Keeping It Real...
... After 'closing' my little world on the web down for a little while I've decided to re-open it on the basis this is my life, my journey, my walk. I don't claim to be perfect, to walk in perfection, to have everything altogether, to know everything, or to know alot. The truth is I am extremely imperfect, I have a hugely imperfect life, I don't have anything together (currently), and I know nothing. If you don't like it or you don't like me that's okay. There are hundreds and thousands of more interesting blogs to read of more perfect people who know a lot more than I do.
I hope to be able to look back upon this journey that is my own and see deep personal growth within myself, my husband, our marriage, our children, our life. Everything really because I guess that is really what life is all about.
I am reminded of Job. Job suffered losses from all surrounds and yet he still Praised God. And at the end of his trial he came to know Him deeper and more personally than he knew him before. To me that has to be a blessing in itself. But I can honestly tell you that the journey is hard, those losses hurt deeply, the friends are so... self-wise? misguided? stupid? arrogant? condemning?!
Our family has had a tough and lonely year and yet somewhat it feels that this year continues on from the last. I mope from the constant braxton hicks, the feeling of being tired, the children fighting, Mik not having found reasonable employment after 4 months, the financial stresses we are currently under, our future, our past, our present, the current weather is hot hot hot and NO breeze, and forget the part about thankfulness.
I stress on how I am going to manage 4 kids 5yrs of age and under, whether we will get enough home schooling down, our vehicle situation (we have no car and none available in our town in our price range), our debts, our bills, our shopping bill. How am I going to manage to feed her when my past dictates that stress decreases my milk supply to non-existant.
I discovered that the stress hormone (cortisol?) when present in the mothers body is also present in the amniotic fluid. The higher and longer the stress in the mothers body the higher the levels the baby is receiving. Stats are showing that these babies are born early and a low birth weight. Oh the stress :( This has been the most exhausting pregnancy with the most amount of changes and the most amount of stresses that I have had this far. Certainly doesn't make me feel relaxed knowing all this.
Furthermore I am at an extremely high risk of getting PND. Trying to 'sort it out' and 'reduce the risk' or 'make the transition smoother' or 'make life easier' type things. I've told those that matter that I am highly likely to and they are so lovely, so wonderful, so serving that they have all said "don't worry about it we'll help" and I know that they will - they love us THAT much!! (Any hints to help with this part of the process???)
Yet on top of this my husband whom I love most of the time has been diagnosed with Clinical Depression... What a load to deal with all.at.once.
So there you have it, you know that life as I know it isn't just an easy breeze, a walk in the park, a swim in the ocean. It is tough going, it always has been possibly always will be.
I love my God, I love my husband, I love each of my children and I am grateful that I have all of them. xx
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