Growing up I don’t remember being rewarded by my parents. Being teachers, my parents never even checked our homework. It was our homework and we did it the best we could. No help was offered neither was praise for doing it right or getting great marks. And we were excellent students both me and my brother. There was no money involved in doing chores either(no wonder I love cleaning). The fact that I don’t use rewards and praise in my parenting today could be explained by the way my parents parented or it could be that I do have a degree in psychology and I am familiar with two types of motivation -extrinsic and intrinsic. Either way, I have made my choice.
Intrinsic motivation is when you do something because you like doing it, it’s enjoyable for it’s own sake and is inherently interesting. For example, a child practices piano because she wants to be good at it and she really likes music.
Extrinsic motivation is when you do something to earn rewards or avoid punishments. The child practices piano because her parents promised her a new toy or another type of goodie or she was threatened to lose her screen time for a week.
Constant praising and overpraising and use of rewards is kind of like a disease. Ask anyone and they will most likely say that “bad” behavior should be punished and “good” behavior should be rewarded.
Just hang out in playgrounds, visit a friend, have someone over for a play date or just observe your own parenting. Parents think that if you comment on every little move children make then you qualify for being a present parent (not to mention annoying for a child, exhausting for a parent). But do rewards really work the way we think they do or they backfire and are harmful for building self-esteem?
It turns out they are not as rewarding as you think. And there is a big body of evidence and studies to support that. It is very hard to hear news like this. Rewards and external motivators interfere and erode the intrinsic motivation, the good one. The truth of the matter is that rewards don’t provide long lasting results. Once rewards are removed the person is no longer interested in the task.
What lies underneath the constant need of using “good jobs”?
Is it the anxiety that our kids will not behave as well as expected? Trust? We don’t trust our kids for being “good” on their behalf. The desire to be a good parent (nothing wrong with that)?. If we reward a child for picking up his toys and by reward I mean anything from stickers, to a cookie, and an ice cream, a toy, money or a verbal “goodie”...do you think we are teaching him how to be neat and tidy in the long run? Do you want to manipulate your child into behaving in certain ways for a reward or...you rather instill long lasting values, like cleaning a room is not a nasty task and it shouldn’t be viewed that way. It’s making ones environment neat and clean because it feels good to be in that kind of space and it’s easy to find things. I think everybody will agree that long lasting effects are more welcomed. It all comes down to motivation. What motivates kids to do so and so? Are we in favor of extrinsic motivation or intrinsic?
Would you rather have your child eat her food/veggies for the promise of dessert or because she needs healthy food to live? (no wonder children hate veggies)
So what’s wrong with rewards and praise or shall I say overpraise?
-They offer judgmental evaluations and over time children become addicted to that kind of parental approval. Not to mention you have to raise the stakes the older your children get. A 4 year old will tidy her room for a lollipop but a teenager?
-They are manipulative. And once they are removed you have no influence over your kids and they have no real interest in tasks/activities.
-They kill the intrinsic motivation. There is a big body of research out there that supports this view.
-They limit the child and her potential. Suppose your child is not ready to give up a certain task but because she is offered a reward she is more likely to give up assuming that’s how much was expected of her to earn a “good job”.
-They create pressure for the child to behave in a certain, expected way and produce certain results.
-They affect the self esteem in a negative way, even if you think the contrary is right. The child should be given an opportunity to make conclusions about ones self. I think we should allow the child to form her own judgment about herself, her abilities and achievements.
When we throw in a “good job” for even the most trivial and ordinary things it loses it’s value and children quite frankly become desensitized to it. Unfortunately, it is being tossed around more than you think.
Once at a gymnastics class I witnessed something I never forget. After the final lesson all the kids were given stickers. There was a boy who had his entire extended family there to cheer him as he was graduating from Harvard with a PhD. After receiving his sticker the boy rushed to show it to the family members and they all went in unison, almost in perfect harmony “Wow, you got a sticker...Good job!”
Now, I am not suggesting one shouldn’t be proud of his/her own kids. Not at all. In my seminars I teach parents how to use praise and encourage kids positively using “words that work”. Encouraging a child is a positive parenting strategy.
I made up my mind about raising my child without rewards and pompous praise. And so far it works. I want her to form her own judgment about her abilities, performance and achievements. This is in accordance with my being-in-tune-with-ones-self philosophy. I want her to establish goals for herself and follow through and while facing challenges have a chance to evaluate her own skills. I don’t want to limit her growth with my subjective judgments and evaluative remarks. I want her to develop self-discipline, self-control, and self-reliance. I know she is a separate being from me and I respect and accept that. I clearly want to deliver a message to her that regardless of her achievements and efforts she is still loved and accepted the same way. Her achievements don’t make her a better child. She is mine-therefore she is loved ALWAYS.
Honestly, I feel triumphant for my child’s biggest achievements, I feel enormous pride but I don’t reward her. Because I don’t want to limit her growth and block her potential. I believe children are born with enormous potential. Yet not all of them bloom and flourish. Most just survive.
treble clef I admire her devotion, her focusing ability and her persistence. She won’t give up. The ordinary parent (not authentic) in me wants to scream out of happiness after her first trials and believe me they come out very well, but I know she has her goal set up to that “perfect” treble clef. And her perfect is not mine. I know one day she will. And I know what my response would be, “You worked so hard and looks like you are finally happy with the result”.
If every little action is a “good job” what do you say or going to say when they really accomplish something big?
To use rewards or not to use and whether they are good or harmful and what kind to use ultimately every parent decides for themselves. It’s a personal choice. But next time your child shows you her art work don’t just say an empty “good job”. Describe something she did differently or simply ask her a question about her picture.
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