was a vicious and stressful cycle. The c-section was possibly preventable. I know this now. Sister #2 was head down and ready to go. My body could have done it. My doctor didn't trust my body. Since Sister #3 was breech, there’s no way to know what would have happened. I’d like to think she would have happily changed positions and come out head first like nature intended but I know maybe that wouldn't have been the case. 

I wish I would have thought ahead and consulted a doctor who was willing to do a breech extraction. Mine was not. I think I have a good doctor but she likes to play it safe. And while I always leaned towards safe equaling better now I realize there’s a wide variety of “safe.” I was afraid of the idea of having a split delivery with my twins but I never considered the emotional aspect of what would happen after the c-section and after not getting a chance to try.

So baby #4, if there is a you at all, I’m going to do it right this time. I want to know all my options and face all my fears. It won’t be easy. Daddy supports me as well as a wide community of online supporters but the ones closest to us don’t seem to understand. They see you as a risk they don’t think I should take. They think the things I want are kooky. I wish they could read my mind, feel my pain and my emotions, and understand the excitement that you bring to Daddy and I even as just a plan or a thought and not even as a conceived baby yet. 

I often think of you as a rainbow baby. Rainbow babies are created after a loss and most often referred to as a baby after an infant is loss, a stillborn or a late miscarriage of a little one. I didn't lose your sisters. I don’t intend for my pain to take away from that type of pain because I do not know it but I lost part of me during their births, part of me that I’ll physically heal from but emotionally will always be with me. So even though we never thought of having another baby, you were put in our minds and hearts as our rainbow baby.
Midwives like to say that homebirths are 90% excitement and 10% fear. So this is me facing that 10%, going outside of the normal.

Love,

Mommy 

Mommy is an upper twenty something freelance writer and parenting blogger that stays home with her girls in their Midwest home. Her passions are breastfeeding, babywearing, cloth diapering and holistic medicine. She has three beautiful daughters age 4 years and 18 months x 2.

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Eviction Notice: Get Out!

There are several topics I want to tackle in this post.  As you know, I work with moms who are typically in their last trimester, which, for some, can be a very trying time.  Personally, I always enjoyed being pregnant with my four babies.  With the fourth baby, however, I did have a glimpse of understanding why women get induced. I was 34, which I must admit, was harder than the other pregnancies had been, and I suspect age had something to do with it, although having 3 other babies to look after was probably the majority of it!

I totally understand wanting to meet your new baby and getting your body back, or being able to breathe again and not having to switch sides all night long because your hips are killing you.  Maybe you've had some ailment, like a foot in your ribs for the last 6 weeks, or constant heartburn, or maybe even the worst of all ailments, PUPPS.  Lately, it seems that the "due date" has been referred to by some as the baby's "eviction notice."  I honestly believe that most people use this term jokingly.  Some, on the other hand, have seemed quite serious.

 When someone gets an eviction notice, they are being kicked out of their home for doing something wrong -- most likely for not paying the money they owe for rent.  They no longer have the right to live there.  Your baby, on the other hand, has not done anything to warrant getting "kicked out" of his/her home.  Maybe their "due date" has come and gone.  You know it, but your baby does not.  He doesn't have a little calendar in the womb with the date circled in red to tell him "today is the day to move out!"  While 40 weeks is the average gestation, some babies need longer than that.  Be kind to your little tenant.  He is much easier to deal with in his current home than when he actually does "move out." 

I've had many moms over the years who have sat on my couch in tears after their baby is here because they can't believe how hard this little one is to deal with.  They always comment on how if they had really known, they wouldn't have been so anxious to get him out!  Once that baby is here, he's here.  Pregnancy is over.  It can be an emotional thing with the attention shifting off of mom and onto the baby.  Many women will experience a sense of loss once the pregnancy is over, which can surprise many women who were so anxious to get the baby here.  

And who doesn't miss feeling the baby move?  I can't even remember what that felt like now.  I would give anything to feel that again, to remember.  I always tell my moms, at 40 weeks, even if they go the full 2 weeks "over," they will be mamas in less than 14 days.  Somehow that makes it more tangible.  The pregnancy will end.  You will hold your baby. 

Treasure the end of pregnancy.  Do something really fun and creative to pass the time.  Feel free to add to this list in the comments.  The possibilities are endless.

*Do a belly cast.  

*Do pregnancy photos one more time.  

*Rent some good sappy movies with your husband.  (We saw "Little Women" and "Mr. Holland's Opus" when I was due with Daymon.  David cried more than I did!)

*Or some really great comedies.  

*Stay in a hotel and enjoy these last days together as a "single" couple.  

Don't just sit around watching the clock or the calendar.  Make the most of this time. 

Once the baby is here, spend as much time holding your baby as humanly possible, despite your mother-in-law telling you that you shouldn't.  Your baby will be easier to deal with and bond with if you can recreate the womb for him. 

Recreating the womb involves making his new home as close to his last home as possible:

*He never experienced hunger before.  This is a new sensation in his belly.  He might want to nurse all the time to keep that funny feeling away.  That is OK.  Let him nurse. 
*He never felt wide open space around him.  He was curled up.  Cozy. Warm.  Put him in a sling and wear him.  He'll think he's in the womb again.  (Yes, I can sell you a sling, but that's not why I'm telling you this!)
 *He listened to your heart beat all day long.  He heard your voice, knows your walk, your laugh, even the noises of your stomach.  Those sounds are comforting to him.  Keep him nearby and he will be comforted.

I'm tempted to make co-sleeping it's own post.  I've written about it on the blog quite a bit, but I just want to mention it here briefly.  I'm not sure why Americans think their baby needs their own separate room and bed.  To quote lactation consultant, Mellanie Sheppard, again, "You are your baby's environment."  Seriously.  You want to sleep?  You want your baby to sleep?  Then you need to be co-sleeping.  It's not strange.  Your baby will not be in your bed forever.  You will still have sex with your husband, although maybe not in the bed!  Again, this phase of your life will not last terribly long.  Enjoy it!  We miss that time of having a little baby sleeping between us. 

It took David and I four kids to figure out the best way to parent a newborn.  We didn't set up a crib.  Our bed was her bed from day one, even for naps.  She was continuously is the sling.  She nursed around the clock.  She hardly made a peep.  I remember David even commented one time that she didn't seem to have much personality.  You should see her now!  Wow!  My point is simply that when I see parents meeting their baby's needs before the baby even knows what they need, baby is totally content. And so is mom and dad!

One more bit of advice:  Don't compare your baby to other babies.  That will make you insane.  Also, at some point, as much as I love for you to read my blog and my recommended reading list, you need to just put all of that aside and get to know your baby.  Some things sound great in a book (or a blog!), but the reality is sometimes completely different. 

Your baby is unique and you are the perfect parent for him or her.  YOU are the one he wants.  So just be there.  If you are a good landlord, he'll likely be a great tenant. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

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Why I Recommend the UNT Midwives

I am doing something quite different for this post. Instead of picking a topic, I've chosen a group of local midwives to write about. I am continuously sending natural birthing couples their way and I decided to make a post out of it. If you do not live in the Ft. Worth area, I suggest you use this standard in finding a similar type group in your area. I have nothing to gain by promoting this group, by the way. Simply giving information on a group of midwives who are working hard to provide Mother-Friendly care.

If you read my blog regularly, you know how I feel about homebirth. About 25% of the couples that take my class do give birth outside of the hospital. But that leaves 75% in the hospital. That is alright. I understand, having had 2 hospital births before my two homebirths, why couples want to birth in the hospital. The hospitals, however, are not all created equal.

Let me tell you, in a nutshell, why I am singling the UNT Midwives out for this post. They are all CNMs, or Certified Nurse Midwives, and there are five in the group. To be perfectly honest, some are more medically minded than others, as in any group.

There are three reasons I choose this group over the other CNM groups in the area:

1) They are doing water birth at the hospital. Even if you do not think that you want to have a water birth, the fact that you have this option is huge. It's all about options, really. They are not telling you, like the majority of the other hospitals, that they want you chained to a monitor in the bed. Water birth, or at least laboring in water (often called "a midwife's epidural") is a lovely option for moms and babies, and it's wonderful that it has become an option in a hospital setting.

2) They give you the full 14 days "over" your "due date" before they start talking induction. I have decided in my seven years of teaching that the majority of women truly believe that this won't happen to them. "Going 'overdue' and long labors are things that happen to other women, not to me." OK, it's not said outloud or sometimes even consciously, but it's real. So many women are not prepared for this possibility at the end of pregnancy. So much can happen in those extra days that the UNT midwives are willing to give you. A lot of other groups and/or hospitals have a 7-10 day rule. Me no likey.

3) They are VBAC friendly and so is the doctor that backs them. Again, huge. Even if you have never had a c-section and are not having a VBAC, this philosophy, mindset, and belief is important to all pregnant women. No one wants to have a doctor who has a no-VBAC policy. He or she is preoccupied with legal issues and does not believe in the inherent safety of birth. They have a what-if mindset. A woman with a doctor like that will have a c-section. Also, their back-up doctors believe in their midwives. There are other local CNMs that are not "allowed" by their back-up doctors to do VBACs. Huge. This might seem like a big who-cares, but it's not. It speaks volumes about what is going on in their hospitals.

Ultimately, you do not have to fight to have a natural birth. As long as you do not have drugs, you will have intermittent monitoring, allowing you the freedom to walk or be in the water. You will be encouraged to eat and drink. You will have very limited vaginal exams. Other hospitals require an IV, continuous fetal monitoring, no walking if your water has broken, and vaginal exams every two hours. These "policies" contribute to the high c-section rates.

I should mention that not every experience at Harris has been great. I have had a handful of couples birth there where I was disappointed in how things were handled. Overall, however, these instances have been few and far between. I also believe that they are working extra hard to lower their rates of intervention, including c-sections. Bottom line: if you are birthing in a hospital in the Ft. Worth area, I am most comfortable with how the UNT Midwives do things.

I had a couple give birth with the UNT midwives this past weekend and I would just briefly like to share why they did not have a c-section. I believe that just about any other hospital in the area, she'd be recovering from surgery this week.

This mom had been having some strong contractions about 7-8 minutes apart for about 4 days. She had had a difficult time sleeping and was exhausted by the time she showed up at the hospital Saturday morning. She had some Demerol to help her sleep and by late afternoon without a whole lot of dilation, she had an epidural. Eventually, she had pitocin to pick things up, but the baby didn't like that so much. Instead of doing a c-section -- as just about any care provider around would have done, calling it fetal distress and fearing a lawsuit -- the midwife turned off the pitocin and told this mom to go back to sleep. They'd try again later.

Eventually, the epidural wore off, after the mom had gotten in some good sleep, and she was able to squat her baby out! Her midwife believed in her ability to do have a vaginal birth. Except for exhaustion, mom was fine and baby was fine. She recognized what was working for them and what wasn't.

I also must add, when her doula showed up at the hospital, all the lights were on, monitors beeping loudly, and family all standing around watching this laboring woman. Her wise doula created an atmosphere of quietness, dim lighting, head massage, snuggle time with the hubby, and things moved along quickly afterwards. She probably should have been there sooner!

"I like my doctor" is not a reason to stay at your hospital. He or she will very likely not be at your birth. The nurses run the show at the hospital. You want nurses who are used to working with midwives and have a respect and belief in the natural process of birth. If all they ever see is inductions, epidurals, and c-sections, this is what they are comfortable with. Get the heck out of Dodge and run over to the UNT Midwives.

Now, if you decide to birth outside of the hospital, you have lots more options available to you. That's another story for another day!

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Due Dates

I just wanted to make a couple of comments about due dates. I've had two students -- one who is a Bradley instructor now -- give birth this weekend. Both were "overdue." There was some anxiety leading up to the actual birth day, which I believe was inflicted by society's expectation of when the baby should be here. Surely it's dangerous to go past 40 weeks, right? 40 weeks is considered overdue in some circles these days.

I always joke that the baby doesn't have a little calendar in the womb with a little red pen with his/her due date circled like you do. You've probably heard the numbers on this one: only 5% of babies are actually born on their due date. And yet, so much hinges on that date.

If you have been given more than one due date, you always want to go with the later one, not the earlier one. This buys you time at the end of pregnancy. You may not think this is a big deal right now at 21 weeks -- surely you'll have your baby early -- but as 40 weeks comes and goes, it becomes a big deal.

You need to know your care provider's policy on going past 40 weeks. Maybe they won't even allow that to happen (red flag - get out of there!). Maybe it's one week, 10 days, or maybe they'll "allow" you the full 2 weeks. What if you have 2 dates that are, say, 4 days apart. At the end of pregnancy, every day is significant. This all goes back to believing that your body knows what it's doing. There is evidence that shows that it is the baby that triggers labor, so that must mean that the baby comes when he/she is ready. Labor will be better and baby will do better when he/she is born.

One of these moms that had her baby today had been induced with her other children. What I usually see in these situations is that the mom truly believes that her body is incapable of starting labor on its own. That was not necessarily the case with this particular mom, but I see/hear this quite often. Induction really does a number on a mom's confidence with future babies. This mom declined having her membranes stripped and water broken because she believed in her body. After weeks of contractions, her water broke last night, contractions picked up, they headed for the birth center, and had their baby 6 hours later. Beautiful.

The other mom I referred to, had her first baby at 42 weeks and was quite convinced that this one would come early. Needless to say, she was inching very close to that 42 week mark again! She may have all her babies closer to 42 weeks than 40. All 4 of mine came between 39 and 40 weeks. The more regular your cycle, the more likely you are to be closer to 40 weeks. I am exactly 28 days.

My favorite example when talking about due dates is comparing babies to popcorn. We pop popcorn every Sunday night for dinner in a Stir Crazy popcorn popper. You'll always hear a kernel or two pop much sooner than the others, but generally, they all pop real close together. Despite being exposed to the oil and the heat the same amount of time, there will always be several kernels that pop after all the rest are finished, even when I'm pulling the plug on the popper. And so it is with babies. They generally come around the same time, but it's impossible for the kernels to pop all at once -- that would be quite a sight in the popcorn popper! Some babies need more time than others, some a little less. Let's be respectful of the time they need to "cook." I know that some women truly believe they would have stayed pregnant forever, but I promise, it just ain't so!

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