How to avoid 20 Common Parenting Mistakes

Before you read the following article please note that there are thoughts expressed here that might be controversial. Keep an open mind and remember that you don't have to agree with them. 

1. We exercise unrealistic expectations. We want children to be able to do things before they are ready. “Be a big girl” we say. How can a 4 year old be a big girl while she is only 4 and even being 4 is hard enough and she has no idea what is it like to be a big girl. We ask them to clean their room with realistic expectations and get angry or frustrated when they don’t meet our requests. But we forget that clean-your-room is such a big phrase for little kids. And honestly it doesn’t mean anything. Now, if we modify our request to one or two clear statements that might work. Start small, like “Can you pick up all the legos?” Or better yet make it a group effort stating “Let’s pick up all the blocks and put them in their place. I can help you”. Saying “I can help you” makes a huge difference. The whole responsibility of the daunting task of cleaning doesn’t fall solely on your child’s shoulders and they recognize that. Plus, doing something together is more fun than alone. And it also teaches willingness to help. 
2. We become angry when a child fails to meet our needs or expectations. But they are so new to this world and they are ego-centric. It is very hard for them to see things from another person’s perspective. In fact, that should be our ultimate goal-to teach them how to see things from another person’s perspective, how to be able to put themselves into other’s shoes. These are the cornerstones of building empathy. Additionally, it is NOT a child’s responsibility to meet a parents need. It’s the other way around. 
3. We take things personally. 
4. We don’t allow children to be children. We limit their world with lots of unnecessary don’ts. I think it is time to reconsider what limits we set and most importantly why we set them. We use too many restrictions. 
5. We blame and criticize when a child makes mistakes. But they are here to learn and being criticized doesn’t unfortunately encourage learning. It crashes their vulnerable, developing ego and they might give up completely. We want to build confidence. We forget how deeply blame and criticism can hurt a child. They can hurt anyone. 
6. We don’t show enough affection and loving actions and forget how powerful a gentle hug, a smile, a nod, an “I love you”, an undivided attention can be. Be generous. Shower your kids with lots of hugs and kisses throughout the day just because you love them. The way we treat our kids, the way they treat the world. 
7. We forget that they learn from us and we are their primary role models that they want to be like us. What we say, how we say, how we act is crucial for them. So, mind your manners. 
8. We praise and overpraise. Most parents think it’s a good idea to praise their kids but in reality that’s harming to a child. We want children to do things when they are ready, when they want to do, we want them to be motivated from inside-intrinsically. We can praise the child’s effort but not the child. This is a very sensitive area for building self-esteem. We don’t want them to be dependent upon our praise or feedback for doing things. Let children discover their skills, challenge themselves and have a chance to figure out things on their own. We don’t want them to do well for pleasing us. We want them to succeed for the internal feeling of self-worth, satisfaction and for improving their skills. It’s good to let the child know from time to time that you love them no matter how well they are riding a bike, how well they swim, how well they draw, how well they spell etc. We don’t love them because they are “good” we love them because their are our kids and we accept them just the way they are. I’m not suggesting that you won’t be proud of your child. You can and you have all the rights. But don’t throw in a “good job” for every little thing they do even things that don’t require any skill or talent, like finishing a cup of milk or putting his shoes on before heading out to play. We want them to do things not for receiving a positive feedback from us but for true motivation that comes from within. 
9. We say ,“Use your listening ears” as if they have-non-listening ears as well. And we suggest using them when they need to. So, next time your child doesn’t listen to you, remember that you have created listening and non-listening ears. It is offensive for a child to hear that. They know that ears are for listening. So clearly when your child doesn't listen to you it’s not because he forgot his hearing device it’s because he chooses NOT to respond. Find the answer within you. Would you say that statement to your spouse? 
10. When we see our crying child we keep asking ”why are you crying?” That makes them more upset because they know you are an adult and their parent and you are suppose to understand them especially when they are upset. You can ask a different question such as “What is hurting?” and show some compassion. In your child’s life you are the only significant person. They relay on you and they expect you to be there for them, help them, kiss their boo boos and take care of them when they are in need. 
11. We minimize their feelings by saying things like “So, what? It’s not a big deal. Now wipe your tears and let’s go.” We might as well say “Let’s pretend nothing is wrong and don’t feel what you are feeling." We forget that children have feelings as well and they are allowed to get angry, upset and frustrated from time to time. Our role should be to teach them about emotions, give proper labels to their feelings, ask questions and help them identify what they are feeling and listen to them, be there for them when they need to express their hurts, their rage and their sadness. Because if we fail to do it now, it will loosen the trust between us and they will seek out what they don’t get from us elsewhere. Because that’s how human nature is. We need emotional safety and comfort of another person to empty the content of our heart. 
12. We reject their reality. Commanding to stop crying. “Would you stop crying? There is nothing to cry about.” That automatically creates a distance between child and parent, breaks the connection. It tells the child that you don’t care. Their reality is different from ours and what matters to them might be insignificant to us but that doesn’t mean we can change their reality. If your child thinks a girl in the playground is mean don’t try to be a “good” parent and make her play and share her toys with that girl anyway. Try to see the reality through your child’s eyes. Instead, validate her feelings and inquire more about the mean girl. Instead of saying “She is not mean. She is a nice girl.” Say something that shows that you are on your child’s side. It means a whole world to her. She feels understood. 
13. We use an authority of a non-present parent, usually Dads, to threaten kids to do what we want them to do. This is wrong on so many levels. First of all a situation should be addressed freshly, right then and there. Waiting for Dad to return from work and asking him to deal with the “crime” is like saying to your child “I am unable, helpless and weak. Daddy is strong and powerful." Do we really want our kids to have such a monster-like image of their Dads and fear them? Do we want to teach them the lesson that if you can’t deal with a situation dump it onto another person? Sometimes it is best not address a situation at all when we are unsure of our behavior. 
14. We use threats about leaving them and going without them. Knowing perfectly that you are not going to do this. But kids don’t know this. They get fearful that you might actually do it and it makes them confused. They might even develop a fear of abandonment and act clingy if this tactic is used regularly. So, don’t say things you don’t mean. 
15. We mimic them when they cry. No need to elaborate. It’s simple enough. 
16. We make up invalid and untrue consequences to get them to do what we want them to do, like “If you don’t brush your teeth your teeth will fall out.” Children are very imaginative and impressionable. These statements might seem innocent to you but they are very contagious. One day your children will make up innocent lies to get what they want from you. 
17. We force kids to say “thank you”, “please”, “excuse me”, make them give someone a hug, or a kiss. It’s disrespectful to the child. We don’t know what they are feeling. Just because we are their parents doesn’t mean we own them and we can make them do things with a press of a button. We get respect by showing respect. It is always good to demonstrate and use good manners in front of kids and say “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me” to a child if we want them to learn and use it themselves one day. Trust me, they know their manners. It’s just sometimes they forget to use them because they are kids. Don’t harass your children for the sake of “good parenting” and positive image. The world still will remain the same if they forget to thank aunt Molly for a present. A happy reaction from a child while receiving a gift is a sufficient indicator of gratitude sometimes. 
18. We mistrust our kids. One thing disturbs me is when a child does something helpful for another adult and that grown up thanks the child but then the mother re-thanks her child as if almost doubting that he or she was able to demonstrate good manners. Or sometimes they get carried away and shower the child by “wow”-ing or throwing devalued “good jobs”. As if they don’t trust the child to act on his own. 
19. We do things instead of them with all good intentions. False helpfulness, thus creating inability, self-doubt and low self esteem and everything that comes with it. Our role as parents should be to raise self-reliant children, independent and self-sufficient. They learn this by trial and error. We should give them opportunities to make decisions, try new things, fail and redo things. We don’t want to incapacitate our children. We want to empower them. We want to give them wings to fly. Not cut off their wings. 
20. We use punishments. Be that verbal abuse, a little teasing, a slap in the fenny, a well-intended time-out, spanking, threats, take away things, announce that they are grounded etc. It all should be removed until it’s too late. A healthy relationship between parent and child, between any two human beings should be built upon love, respect, attention, care, acceptance and trust. It is never late to change our perspective and give a child what we took away from her. (I have a whole article dedicated to the topic of punishments. Stay tuned!) 

Happy parenting!